My World 9

Welcome to My World 9.

As always you can reach me at:
48 Shattuck Square #6
Berkeley CA 95407

The Politics of Failure

Hi Jeff Ott here. I wanted to talk to you about some of the ethical and political considerations of punk rock music. I got into this scene thing in around 1983. I was 12 and a half at the time. By that time Maximum Rock and Roll generally, and Tim Yohannon specifically had a kind of stranglehold on what could and what could not be considered punk. The basic thinking as far as I could tell at the time was that because the rock stars of the 70s and 80s were so decadent and arrogant and pompous that we shouldn’t be anything like them. As time went on the ideology developed into the ramifications of the record industry being tied into the defense industry and other bad things. Eventually the mere possibility of breaking even on a band or doing a record with any non-MRR approved record labels was almost completely taboo, selling out and treason against the scene.

In the early Nineties it became very clear that mainstream media was going to start signing punk rock bands and present it like it’s the new thing. As it started happening we fully engaged the debate as to whether or not it should happen without really looking at the fact that it wasn’t in our power to stop it. Some of my friend’s bands went to major labels. I had already bought the MRR ideology hook, line and sinker but the fact that it was my friends afforded me the space to see if I thought it was wrong or not. The first thing that I noticed that nobody had an argument against was the fact that if Green Day wasn’t on MTV and wasn’t selling tons of CDs then it would most certainly be some other band. Our refusal to work with the major labels would basically have no effect on whether or not those corporations (and their defense industry buddies) made money. MRR threw the idea out over and over, if you just don’t do business with them then they won’t make any money off of you. So what, they will make as much money whether it’s you or the New Kids On The Block.

As time went on some of my friend’s bands did a handful of benefits for local radical and activist organizations. These produced huge amounts of money. Six Figures. My whole concept of doing lots of benefit shows that would raise about 100-200 each started to look pretty sad. One of the benefit shows Green Day did made about 35,000 dollars for San Francisco Food Not Bombs. Lotta money right? Wrong. It didn’t even cover their current lawyer bills. They had tons of cases against them for serving food. One of the main organizers Keith Machