My World 8

Welcome to My World #8. Most of this issue might be found in the Summer 1997 issue of Big Bang Zine. The two kids who put it out haven’t made up their minds yet. If they don’t run it I sure don’t blame them. I wouldn’t want to have somebody else dump all this shit on me. I wouldn’t want to have to take all the shit that would inevitably come as a result of printing this stuff. If you wish, please reprint any or all of this issue as much as possible. One more thing, you might want to ask your self, why would four women, three men and eight victims lie?

Why would I want to do this if it wasn’t true?

What do I stand to gain besides a big fucking hassle?

A Pedophile in the East Bay Punk Scene.
Hello my name is Jeff Ott. I want to relate to you some stuff that has been taking place at 924 Gilman street and the east bay lately. On October 5th ,1996 a kid came to the Gilman membership meeting and said the three weeks prior Jux, who runs Punks With Presses, had provided him with liquor to the point of him passing out. He said that when he came to consciousness Jux was raping him. This came as a shock to me. I have been using Punks With Presses to make CD covers for awhile now and I have multiple friends who work there, I had never heard anything like that about Jux. However I figured that since I don’t really hang out with people that drink or use drugs anymore I’m sort of out of the gossip loop. So anyway, the membership meeting had a really heated discussion about what to do. Eventually by the end of the Meeting we decided to elect 5 people to form a committee to investigate the charges against Jux. About 15 people volunteered. I and four others were elected. A short while later the show started and Jux showed up to refute the allegations. Those of us on the committee went down the street and had him tell us his side of the story. He basically had the same story as the kid except he said everything was consentual. He said something which was inconsistent with his own story. He said that the kid wasn’t too drunk to give consent but he also said they had to stop being sexual for a minute so the kid could throw up. From my own experience you usually throw up because you’re body can’t handle any more alcohol.

Upon returning to the club a friend pointed at another kid and told me that I should talk to him. I went down the street with the kid and asked him what his experiences with Jux were. The kid went on to tell me about a wide variety of abuses, ranging from emotional blackmail (if you don’t have sex with me you’re homophobic) to sexual harassment, to intimidation, to rape. He pointed me towards some other people who had similar stories. I talked to them at later points in time… One of those people I talked to was a woman who used to work at the presses. She told me she knew a kid who was also forced into sex. She recommended that I talk to another woman. She also said that she saw Jux inappropriately touching two young people at a backyard show just lately(December 1996).

I talked to a woman that was at the Punks With Presses warehouse on the night that the first kid said Jux tried to rape him. She said that the kid was way too drunk to even deal with issues like consent.

Then I talked to another woman who used to work at the press. She told me about four specific incidents she knew of. An eighteen year old being raped by Jux. A kid on tour being sexually assaulted. An ex-boyfriend of Jux’s claimed he was physically and emotionally abused. And a kid being invited to live at Jux’s warehouse and after the kid refused to give Jux sex, Jux kicked him out. I was also directed to talk to another person I used to hang out with. I talked to her, she said a friend of hers (14 years old) hung out with Jux for awhile, and that after the beginning he felt like he couldn’t leave. She said that Jux would lay guilt trips like “you’re homophobic if you don’t give me sex” on the kid. She also said that she had heard of Jux having to leave southern California as a result of him having big trouble with somebodies parents.

I then talked to a guy on the phone. He used to work briefly at the press. He said that Jux would use age, power and knowledge of scenesters and money/alcohol/gifts to lure kids in to him. He said that he had a friend that worked at the press for a short time until he denied Jux sex and then he was fired. He also said that Jux would use the line, “if you don’t have sex with me you’re homophobic”. He said that he also knew a kid who went to sleep in the same place as Jux and woke up to find Jux masturbating over him.

I then talked to a guy who Jux used to live with and he said he was told that a kid who was roadying for a band that Jux was traveling with woke up one night to find Jux trying to take his pants off.

I was later emailed by a person in that band who said that the roadie was perpetrated in other ways also.

Lately a kid called my house and said that he was at a party at Jux’s warehouse and was so drunk he couldn’t leave. He said that Jux came and disrobed him and had sex with him.

I started to notice a pattern.

1)Jux buys young boys booze and or gifts.

2)Boy gets way too drunk.

3)Jux says something to the effect of “if you don’t have sex with me you are homophobic”.

4)Boy is either too drunk to express “NO”. or

5)Boy says no and Jux doesn’t stop anyway.

6)Boy is asleep and has his pants removed or wakes up to find Jux masturbating over or near him.

Eventually I found out that a dear friend of mine was passed out at Jux’s warehouse, Jux tried to disrobe him and another friend of mine walked in the room and stopped Jux from perpetrating him. As a result they were both thrown out of the house.

At this point I quit the Gilman investigatory committee. I started sending email to anyone I could find asking them to boycott Punx With Presses. Almost immediately the issue was no longer the fact that Jux was raping multiple kids. All attention was placed on the fact that I dispersed information that I got while on the committee.

Was I wrong for releasing the information? I don’t really know. It’s definitely a conflict of interest on my part. I didn’t really feel like I had a choice. Jux tried to rape my friend. The other people on the committee were clearly too scared to even talk to any of the 10+ people I got information from, let alone do anything. I was starting to notice that the thing I called my community was willing to let kids get raped rather than confront one man. The consequences of the conflict of interest no longer mattered. Why the fuck should I care if a bunch cowards who call themselves revolutionaries disapprove of my actions. At least I have actions.

So I kept going, and sending out the emails until I got a message from Jux. It said he was done denying things and he wanted to talk to me. I went and met him. He wasn’t really willing to admit much but he was willing to go to the 924 Gilman Membership meeting and request to be 86’ed for a year while he was going to “get help”. In exchange I would send out new emails saying that Punx With Presses should be left alone and that the issue was resolved. Did I sell out those kids that he molested. I did. I felt like I had to get the club in a position of being able to say “we dealt with it”, so that if the police or the city ever got involved the club would be in the clear.

Since then I have found additional information. Jux molested three young people in southern California. They all reside in a mental hospital now. They are all too fucked up as a result of there abuse to talk to the authorities there. However one kids parents did contact the police and Jux found out about it. Which is why he left to live up here.

He is still hanging out with a young man who has already had to throw Jux on the ground and pin him in order to make Jux stop his behavior. I have gotten multiple emails and other forms of communication from employees at punx with presses saying that it is inappropriate to ask people to boycott punx with presses because they say Jux is not the owner and that it is a collective. Therefore I am not asking you to boycott their business. Not because I believe them. If it were really a collective then they would have the power get rid of him. Or maybe they think that Pedophilia is cool. If it is a collective all I can say is let’s see a lease that doesn’t have his name on it. Let’s see the receipts on the machinery, who owns it? Who signs the checks? Can we see some?

I guess all I’m asking you to do, is to know that, given the chance he will molest more boys.

I am also asking you to recognize that we are no different than our parents just because we have mohawks and tattoos and piercings. There is just as much rape and domestic violence in our scene as there is in our society. If you are the kind of person who actually wants to change something rather than just talk about it than please read the following.

Here are two stories from others involved with Jux and those he has perpetrated. The second was handed to me by the victim, the first was sent to me by a friend of the victim, in the second I have taken out the names and replaced them with pronouns inside of parenthesis, except Jux’s.

One Account from the Friend of a Victim.

I just wanted to tell you thank you for doing something about jux… i was on tour with (Band) this summer when the incident of sexual assault on the 15 year old kid occurred… just thought you might want to know the story… jux was always using money and gifts to try and lure people into hanging out with him… there was a time when all of (band), myself and the kid who was molested by jux would hang out with him a lot (after we met him off irc{the internet-ed.}) … there was the common pattern of him acting really nice to all of us… he would buy us stuff, try to impress us with stories of scenesters he knew, experiences he had had (almost all lies)… there always seemed to be strings attached to all of this however.. there always seemed to be the expectation that we were there to amuse him, and he would undergo severe mood swings and yell at us and stuff when we wouldn’t or couldn’t think of something fun to do. (Name), one of the guitarists had had a bad experience a few years earlier with jux, where jux was grabbing his ass and just that sort of thing.. but he somehow didn’t think a lot of it.. jux never really made any sexual passes at any of us except the kid.. there were always lots of kids hanging out at his house drinking and stuff.. when we decided we were going to tour (it was going to be (Band) and (person) as the roadie and that was supposed to be it) knowing that we didn’t really have any money or a van, he offered to let one of the band members trade him his car for jux’s van for the summer so that we could use it to tour…. it ended up however of jux using this as leverage to come along with us.. although we didn’t really want him (we had been beginning to pick up weird vibes from him, and were sort of feeling awkwardly towards him). He then insisted that the kid had to come too.. this meant jux had to bring a whole different car with him… tour started out fine.. but eventually we all started having problems with jux.. he was just being an asshole.. i wanted to ride in the van apart from him and he exploded at me.. it ended up mostly that it was just jux and (Victim) in the car by themselves most of the time.. originally i was going to leave tour early and go back with jux and the kid in the car to work at punx with presses. but i was not getting along with jux and decided i wanted to stay with the band and didn’t want to live with jux. when the kid found out that i wasn’t going to be going back with them, he was making hints that he didn’t want to ride back with jux alone.. he mostly was making up things like he was scared about jux being the only driver, and his mom would be mad and that sort of thing.. but mostly i think he was scared because jux had been coming on to him.. (jux had come on to him many times in the past as well as it turned out and told him he was in love with him, and that he was homophobic and all that classic stuff).. jux even kicked out this girl who had been living at p.w.p. when her and the kid started going out because he was jealous.. but anyway it ended up that when we were in DC, jux and the kid were supposed to leave the very next day.. jux had decided to let us take both the car and the van and he and the kid would take the train back home.. by this time jux had got really weird.. he would always speak for the kid.. like me and (Victim) are going to bed.. or me and (Victim) are going to do this.. and not even ask the kid anything.. it was getting really weird.. so we were in DC and jux said me and (victim) are going to go bus tickets.. and (victim) told him he didn’t want to go with him to get the tickets and jux got super pissed off at him and went by himself.. while he was gone (victim) came out and told me that jux had sexually assaulted him several times at night.. he said that jux had been rubbing his leg.. and that he had woke up and jux’s hand was in his pants.. and that another night jux had been trying to undo his pants.. none of us could believe it.. so the next morning while jux was asleep we drove (victim) to the bus station to catch a bus home without jux.. before he left he wrote a really good letter to jux explaining why he had left, and how fucked up he thought jux was. none of us knew how jux was going to react.. (victim) had also told us a story of how he had been shot at one night when he was standing outside of gilman.. although there is no proof, he had suspected jux in it.. i guess he and jux had had a big argument, and then it happened that night. jux had told us many times of how he had a gun.. so we thought he might get violent.. but instead when he got up in the morning he just started crying and went home by himself.. we told a lot of people about it.. but mostly people thought (victim) was making it up.. or that jux was just coming on to him and not molesting him and that we were all making a big deal out of nothing etc… so anyways I’m glad to see that others are starting to see jux for who he really is.. lemme know if you ever need any help. (the author)

Myths About Male Sexual Abuse
Myth #1 – Boys and men can’t be victims. This myth, instilled through masculine gender socialization and sometimes referred to as the “macho image,” declares that males, even young boys, are not supposed to be victims or even vulnerable. We learn very early that males should be able to protect themselves. In truth, boys are children—weaker and more vulnerable than their perpetrators—who cannot really fight back. Why? The perpetrator has greater size, strength, and knowledge. This power is exercised from a position of authority, using resources such as money or other bribes, or outright threats—whatever advantage can be taken to use a child for sexual purposes.

Myth #2 – Most sexual abuse of boys is perpetrated by homosexual males. Pedofiles who molest boys are not expressing a homosexual orientation any more than pedofiles who molest girls are practicing heterosexual behaviors. While many child molesters have gender and/or age preferences, of those who seek out boys, the vast majority are not homosexual. They are pedophiles.

Myth #3 – If a boy experiences sexual arousal or orgasm from abuse, this means he was a willing participant or enjoyed it. In reality, males can respond physically to stimulation (get an erection) even in traumatic or painful sexual situations. Therapists who work with sexual offenders know that one way a perpetrator can maintain secrecy is to label the child’s sexual response as an indication of his willingness to participate. “You liked it, you wanted it,” they’ll say. Many survivors feel guilt and shame because they experienced physical arousal while being abused. Physical (and visual or auditory) stimulation is likely to happen in a sexual situation. It does not mean that the child wanted the experience or understood what it meant at the time.

Myth #4 – Boys are less traumatized by the abuse experience than girls. While some studies have found males to be less negatively affected, more studies show that long term effects are quite damaging for either sex. Males may be more damaged by society’s refusal or reluctance to accept their victimization, and by their resultant belief that they must “tough it out” in silence.

Myth #5 – Boys abused by males are or will become homosexual. While there are different theories about how the sexual orientation develops, experts in the human sexuality field do not believe that premature sexual experiences play a significant role in late adolescent or adult sexual orientation. It is unlikely that someone can make another person a homosexual or heterosexual. Sexual orientation is a complex issue and there is no single answer or theory that explains why someone identifies himself as homosexual, heterosexual or bisexual. Whether perpetrated by older males or females, boys’ or girls’ premature sexual experiences are damaging in many ways, including confusion about one’s sexual identity and orientation. Many boys who have been abused by males erroneously believe that something about them sexually attracts males, and that this may mean they are homosexual or effeminate. Again, not true. Pedofiles who are attracted to boys will admit that the lack of body hair and adult sexual features turns them on. The pedofiles inability to develop and maintain a healthy adult sexual relationship is the problem—not the physical features of a sexually immature boy.

Myth #6 – The “Vampire Syndrome”—that is, boys who are sexually abused, like the victims of Count Dracula, go on to “bite” or sexually abuse others. This myth is especially dangerous because it can create a terrible stigma for the child, that he is destined to become an offender. Boys might be treated as potential perpetrators rather than victims who need help. While it is true that most perpetrators have histories of sexual abuse, it is NOT true that most victims go on to become perpetrators. Research by Jane Gilgun, Judith Becker and John Hunter found a primary difference between perpetrators who were sexually abused and sexually abused males who never perpetrated: non perpetrators told about the abuse, and were believed and supported by significant people in their lives. Again, the majority of victims do not go on to become adolescent or adult perpetrators; and those who do perpetrate in adolescence usually don’t perpetrate as adults if they get help when they are young.

Believing these myths is dangerous and damaging.

* So long as society believes these myths, and teaches them to children from their earliest years, sexually abused males will be unlikely to get the recognition and help they need.

* So long as society believes these myths, sexually abused males will be more likely join the minority of survivors who perpetuate this suffering by abusing others.

* So long as boys or men who have been sexually abused believe these myths, they will feel ashamed and angry.

* And so long as sexually abused males believe these myths they reinforce the power of another devastating myth that all abused children struggle with: that it was their fault. It is never the fault of the child in a sexual situation—though perpetrators can be quite skilled at getting their victims to believe these myths and take on responsibility that is always and only their own.

Some Rape Info.


For purposes of this discussion, we will use the terms sexual assault and rape interchangeably. Sexual assault may actually differ from state to state. Generally, it is considered sexual assault if a sexual act is done against a person’s will. Some states require genital penetration to take place. Others do not recognize, for example, male on male rape to be classified as rape; it is considered criminal deviant conduct.

As a general rule, sexual assault is generally considered rape if it is coerced or forced sexual intercourse. It is a crime of violence that is acted out sexually. Rape is not about sexual gratification; it is about power and control. The rapist seeks to dominate, control, degrade or humiliate his victim, many times with threats of force, coercion, violence or intimidation. Many rape victims feel that they are powerless to stop the assault and will comply or submit in hopes of “just saving their life”, which they consider threatened.

Rape is a very under-reported crime with generally only one in ten rapes being reported. This is a highly personal decision that is clouded by feelings of shame, guilt, anger, hate, fear, malice and low self esteem. Often the lack of confidence in the legal system is a deterrent to reporting a rape. Even the trauma of a rape trial is weighted heavily as a stumbling block to pressing charges against a rapist. The feeling of “I just want this over” may persuade a woman not to pursue action even if she knows the victim. The problem is that “it just doesn’t go away”. Women usually experience Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or Rape Trauma Syndrome as a result of the assault. Recovery can take anywhere from a few months to several years.

In his book, Rape Awareness and Prevention for Women, Robert Ferguson expounds on several myths and facts surrounding rape. The following is an excerpt from that book.

MYTH: Women “ASK FOR IT” or “PROVOKE IT’ by their dress and behavior.

REALITY: Most rapes are planned. “Provocative behavior” is usually set by male standards (in Victorian times, an ankle was considered provocative). Is my dress or behavior justification for an assault on another? Are you asking to be robbed because you have money in your pocket? The underlying idea in this myth is that women are “asking for it” just because they are women.

MYTH: Women secretly want to be raped.

REALITY: No one wants to be hurt, brutalized or humiliate. We often receive conflicting messages about this from TV and movies. They depict scenes where a handsome man breaks into the woman’s bedroom, the woman says, “No, I don’t want to do this,” and then the scene ends. When it resumes after the commercial break, the rapist and the victim have fallen in love. Many of us may fantasize about giving in to a more powerful partner, but we are in control of those fantasies. There is a huge difference between fantasy and the reality of a violent sexual assault.

MYTH: A healthy young woman can fight off or outrun any rapist.

REALITY: The average male has more muscle mass than the average woman. His strength is intimidating and sends a strong message that struggle would be useless or even dangerous. Fear can be paralyzing to many women. Ninety percent (90%) of all victims fear being killed when they are assaulted.

MYTH: Most people are raped by a stranger in dark alleys or other isolated spots.

REALITY: Sixty to eighty percent (60-80%) of all rapes occur in a home by an assailant known to the victim: a friend, a neighbor, a relative, or an acquaintance. Sixty percent (60%) of the time, the rapist is a date.

MYTH: It could never happen to me.

REALITY: Victims of sexual assault include elderly women, children of both sexes, males and even babies. It is estimated that 1 out of 3 women and 1 out of 4 to 6 men under the age of 18 will be sexually assaulted. One of every five victims is under the age of twelve.

MYTH: Sexual assaults are crimes of impulse.

REALITY: From child molest to sadistic rape, offenders plan their crimes in secrecy, perform them in secrecy, and make plans for keeping the secret private.

MYTH: Men who sexually assault are either crazy or sexually starved.

REALITY: Perpetrators themselves have said they want to control, degrade and feel powerful. Some do not ejaculate. The underlying feelings are anger and hostility– not sexual arousal. Perpetrators are usually ordinary people. Many are married or in continuous relationships with a partner. They often have histories of abuse or sexual assault in their own backgrounds, and they act out their own anger and pain with violence and assault

MYTH: Guns or knives are usually used in sexual assaults.

REALITY: Perpetrators are much more likely to use tricks, threats, physical force or drugs and alcohol rather than weapons. REMEMBER: Most people are sexually assaulted by someone they know and these are people who usually use just enough force to get what they want.

MYTH: Women often accuse innocent men of sexual assault.

REALITY: Statistics show that there are no more false reports of sexual assault than there are for any other crime. According to the FBI, two percent of all crimes reported are false reports. This myth probably arose out of the court process; in 50-60% of rape cases that go to trial, the defense attorney uses content as the defense.

MYTH: There is no way to protect against sexual assault.

REALITY: There are ways to reduce the risk of an assault and to increase awareness, sensitivity, and safety. For example, there are self-defense classes which help women to be alert, fend off an attack, and aid others in crisis.

Three elements must be present for a rape to succeed:

1. Privacy
2. Opportunity
3. Vulnerability

Each of these are somewhat self explanatory but do represent fundamental safety issues. The lack of privacy denies opportunity. Self confidence, education, awareness and training reduces vulnerability. Remember these concepts with the acronym POV, just like “point of view” of which everyone has one.

The National Crime Victimization Survey (NCVS) is the single most comprehensive source for information on the experience and consequences of violent crimes against women. This report, based upon a nationally representative sample survey of women and entailing about 4000,000 individual interviews, provides us with many important insights about violence suffered by women:

· more than 2 1/2 million women experience violence annually;

· women are about equally likely to experience violence perpetrated by a relative or intimate, an acquaintance, or a stranger;

· nearly 2 in 3 female victims of violence were related to or knew their attacker;

· about 1 in 4 attacks on females involved the use of a weapon by the offender,

· about 1 in 3 of these involved a firearm;

· about 3 out of 4 female victims of violence resisted the actions of the offender either physically or verbally;

· about a third of female victims of violence were injured as a result of the crime;

· about half the women victimized by violence reported the crime to the police, and among those who didn’t, about 6 in I 0 said that they considered the matter a private or personal one or that they felt the offense was minor; and, nearly half the victims of rape perceived the offender to have been under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol at the time of the offense.

Domestic violence is a vicious circle that encompasses power and dominance in a relationship. Women often are made to feel as though battering is their fault. The most volatile point of a relationship comes when the woman seeks to terminate the relationship or have a permanent separation. The man often feels as though he has lost control of his “woman” or possession and the violence may escalate to the point of rape, brutal beatings, disfigurement or even murder.

One of the most degenerative side effects of domestic violence is the toll it takes on the woman’s self esteem. She often finds herself trapped in an unloving, violent relationship with no way out and a coercive fear or intimidation to continue in that relationship. Other factors come into play such as children, in laws, work situations and so forth that complicate each situation. The main underlying consideration should be the overall safety of those parties involved. In a dating situation, it would be wise to consider how that man treats the women prior to a long term commitment. Often times, women believe that “I can change him”. That is almost never the case. If the warning signs are present in the beginning, the pattern will most likely increase as the commitment level increases. Women should strongly consider whether or not this is a viable long term relationship if these factors exist.

It is suggested that if you are caught up in a relationship, whether dating or married, where there is domestic or date violence, get help. Your local crisis intervention groups can provide you support, counseling or even legal assistance if needed.

Nineteen Risk Factors That May Lead to Domestic or Date Violence
The following risk factors are only warning signs that something is wrong. However, as a general rule, a woman should be aware that if there are three signs present, abuse is a definite possibility. If there are more than five signs present, it is a probability. Over seven signs increases the possibility by a dramatic forty times!

1) Male has markedly low self-esteem.

2) Male exhibits a dramatic change in character or personality after the “courtship” stage is over (i.e., when “acting” is no longer necessary).

3) Male speaks rudely or cruelly to mother.

4) Male exhibits aggressive or rude behavior toward those with whom there is little fear of retaliation, such as children, women or the elderly.

5) Male usually blames all of his problems on circumstances or other people.

6) Male resents having to “timeshare” female with life’s normal obligations, such as job, family or children.

7) Male is easily placated when female succumbs to his demands, exhibiting a dramatic mood swings almost to the point of becoming charming. (Ironically, a normal, well-adjusted man stands his ground when he believes he’s right; whereas the abuser, once his demands are met, has had his need for control sated).

8) Male uses violence against a smaller, weaker person or a child, in situations where words would suffice.

9) Male becomes excessively agitated and hostile when other men speak to female or female speaks to other men in a non-flirtatious manner.

10) Male has attitude that he “owns” woman, that she is answerable to him and accountable for her comings and goings.

11) Male exhibits marked pattern of immaturity, such as temper tantrums and “schoolyard bully” threats.

12) Male exhibits an overall attitude of intolerance, such as rigid attitudes, racism, sexism, unwillingness to engage in healthy debate or entertain differing opinions, etc.

13) Male continually promises not to engage in similar behavior pattern, then violates this promise repeatedly.

14) Male continually puts his “wants” or desires before female’s “needs” and necessities.

15) Male is between 18 and 30 years of age.

16) Male uses severe or excessive attitude in dealing with children.

17) Male is unemployed or in profession known for “machoism.”

18) Male displays other aspects of inferior character, such as lying about innocuous things.

19) Male was the victim of physical abuse during childhood (unfortunately, often the abused becomes an abuser).

Sexual harassment is sometimes an obscure, nebulous concept that has become a very real issue in today’s work force. Basically, unwanted sexual advances, verbal or physical conduct involving sexual overtones or requests for sexual favors are considered sexual harassment. The key here is unwanted. The problem often comes into play when teasing or “off color” compliments taken as flirtation and not checked. The activity might be considered as welcomed as perceived by the man, even though it makes the woman feel very uncomfortable. The situation escalates as requests for sexual favors, innuendo, pornography, off color jokes, whistles or other forms of harassment begin.

The key to sexual harassment is stopping it dead in its tracks. Sexual harassment is against the law and most companies are sensitive to the legalities involved here. If a situation makes a women feel uncomfortable, she should immediately say “stop, this is sexual harassment” or something else to put the offenders on notice that this type of activity will not be tolerated. She should document the situation and if, appropriate, even make middle or upper management aware of a potential situation. Below is a guide to what is and is not considered to be sexual harassment, or unwelcome sexual conduct. See *3 for footnote information.

Sexual Harassment can be . . .

¥ Actions by a non-employee (i.e., a client or subcontractor) that affected an employee if her employer knew about them and did not address them.

¥ Behavior that affects employees who have not been directly harassed. Those employees may feel threatened by another’s harassment, or they may have lost raises or job assignments because the supervisor favored another employee with whom he or she had sexual relations.

¥ A single, very serious incident, though it is usually a pattern or string of incidents.

¥ Pinups, calendars, pornography, graffiti, jokes, innuendoes or other behavior that communicates that people of one gender do not belong or are expected to conform to certain images. These may constitute harassment even if they are in a personal work area.

¥ Harassment may be present even if an employee consented to sexual behavior. The employee may be able to show that she felt forced into the actions. Similarly, an employee’s past sexual behavior does not mean that she welcomes other sexual advances.

¥ Comments that men think should be taken as compliments. If those comments make women feel uncomfortable and affect their work, that could be harassment, despite the intent.

¥ Behavior that does not involve actual sexual conduct or touch. It can be verbal or implied.

Sexual Harassment is not . . .

¥ Limited to incidents in which bosses tell employees to accept sexual behavior as a condition of employment (that is quid-pro-quo harassment). It also can involve a hostile work environment a more subtle type in which an employee’s job performance is compromised because of persistent, continuous, unwelcome sexually offensive behavior directed at only one gender.

¥ Normal social interaction between the sexes, such as sincere comments about appearance or questions about weekend activities. It is not behavior that is polite, normal, pleasant, friendly or even mildly flirtatious. It is not a request for a date, as long as the person asking for the date respects the other’s wishes.

¥ All activity in a work place of a sexual nature. Flirting, innuendoes and annoying, indecent or vulgar language may be aggravating but may not always create a hostile working environment.

Stalking is a form of harassment than can easily lead to sexual assault. This is a form of intimidation, power and control and often causes severe emotional stress. Stalking will sometimes accompany the break up of a dating or marriage relationship whereby the partner is very jealous or possessive. As with sexual harassment, stalking can easily escalate into a violent assault, rape or even death. Stalking is illegal and should be reported, documented and not tolerated. It is recommended that all forms of stalking, communication, both written, verbal, telephone, letters, etc and all incidents be documented well so as to establish a credible pattern for prosecution, if necessary.

Home, auto and personal security issues become vital in resisting a stalker. If need be, the victim can secure a restraining order against the stalker, however, this still does not assure that the stalker will not violate the order.

Molestation and incest are similar in nature but differ in definition: molestation refers to sexual abuse by someone outside the child’s family; incest refers to abuse by a family member. Incest offenders can be siblings, fathers, mothers, grand parents, etc… and is even complicated with today ‘s high divorce rate where blended families are created. In some “closed communities”, incest becomes a serious and often common problem that unfortunately is not resolved easily.

Molesters can be friends, teachers, co-workers, baby sitters and so forth that usually have some knowledge of the child involved. Some form of trust may be established with the offender and the child is intimidated or coerced into “keeping their secret”.

In both cases of molestation and incest, the powerful ramifications of a child being sexually abused will last a lifetime. Child sexual abuse actually increases the risk factor for rape as a teen or adult. While children are often confused, uneducated or misinformed about sexuality, there is still a repugnant fear that something is obviously wrong with sexual abuse, regardless of how “nice” the offender was. Children should be taught what are appropriate areas to touch or see and what is best kept private.

The biggest problem is combating molestation and incest is the fear the child has that he or she won’t be believed. Children may feel that their exposing this ugly crime will (and may very well) break up their home and family. Additionally, the need for personal security, home, shelter, food and clothing may seem to be jeopardized by the child if they “tell”.

If a child tells a parent they are uncomfortable around an individual, it should be investigated as to why. Particular attention should be paid to body language, non verbal cues and ways they respond to that individual.

Men and women are different. This is no huge revelation but it is important to consider what motivates each of them. Women, as a general rule, are stimulated by touch and romance. Men are stimulated by sight. As an illustration of this, consider how much of the pornography industry is targeted toward men vs. women. Women are portrayed as perfect bodies who have a personal sexual passion for the reader. Men often will masturbate while fantasizing about a nude woman.

Women in pornography are exploited as sex toys or objects. For a man, the object of his sexual drive is not nearly as important as a woman. Generally, the woman will be more discerning with her sexuality because of her emotional tie to the recipient. Women are more emotional while men are more logical in their thought process. The pornography industry is well attuned to what motivates men and, therefore, will exploit the lustful desires of a man at the expense of women.

The following is an excerpt from the National Coalition Against Pornography. In this report, you will see a direct link to pornography and sexual molestation and rape.

Pedophiles report having molested anywhere from 30 to 60 children each before they were first arrested. The typical molester will sexually abuse up to 380 children in a lifetime. (Abel, 1986)

Experts estimate that as many as one in three girls and one in seven boys will be sexually molested before age 18.

Eighty-seven percent of molesters of girls and 77 percent of molesters of boys studied in Ontario, Canada, admitted to regular use of hard-core pornography. (Dr. William Marshall, 1983)

Pornography, especially child pornography, is used by pedofiles for three reasons:

(1) to stimulate themselves

(2) to destroy the consciences and lower the inhibitions and resistance to sexual activity in their intended child victims; and

(3) to teach the victim child what to model in the sexual encounter with the adult.

Between 1984 and 1990, more than 150 sexually oriented businesses were closed in Oklahoma City. During that period, the rape rate in Oklahoma County decreased 27 percent while rapes throughout the state increased almost 19 percent during the same period.

In many “adult” bookstores, there are video booths (referred to as peep shows) in which patrons pay to view portions of pornographic films while they masturbate or engage in anonymous sexual activities with partners in the adjoining booth.

In 1977, a Cleveland, Ohio, study showed that the rate of rape and robberies was two to seven times higher where pornography outlets were located. A 1979 Phoenix, Arizona, study revealed 500 percent more sexual offenses in neighborhoods where pornography businesses are located.

Research done in cities including Boston, Seattle, Houston, Los Angeles and New York confirm the relationship of pornography outlets to increased crime. Research conducted on 36 serial murderers revealed that 81 percent (29/36) reported pornography as one of their highest sexual interests. In a national poll of mental health professionals, 254 psychotherapists reported in their clinical practices cases in which pornography was found to be an instigator or contributor to a sex crime, personality disturbance or antisocial act. The poll found that 324 other psychotherapists and mental health professionals suspected such relationships in cases on which they’d worked. (Lipkin Carnes, 1970) For those persons predisposed to sexual crime, pornography serves as fuel for the fire. (Blanchard, Geral. “Sex Offender Treatment: A Psychoeducational Model,” 1989)

Based on U.S. Census estimates of the number of adult women in America, one out of every eight adult women, or at least 12.1 million American women, has been the victim of forcible rape in her lifetime. (National Victim Center, 1992)

With all offenders, pornography epitomizes the objectification of women and children that hastens the depersonalization process common to sexual assaultiveness.

Specifically, for those persons predisposed to sexual crime, pornography serves as fuel for the fire. (Blanchard, Geral. “Sex Offender Treatment: A Psychoeducational Model,” 1989)

Themes in hard-core pornography include rape; incest; urinating and defecating on women for sexual pleasure; bondage and domination; and sadomasochism. (Dietz and Sears, 1987)

In response to the FBI’s questions on the subject, 81 percent of serial killers surveyed said that hard-core pornography was their “highest sexual interest.”

Repeatedly, the U.S. Supreme Court has confirmed that obscenity, child pornography and materials harmful to minors are not protected by the First Amendment.

National Coalition Against Pornography, copyright 1997

Rape can be categorized into four types of rape and seven types of rapists:

Types of Rape

Date Rape-this is one of the most common types whereby someone on a date takes advantage of a relationship and forces sexual intercourse. We draw the line between seduction and coercion when the women says, in one or more ways, “stop” but the man continues his pursuit of her. The occurrence of rape on college campuses is much more common than publicized. All too often, statistics are buried because of alumni support, bad publicity, fear of epidemic or other factors. If a college said they had 50 rapes in a year, most likely there were in excess of 500! Date rape is about power and control.

Stranger Rape-this is the least common, the most glamorized and the most dangerous of all types of rape. Stranger rape is committed often as random acts of violence in an attempt to beat, torture or even murder his victim.

Social Rape- this usually occurs with a teenage girl because sexual boundaries are not clearly defined. The Social Rapist feel that she “owes it to him” or she has been a “dick teaser”, thus she owes him intercourse.

Acquaintance Rape-it is believed that over 80% of all rapes are committed by someone known to the victim. This could be the bank manager, the grocery clerk, postman, cousin, supervisor, hair stylist, etc. The name need not be known or personal contact established to be considered acquaintance rape, just merely eye contact.

Types of Rapists
Non sadistic Rapist-this is the man with low esteem who believes no woman would love him. Consequently, he believes that by forcing himself on a women, he has fulfilled his manhood and that somehow she will fall for him.

Acquaintance Rapist-when questioned, this rapist would probably admit that his victim resisted but would justify his actions by saying “she didn’t mean it”. This rapist has selected his victim and the rape is usually planned.

Opportunistic Rapist-this rapists may take the opportunity to “kill two birds with one stone” by performing, for example, a robbery or car jacking and a rape at the same time. This man is dangerous and unpredictable.

Anger Rapist-an impulsive and often career criminal, he is angry at the world and enjoys hurting or attacking women in general. He would not hesitate to mutilate or injure the victim.

Social Rapist-teen and peer pressure often place a young woman in a precarious position. The social rapist feels he must “score” in order to save face.

Power Rapist-often associated with date rape, the power rapists seeks control and dominance. Perhaps as a return of favor for his time or money, he feels he has it “coming to him”. The woman may resist the power rapist but this often fuels his fire. By dominating his victim sexually, emotionally, physically and psychologically, the power rapist has accomplished his goal.

Sadistic Rapist-this is the most dangerous of all. This man who would murder, torture or mutilate his victim receives much media attention. The media often portrays this rapist in a suspenseful plot that shows him “waiting in the bushes” for another victim who he would torture or murder.

Self concept is a major building block of character. There is a vast difference between false confidence and true self confidence. False confidence will assume that a person can handle any situation regardless of the odds stacked against them. This is both dangerous and foolish. True self confidence begins with knowing ones self. If you know your own limitations, strengths and weaknesses, you are better able to assess a situation and determine your best or optimum mode of action. You are in better control of your emotions and are able to think more clearly. Self confidence begins with small successes and continues to grow as you develop. Remember the acronym B.O.S.E. Build On Success Experiences. Each time you have a success experience, catalog the emotional high your receive and remember what you did to gain that success. Whenever you see failure (and, yes you will from time to time) glean what you can from the experience and go on. Don’t well on the negative but only the positive.

Here’s some ways you can build your confidence level:

1. Be firm in your decision making

2. Don’t compare yourself physically to the pin up girls that are exploited by the pornography industry.


4. Learn to accept compliments without apology.

5. Manage your time and priorities.

6. Set your standards and know your limitations.

7. Learn to speak confidently with body language (this includes eye contact, walking gait, posture…)

Many personal protection products are available on the market today. Guns, knives, pepper sprays, stun guns, batons, tasers and so forth are big business for many retailers. With approximately 80% of all rapists known to the victim, would it not make sense to prepare yourself for an assailant that is known to you? For example, your boss and you have worked together for 4 years and are together on a business trip. Would you hit with him with pepper spray in hand in the event he might assault you? Probably not. Similarly, a date is often a time to, hopefully, make a good impression. It would be considered inappropriate to hold your date at bay with a knife or gun… just in case.

With this point well made, turn your attention to the weapons a woman always would always have with her: her body and mind. First off, the most important weapon that anyone will EVER have is their brain. There is no weapon that will ever have the reasoning ability or judgment factor that ones brain has. The body has a number of very effective weapons available at its disposal. However, several considerations or assumptions have to be made here:

1. men are generally stronger than women

2. rapists are looking for a victim and may plan on a fight

3. some rapists will enjoy resistance and are prepared to control you

4. the rapists has had time to plan his attack

With this in mind, the woman must put into perspective her assailant. Unless she is skilled in martial arts, her chances of delivering a decisive blow to the chest are somewhat limited. Consider that every man is vulnerable in the eyes, groin, shins, throat and nose. This doesn’t matter if he is a 85lb teenager or a 300lb linebacker; he is still vulnerable and hurts if attacked in those areas.

While filming a national television show, this writer was once asked “what do you do if you’ve said ‘stop’ and he keeps on insisting”. My response was that it is ok to fight back. While the idea of fighting, kicking, biting, scraping and using anything available may seem awkward or uncomfortable for most women, surveys show that most women feel that fighting back was beneficial to them. Using anything and everything available in her defense will increase her chances of getting away. A single strike may not stop the assailant. A groin kick, while painful to all men, is not always an assured way to stop the rapist. Consider this, the eye is the most sensitive part of the body. To prove this, a glaucoma test forces a small puff of air against the eye. The person reacts to that. The eye is extremely sensitive and a good target choice. Fighting back, very possibly, may escalate a situation. This is something that must be prepared for. Learning to breathe will help a woman keep her head and awareness about her and look for alternatives to fight back or escape. There is no cook book method of teaching what to do. Each situation is different and must be handled on a case by case basis. Regardless of the situation, fighting back is a decision that is highly personal. The woman must make that all critical decision to continue to fight and resist or submit to the assailant. This is a decision that ONLY she can make.

The term “proactive” implies that one takes action before it becomes necessary for reaction. For example, when one considers an automobile, it would be ludicrous to plan on purchasing insurance as soon as a person has a wreck. Much the same way should people approach rape awareness and prevention. By taking proactive steps to being prepared, women will REDUCE their chances of being successfully assaulted. The proactive posture in training and education prepares a person long before the confrontation takes place. There is nothing that can completely prepare a women against an assault. However, by training proactively, she can perhaps avoid some hidden pitfalls or traps that might await her.

Below are national crisis hot lines. You can find similar hot lines in your local yellow pages, usually listed under “crisis intervention” or something similar. Most larger cities and even college campuses have rape crisis centers.

Abuse and Assault 800-962-2873
Assoc. for Children for Enforcement of Support 800-537-7072
AIDS All Prevention 800-322-8911
AIDS/HIV 800-342-2437
Ask a Nurse 800-535-1111
Missing Children Help Center 800-USA-KIDS
National Center for Missing & Exploited Children 800-843-5678
National Child Safety Council 800-327-5107
National Coalition Against Sexual Assault 717-232-7460
Child Abuse Hot line 800-4-A-CHILD
Child Abuse Prevention-Kids Peace 800-257-3223
National Organization for Victim Assistance 202-232-6682
Child Abuse Registry 800-962-2873
National Victim Center 703-276-2880
Child Find of America 800-I-AM-LOST
Vanished Children’s Alliance 800-826-4743
Child Find Mediation 800-A-WAY-OUT

Unfortunately, only one of ten rapes are ever reported (as best as can be determined). If you are raped, there are several things to remember:

1) Call the police, a friend, family member or rape crisis center immediately. Even if it has been several hours or days, please call! There are people waiting to help you. You are not alone.

2) Don’t shower, clean up or douche. Yes, the thought is extremely unpleasant, but the silent witness of DNA may be what convicts your rapist!

3) Don’t disturb the crime scene, change clothes, change the sheets or anything to disturb evidence.

4) Try to remember everything about the rapist: remember his height by reference to a door post or some reference point. Look for hair and eye color, scars, tattoos, physical defects. How did he walk? Was his voice gruff or soft? What about his teeth or eyes?

5) Remember the situation: You must be able to describe the force used and that resistance was demonstrated. Was there a weapon? How did he abduct you or break in? Did you resist and how did you communicate that to him? Was there a physical struggle?

6) Get help! You are not alone. There are victim assistance and support groups that are ready, able and willing to help you. You should not be ashamed. Seek help, talk about it and make constructive steps back to a normal life.

7) Be a good witness. At the onset, be honest with the investigating officers. Your credibility as a witness on the stand will be enhanced if you are totally honest from the beginning. Don’t fabricate, lie, exaggerate or otherwise distort the truth about what happened.

So, what do you do. The main concept we want to communicate is to heighten your awareness factor and get you to take action. The value of being proactive cannot be understated here.

In summary,

1. in a dating relationship, examine your own feelings about sex, set your limits and draw your line.

2. look for warning signs that might tip you off to an abusive relationship.

3. remember P.O.V.

4. learn to build your self confidence (B.O.S.E.)

5. consider taking up a martial arts class or rape awareness and prevention course.

6. be careful as to letting yourself get into compromising situations

7. know what resources are available to you

8. it’s ok to fight back

9. attack only vulnerable parts of your assailant

10. remember to survive

11. your most important weapon is your brain

12. keep breathing

13. consider investing in personal protection products and resource information

You have been exposed to an array of information that should have heightened your awareness and empowered you with self preservation techniques and confidence. The most important thing to remember is this: Our job is NOT to tell you what to do in a particular confrontation. Each situation is different. You have been provided a set of tools. It is up to you to use those tools as you see fit. Never forget: YOUR MAIN GOAL IS TO SURVIVE. A situation may be handled from a simple confrontation using a command to STOP or NO… to a imminent rape to where you have to make the ultimate decision: continue to fight and resist or submit. That decision can ONLY be made by you and you alone.

“Friends” Raping Friends–Could It Happen to You?

When you hear the word “rape,” what do you think of? If you imagine a stranger jumping out of the bushes on a dark night and attacking someone, you are only partly right–because most rapes are not committed by strangers but by men who know their victims, who often have gone out with them previously and are supposedly their friends. This phenomenon is called “acquaintance” or “date” rape.

Acquaintance rape is forced, unwanted intercourse with a person you know. It is a violation of your body and your trust. It is an act of violence. It can be with someone you have just met, or dated a few times, or even with someone to whom you are engaged. The force involved can come from threats or tone of voice, as well as from physical force or weapons. Experts estimate that as many as 90 percent of all rapes are never reported; in those that are reported, about 60% of the victims know their assailants.(In one study by the National Center for the Prevention and Control of Rape, 92% of adolescent rape victims said they were acquainted with their attackers. Reported in Newsweek, April 9, 1984) Of these, women 15 to 25 years old are the majority of victims.(McDermott, Joan, Rape Victimization in 26 American Cities, 1979. Washington, DC: U.S. Dept. of Justice as cited in Pauline B. Bart and Patricia H. O’Brien, Stopping Rape, Pergamon Press, NY, 1985, p. 131)

In 1985, Mary Koss, a professor at Kent State University, surveyed approximately 7,000 students on thirty-two campuses on behalf of Ms. magazine and found that one in eight women were the victims of rape. One in every twelve men admitted to having forced a woman to have intercourse or tried to force a woman to have intercourse through physical force or coercion; that is, admitted to raping or attempting to rape a woman. Virtually none of these men, however, identified themselves as rapists. Similarly, only 57% of the women who had been raped labeled their experience as rape; the other 43% had not even acknowledged to themselves that they had been raped.(As cited in Ellen Sweet, “Date Rape. The Story of an Epidemic and Those Who Deny It,” Ms., October 1985, p. 56)

Date rape occurs on virtually all campuses, small or large, private or public, rural or urban. Unfortunately, it cannot always be prevented. The more you know about it, however, the more likely it is that you can avoid being put in a situation where it could occur. You can learn the early warning signs and how to react to them. The majority of men are not rapists but some are. In this booklet we hope to show you what to watch out for, why it occurs, and what to do should it happen to you or a friend. Thinking and talking about acquaintance rape and what you might do if you find yourself in a bad situation can increase your chances of avoiding rape.

Because the overwhelming majority of rapes are committed by men, we will refer throughout this booklet to the rapist as “he” and the victim as “she.” We will use “acquaintance rape” and “date rape” interchangeably.

How Does Date Rape Usually Occur?
Date rapes typically occur when a woman is alone with a man. If you go to a man’s room or apartment or even get into his car alone, you are vulnerable. Date rapes can occur when others are relatively close by; for example, they can take place in an upstairs bedroom while fifty people are attending a party on the first floor.

Alcohol and drugs are sometimes a significant factor in date rape. Many victims say later that they drank too much or took too many drugs to realize what was going on; by the time they realized their predicament, it was too late. Sometimes a woman passes out and awakens to find a man having sex with her. On the other hand, some date rapes occur when alcohol is not involved or when the victim has had little or nothing to drink but the man has been drinking and becomes sexually aggressive. Mixed signals are another element in date rape. The woman acts in a friendly manner; the man interprets this friendliness as an invitation to have sex. “No” is heard as “maybe” and even a strong protest can be ignored under the delusion that women say “no” when they mean “yes.” Some men find it sexually exciting to have a woman struggle. If the woman protests only mildly, the man may think he is merely “persuading” her, not forcing her to have sex (He may think the same, however, even if she protests vigorously.) Sometimes a woman is not clear in her own mind about what she wants or she may think she will make up her mind as she goes along. If she changes her mind at some point and decides not to have sex, the man can feel cheated, rejected, and angry. He may be interpreting her nonverbal messages, such as her enjoyment of kissing and caressing, as meaning that she wants to have sex with him. At this point he may decide he has been teased or misled and “deserves” to get some satisfaction, regardless of the woman’s wishes. The result can be rape.

Although acquaintance rape is often a spontaneous act, many are planned, some days in advance, others in the preceding hour(s). Sometimes men plan to have sex with a woman even if they have to force the issue. These men have typically forced sex before and gotten away with it. They usually look for victims who are unassertive–perhaps someone who is not very popular an would be flattered to go on a date with him. Needless to say, these men do not see themselves as repeat rapists; they are merely “out to have a good time.”

What Are the Causes of Date Rape?
There is no one direct cause of date rape. Although there are usually three key elements involved, socialization, miscommunication, and/or changing sexual mores, one major reason for date rape is a lack of consideration for a woman’s rights and wishes. In a general sense, traditional male and female roles in society are part of the problem. Men are taught at a very early age to be aggressors; they participate in aggressive team sports, are encouraged to be competitive, not to give up, to keep on trying. They are encouraged to have strong sexual feelings and to experiment with their sexual satisfaction as a part of their masculinity. This environment which encourages men to be competitive and get what they want often leads to a belief in the “right to have sex.” Women on the other hand are socialized to be more passive, dependent, to be peacemakers, to avoid scenes, to be “lady-like.” They are discouraged from experimenting with their sexuality: “Good girls don’t fool around.” The double standard allows men to have sexual feelings and act on them; in contrast, a woman is allowed to be sexual primarily when she becomes “carried away” with emotion. Communication between men and women is often problematical, especially in the realm of sex. Especially in a first sexual encounter with someone, some women may say “no” when they mean “maybe” or even “yes,” and men have been taught to try to turn that no/maybe into a yes. Thus, it is sometimes hard for men to know when “no” really does mean “no.” Women on the other hand, don’t want to agree to sex too readily for fear they will be seen as “loose” or “easy.” Misperceptions abound; a woman thinks she is merely being friendly, but her date thinks she’s signaling willingness to have sex. Furthermore, stereotypes about women as passive and submissive can also foster a climate for sexual assaults.

The last few decades have seen a general loosening of sexual standards. With the advent of the birth control pill, many people are sexually active at younger ages than previously, including many college-age women and men. Thus, many college-age men may expect sex as a given after they have gone out with someone a few times. Sometimes the woman shares this expectation, but sometimes she does not. Some men believe they are entitled to sex when they have spent money on a date. Others may believe that if a woman is sexually active, she will willingly have sex with anyone, including him.

Acquaintance rape, however, is not simply a crime of passion, or merely a result of miscommunication. It is, instead, often an attempt to assert power and anger. Some men are sexually aggressive because they are basically insecure. Forcing sex on another person makes them feel strong because it makes someone else feel weak. Rape is violence against a woman. It is an issue that strikes at the heart of the personal relationship between a man and a woman, how they treat each other, arid how they respect each other’s wishes. People who respect others do not coerce others to do things they do not want to do.

Seduction vs. Rape
One of the key questions in the issue of date rape is the difference between seduction and rape: the man feels he has merely seduced a woman, the woman feels that she was raped. A useful distinction to keep in mind is that seduction involves no force, implied or otherwise. Seduction occurs when a woman is manipulated or cajoled into agreeing to have sex; the key word is “agreeing.” Acquaintance rape often occurs when seduction fails and the man goes ahead and has sex with the woman anyway, despite any protests and without her agreement.

What You Can Do to Avoid Situations That Might Lead to Date Rape
You can’t always avoid date rape. Nevertheless, there are some things you can do to minimize your chances of being raped.

* Examine your feelings about sex. Many women have been socialized to believe that sex means that they will be swept away with the emotion of the moment or that they can “make out” and then decide whether to say “yes” or “no” to sex later. The problem with this kind of thinking is that it gives too much control to the other person.

* Set sexual limits. It is your body, and no one has the right to force you to do anything you do not want to do. If you do not want someone to touch you or kiss you, for example, you can say “Take your hands off me,” or “Don’t touch me,” or “If you don’t respect my wishes right now, “I’m leaving.” Stopping sexual activity doesn’t mean that anything is wrong with you, or that you’re not a “real” woman.

* Decide early if you would like to have sex. The sooner you communicate firmly and clearly your sexual intentions the easier it will be for your partner to hear and accept your decision

* Do not give mixed messages; be clear. Say “yes” when you mean “yes” and say “no” when you mean “no.” (The ability to be assertive can be developed by training and practice)

* Be alert to other unconscious messages you may be giving. Men may interpret your behavior differently from what you intended. Often women and men send strong nonverbal signs of willingness to enter a sexual relationship and unintentional signals that might conflict with their words, and thereby contribute to sexual assault. Be aware of signals you send with your posture, clothing, tone of voice, gestures, and eye contact.

* Be forceful and firm. Do not worry about not being “polite.” Often men interpret passivity as permission; they may ignore or misunderstand “nice” or “polite” approaches. Say something like “Stop this. I’m not enjoying it,” or “Your behavior is not encouraging an open relationship between us.” If a woman ignores sexual activity she does not like, a man is likely to interpret that as tacit approval for him to continue. Men are not mind readers.

* Be independent and aware on your dates. Do not be totally passive. Do have opinions on where to go. Do think about appropriate places to meet (not necessarily at your room or his), and, if possible, pay your own way or suggest activities that do not cost any money.

* Do not do anything you do not want to just to avoid a scene or unpleasantness. Women have been socialized to be polite. In an effort to be nice, they may be reluctant to yell or run away or escape being attacked. Do not be raped because you were too polite to get our of a dangerous situation. If you are worried about hurting his feelings, remember, he is ignoring your feelings. Be aware of how stereotypes about women may affect your behavior. Accepting beliefs that “women shouldn’t express themselves strongly” or that “anger is unfeminine” make women more vulnerable.

* Be aware of specific situations in which you do not feel relaxed and in charge. Unwillingness to acknowledge a situation as potentially dangerous and reluctance to appear oversensitive often hold women back from responding in the interest of their own safety. For example, avoid attending or staying late at parties where men greatly outnumber women. Don’t be afraid to leave early because it might seem rude. Situations where there are few women around can quickly get out of hand.

* If things start to get out of hand, be loud in protesting, leave, go for help. Do not wait for someone else to rescue you or for things to get better. If it feels uncomfortable, leave quickly.

* Trust your gut-level feelings. If you feel you are being pressured you probably are, and you need to respond. If a situation feels bad, or you start to get nervous about the way your date is acting, confront the person immediately or leave the situation as quickly as possible.

* Be aware that alcohol and drugs are often related to acquaintance rape. They compromise your ability (and that of your date) to make responsible decisions. If you choose to drink alcohol, drink responsibly. Be able to get yourself home and do not rely on others to “take care” of you.

* Avoid falling for such lines as “You would if you loved me.” If he loves you, he will respect your feelings and will wait until you are ready.

* If you are unsure of a new acquaintance, go on a group or double date. If this is not possible, meet him in a public place and have your own transportation home.

* Have your own transportation, if possible, or taxi fare. At least for the first few dates, this establishes your independence and makes you appear to be a less vulnerable target.

* Avoid secluded places where you are in a vulnerable position. This is especially critical at the beginning of a relationship. Establish a pattern of going where there are other people, where you feel comfortable and safe. This will give you a chance to get to know your date better and decide if you wish to continue dating him.

* Be careful when you invite someone to your home or you are invited to his home. These are the most likely places where acquaintance rape occur.

* Examine your attitudes about money and power. If he pays for the date does that influence your ability to say “no”? If so, then pay your own way or suggest dates that do not involve money.

* Think about the pros and cons of dating much older men. Although they may be sophisticated and have the money to treat you well, they may also be more sexually experienced and may therefore expect more sooner.

* Socialize with people who share your values. If you go out with people who are more sexually permissive than you are, you may be perceived as sharing those values. Remember… It is possible to be aware without being afraid; to take responsibility for your own behavior without being a prude; to request that others not violate your space and your privacy without putting them down.

Real Men Don’t Rape
Real men accept the responsibility to not harm another person.

* It is never OK to force yourself on a woman, even if

o she teases you

o dresses provocatively or leads you on

o she says “no” and you think she means “yes”

o you’ve had sex before with her

o you’ve paid for her dinner or given her expensive gifts

o you think women enjoy being forced to have sex or want to be persuaded

o the woman is under the influence of alcohol or drugs

* Rape is a crime of violence. It is motivated primarily by desire to control and dominate, rather than by sex. It is illegal.

* If you are getting a double message from a woman, speak up and clarify what she wants. If you find yourself in a situation with a woman who is unsure about having sex or is saying “no,” back off. Suggest talking about it.

* Do not assume you know what your partner wants; check out your assumptions.

* Be sensitive to women who are unsure whether they want to have sex. If you put pressure on them, you may be forcing them.

* Do not assume you both want the same degree of intimacy. She may be interested in some sexual contact other than intercourse. There may be several kinds of sexual activity you might mutually agree to share.

* Stay in touch with your sexual desires. Ask yourself if you are really hearing what she wants. Do not let your desires control your actions.

* Communicate your sexual desires honestly and as early as possible.

* If you have any doubts about what your partner wants, STOP. ASK. CLARIFY.

* Your desires may be beyond your control, but your actions are within your control. Sexual excitement does not justify forced sex.

* Do not assume her desire for affection is the same as a desire for intercourse.

* Not having sex or not “scoring” does not mean you are not a “real man.” It is OK not to “score.”

* A woman who turns you down for sex is not necessarily rejecting you as a person; she is expressing her decision not to participate in a single act at that time.

* No one asks to be raped. No matter how a woman behaves, she does not deserve to have her body used in ways she does not want.

* “No” means no. If you do not accept a woman’s “no,” you might risk raping someone whom you thought meant “yes.”

* Taking sexual advantage of a person who is mentally or physically incapable of giving consent (for example, drunk) is rape. If a woman has had too much to drink and has passed out, or is not in control of herself, having sex with her is rape.

* The fact that you were intoxicated is not a legal defense to rape. You are responsible for your actions, whether you are sober or not.

* Be aware that a man’s size and physical presence can be intimidating to a woman. Many victims report that the fear they felt based on the man’s size and presence was the reason why they did not fight back or struggle. Note: Men can be victims of rape and have the same rights to counseling and legal action as women do.

Danger Signals: Watch Out for These Men

Unfortunately, a nice, normal man can turn into a date rapist. However, there are some men who are more likely to be sexually aggressive than others. Watch out for:

* men who do not listen to you, ignore what you say, talk over you or pretend not to hear you. Such men generally have little respect for women and would be more likely to hear “no” as meaning “convince me.”

* men who ignore your personal space boundaries.

* men who express anger or aggression towards women as individuals or in general. Hostile feelings can easily be translated into hostile acts. Such men often get hostile when a woman says “no.”

* men who do what they want regardless of what you want. If a man does this in little ways–for example, if he makes all the decisions about what to do and where to go without asking your opinion–then he may also be likely to make the decision about whether you are ready to have sex with him.

* men who try to make you feel guilty, or accuse you of being “uptight” if you resist their sexual overtures.

* men who act excessively jealous or possessive.

* men who have wrong or unrealistic ideas about women (for example, “women are meant to serve men”). Such men are not likely to take your objections to sex seriously.

* men who drink heavily. A “mean drunk” can often get sexually aggressive, angry, or violent if he is rejected.

What Should You Do If Someone Tries to Force Sexual Activity on You?

* Stay calm and think. Figure out what your options are and how safe it is to resist.

* Say “no” strongly. Do not smile, do not act friendly or polite.

* Say something like “Stop it. This is rape.” This might shock the rapist into stopping.

* Assess the situation. Figure out how you can escape. Are there any other people around?

* Look for an escape route. If you can figure out a way to distract him, you can sometimes escape.

* Act quickly, if possible. The longer you stay in the situation, the fewer your options.

* Ask yourself if it is safe to resist. This is a critical question. Women who fight back initially, who hit and scream, have a much higher chance of avoiding the successful completion of an assault than women who plead or try to talk their way out of the situation. Nevertheless, resistance will depend on one main question: is he armed?

* If the man is UNARMED, then you have many options, including:

o fight back physically–punch him in the Adam’s apple, poke your finger in his eye, hit him with a lamp or other item, or kick him. Fight so that you can escape, as it is difficult for most women to incapacitate a man. Resistance may discourage the man or convince him that it is too much trouble to continue. Resist only as long as it is safe to do so. If resistance is dangerous, stop.

o run away. There is no shame in escaping a dangerous situation.

o say you have to use the bathroom, and then leave. o shout “fire.” If you shout “help,” some people will tend not to want to be involved in someone else’s problem. “Fire” concerns them and they are more likely to respond.

o use passive resistance (throw up). o use intimidation (lie; tell him your male roommate is on the way home; tell him you have herpes or VD).

o try to talk him out of it–try to appeal to his humanity, his sense of decency.

o gain his confidence so that he might let his guard down and you can escape.

o try to get him to see you as an individual person. Make him aware of the effect he is having on you. Tell him that he is hurting you.

* If the man is ARMED, then

o try to talk him out of it.

o try passive resistance. Your options are obviously a lot more limited when the man is armed with a weapon. In those situations you are taking your life in your hands if you decide to fight back. It may be possible to run away, if he is distracted, but only do this if you are reasonably sure you can get away.

What To Do If You Are Raped
* Go to a friend’s. This is not the time to be alone. At the very least, you need emotional support. If there is no one to go to, then call someone you can talk to, no matter how late it is.

* Get medical attention. Do not shower or clean yourself first. As soon as possible, go to a hospital or school health center to be examined and treated for possible venereal disease. You may have internal injuries which you are not aware of. If you decide to press charges, physical specimens collected soon after the rape will be valuable evidence.

* Report the attack to police and university or college officials, whether or not you plan to file charges. (Reporting a rape does not commit you to filing charges. You can make that decision later.) Have someone go with you. You can go the next day, but the sooner the better. Rarely do date rapists attack one woman only; they get away with it and so they continue to do it. If you turn him in, you may break that pattern and save someone else from being attacked.

* Consider whether you want to file charges with the police and/or with the campus authorities if the man is a student. If you do decide to press charges, the chances of conviction with acquaintance rape are low, although police, judges, and schools are increasingly more sympathetic than in the past. Some states now have rape shield laws, so that the past sexual behavior of a woman cannot be brought up.

* Get help and support, such as counseling. At the very least, call a rape or crisis hot line. Many schools and communities have them. Your school counseling center, student health center, or local sexual assault center also may be of help. You have been through a trauma and need help to deal with the situation and with your feelings. Women who get counseling get over their experiences faster and with fewer lasting effects than those who get no help.

* Write a letter to the rapist. There is a particular kind of a letter that victims of sexual harassment have often used to stop harassment that can be used by a rape victim who knows her attacker. The letter consists of three parts:

o Part I is a factual account of what has happened without any evaluation, as seen by the writer. (People usually agree with the facts but disagree with the interpretation.) It should be as detailed as possible with dates, places, and a description of the incident.

o Part II describes how the writer feels about the events described in part I, such as shame, misery, distrust, anger fear and revulsion, such as “I feel humiliated,” “I feel I was exploited.”

o Part III consists of what the writer wants to happen next.

o The letter is delivered by registered or certified mail. Copies are not sent to anyone else.

o A sample letter, which can be of any length: “Dear John, On November 23rd you and I went to the movies and afterwards you invited me to your room to see your softball trophies. When you kissed me, I enjoyed it but then you started undressing me and when I asked you to stop, you didn’t. Then you forced me to have sex with you. I trusted you and you betrayed me. You ignored my protests and used me. I was so upset that I wasn’t able to go to class the next day. I cried a lot, and I’m also having trouble sleeping. I think you are disgusting. I don’t ever want to go out with you again or even talk with you and I hope you never do this to anyone else.” Writing the letter can give the victim a sense of doing something constructive about the situation. It can also give the man a new perception of how his behavior is viewed by others.

* Do not blame yourself. Many people assume that the man is expected to ask for sex and the woman is responsible for giving permission for sex. Thus the woman may feel it is her fault for not having said “no” more clearly or for having trusted the man in the first place. Some men and women may also blame the victim and offer little or no sympathy. Men may believe you must have somehow “led on” the rapist; some women may suggest you either used poor judgment or have a bad reputation, so it is your own fault. In both cases, they are trying to distance themselves from what happened. If you find that you are being blamed for what happened, it is helpful to go to a counseling center, a rape crisis center, or call a hot line. You need to be reassured that you are not to blame; the rapist is. Even if your body responded sexually to the rapist, it does not mean you “enjoyed” the experience or that it is your fault. Even if you believe you were naive, not cautious, or even foolish, it is not your fault. Your behavior did not cause the rape; the rapist caused the rape.

What Are the Effects of Date Rape?
Different people react to stress and trauma differently. However, most rape victims go through definable stages of rape trauma syndrome. This syndrome is comprised of three parts: trauma, denial, and resolution.

* Trauma

o Fear of being alone. This may be especially acute shortly after the rape but can also continue for a while afterwards.

o Fear of men. Some women may be fearful and angry at all men. Counseling can be especially helpful in preventing this from becoming a long lasting problem. Victims of date rape, especially, are left doubting their choice of partners and wondering how they can ever again date safely and if they will be able to trust themselves and others.

o Sexual problems. For some people, these may continue for a long time since the sexual act now has been associated with so many negative feelings. Again, counseling can often be helpful in overcoming these problems.

o Depression. This can sometimes come and go over a long period of time. Generally, the more a survivor can talk about her situation, the less severe the depression.

o Fear of retaliation. Unfortunately, this may be a legitimate fear, especially if charges are pressed. However, such retaliation is in itself illegal, and can result in additional charges. Any threat of retaliation should be reported immediately to the institution and/or the police. If this is not sufficient, a lawyer should be contacted to help obtain a restraining order and explore additional options.

o Afraid to trust. This may manifest itself long after the actual rape has occurred when the survivor begins to date again and wonders if it will happen once more.

o Concern over reactions from family/friends. It is not always necessary for a survivor to tell her family and/or all of her friends if she is very sure that they will not support her and will react badly. However, family and close friends may be more supportive than the victim anticipates.

o Physical problems. These include venereal disease, as well as physical symptoms of stress, such as stomach aches, headaches, back problems, inability to sleep, or diminished appetite.

o Feelings of anger, helplessness, guilt, pain, embarrassment, or anxiety. These are all typical reactions and generally disappear with time. In any case, keep in mind that whatever happened and however it happened, rape is the fault of the rapist, not the victim.

* Denial

o Not wanting to talk about it. There is a sense of wanting to get on with life and put the experience in the past. This may, in fact, last for months.

* Resolution

o Dealing with fears and feelings. The primary way to work through these feelings is to talk to someone, be it a friend, member of the clergy, hot line, or counselor.

o Regaining a sense of control over life. This will happen usually only after a victim has dealt with her fears and feelings. At this point, she will be ready to put the experience behind her and get on with her life; she is ready to be in charge again.

Family and Friends: How to Help After a rape, survivors may be openly upset, even hysterical, or they may be numb and seemingly calm. The victim needs to:

* Obtain medical assistance.

* Feel safe. Rape is a traumatic violation of a person. Especially in the beginning, it is often difficult for victims to be alone.

* Be believed. With date rape especially, victims need to be believed that what occurred was, in fact, a rape.

* Know it was not her fault. Most rape victims feel guilty and feel that the attack was somehow their fault.

* Take control of her life. When a person is raped, she may feel completely out of control of what is happening to her. A significant step on the road to recovery is to regain a sense of control in little, as well as big, things. Things you can to to help:

* Listen; do not judge. It is not your place to play prosecutor and make her prove her story. Accept her version of the facts and be supportive. You may have to deal with your feelings separately if you feel that it was somehow her fault. Many rape counseling services can be helpful to friends and relatives of women who have been victims.

* Offer shelter. If it is at all possible, stay with her at her place or let her at least spend one night at your place. This is not the time for her to be alone.

* Be attainable. She may need to talk at odd hours, or a great deal at the beginning. She may not have a lot of people she can talk to and she may over rely on one person. Be there as much as you can and encourage her to either call a hot line or go for counseling.

* Give comfort. She has been badly treated. She needs to be nurtured.

* Let her know she is not to blame. This is crucial. Many rape victims blame themselves. She needs to be reassured that the rapist is to blame, she is not.

* Be patient and understanding. Everyone has her own timetable for recovering from a rape. Do not impose one on the victim.

* Encourage action–for example, suggest she call a hot line, go to a hospital or health center, and/or call the police. Respect her decision if she decides not to file charges.

* Do not be overly protective; encourage her to make her own decisions. She needs to feel in control of her life and this will not be possible if you do everything for her.

* Accept her choice of solution to the rape–even if you disagree with what she is doing. It is more important that she make decisions and have them respected than it is for you to impose what you think is the “right” decision.

* Put aside your feelings, and deal with them somewhere else. Although it is supportive for a rape survivor to know that others are equally upset with what happened, it does her no good if on top of her feelings, she also has to deal with, for example, your feelings of rage and anger. If you have strong feelings, talk to another friend or to a local hot line.

Legal Implications
Women who have been raped by an acquaintance have the same options as those raped by strangers. They can press criminal and/or Civil charges against the man who raped them. In general, date rapes are often difficult to prove. A gun or knife is rarely used and so it is harder for a woman to prove that she was forced to have sex. It is almost always his word against hers. The man’s attorney may argue that the woman “wanted” to have sex with his client, did so, and then thought better of it and so charged rape. The woman has to prove that she did not want sex, resisted, and was overpowered.

Unfortunately, date rapists rarely rape only once. If a woman does go ahead and press charges, there is a chance that she will be able to stop the rapist from hurting other people. Pressing charges also helps many rape victims regain a sense of control over their lives; they are taking some positive action. A pamphlet from Stanford University, Working Against Rape, describes the dilemma:

The decision to press charges is difficult and important. As more women force their courts and communities to deal with rape, awareness about rape increases. By pressing charges women claim the right to have the crime taken seriously. Legal proceedings may help prevent other women from suffering a rape…Conviction rates have increased…in recent years. Some women press charges to demonstrate that they will not be passive when they are threatened. When women fight back–both literally and through the courts–men might not rape as easily. A woman who presses charges can decide for any reason, at any time, to drop them. On the other hand, some women decide not to press charges because they don’t want their personal lives and rape experience aired publicly. Sometimes women’s anger and desire to act are limited by the time and stamina needed for a court case, and there are often educational or economic barriers to pursuing a case. Often women protest the fact that the man’s and victim’s Ace and class unfairly determine how they are treated in court. Some women don’t want to jail rapists as a response to rape. And some avoid pressing charges because they fear retaliation, although even in cases when a rapist threatens to return if he is reported, repeat rapes are uncommon. In some cases a woman’s legal counsel will advise against pressing charges. It is difficult to get a trial, let alone a conviction, when the victim is raped by a husband or boyfriend, is hitchhiking, or is under the influence of alcohol or drugs at the time of the rape.

In addition to–or apart from–bringing criminal charges, a woman may also have the option of suing the individual man who raped her. Laws of evidence are less strict for civil suits so even if she does not file a criminal suit, or if she loses a criminal suit, it is still possible in some instances to collect damages. Some victims have filed suit against an institution or fraternity (if the rape took place at a fraternity function).

If the perpetrator is a minor, the victim may be able to sue his parents. A woman should discuss these options with a knowledgeable attorney Again, since date rape is so difficult to prove, a woman might spend a great deal of money in attorney’s fees and lose the case.

Additionally, in some colleges and universities, it is possible to file a charge against a student who has violated the institution’s rules. A woman can choose to file charges in her institution regardless of what she does in relation to criminal and civil charges. In some instances, the rapist has been suspended from school.

All rape is traumatic but there is something particularly traumatic about a woman being raped by someone she knows and previously had liked and trusted. Although only a small percentage of men commit date rape, these men do a disproportionate amount of harm. As women become more aware of what date rape is and how it occurs, they may be able to lower the chances of it happening to them. Rape is not a private issue but a public one. Acquaintance rape cannot be considered solely a “personal” issue involving a particular man and a particular woman. It is a problem that concerns all men and all women because it deals with the basic issue of the ways in which men and women relate to each other. There is a need for colleges and universities to have rape prevention programs not only to help women protect themselves but to help men understand the issue of rape and thereby make the college campus a safer environment for everyone.

Some More thoughts on All of This.
There have been a few women who have worked, in different capacities, on challenging and confronting Jux. They have been completely discounted by the folks in this piece of shit we call a scene. They have been called liars, they have been harassed and followed, they have been intimidated. To me it seems like men (and women) defending male privilege. It also seems like adults defending adult privilege. I believe that a big part of why people are defending Jux is because by doing so they are defending themselves. One of the defining features of (the disease known as) American male sexuality is the preference towards sexually inexperienced, young (to the point of just barely having entered puberty) girls. Guys are usually into using young girls. They take more shit. They are less likely to demand respect or other courtesies. They are less likely to demand or request the man to be available to their sexual or emotional needs.

If a man with this frame of mind were to honestly question Jux’s violating of young boys sexually, then they are going to have to take a look at there own sexual behavior. They would have to come to some uncomfortable conclusions about their own behavior. Defending Jux is defending one’s self. Sometimes I wonder if being a punk and working on your sexism just means not saying the wrong words in front of the wrong people and maybe owning a Spitboy record or two. Also I wanted to point out that if we want to live in a world with out cops it means we need to take responsibility. Firstly for ourselves. Secondly for those who aren’t taking responsibility for themselves. All government and society aside, it is the adult’s responsibility to keep the children safe. In our “community” we have done the exact opposite. Not only have we not kept the kids safe, we kept those four women from being able to create an enviorment where Jux wouldn’t be allowed to hurt people anymore. If those four women were in bands and were men it would have been taken seriously a long time ago. I know this is true because it started to be taken seriously by some people when I (a man in a band) brought it up.

A Word or Two to Jux.
Jux, I don’t care what scene icon you can get to slag me in public or in their zines, I don’t care how many kids you have scared into silence, I don’t care whether or not you have a fire arm, I don’t care if you try to sue me for libel or slander, you can’t shut me up and you’re not getting away with it. If you so much as touch any of the kids for talking to me I will go straight to the police. If you try to do anything to me it’s going to be pretty obvious it was you. Jeff Ott.

One Account From a Friend of the Victim by Anonymous.
Myths About Male Sexual Abuse was taken from Nelson Blain’s Abuse Pages.
Some Rape Info and “Friends” Raping Friends Taken from the Sexual Assault Information Page.
All Else By Me.

1 thought on “My World 8

  1. Pingback: My World Zine | Punx In Solidarity

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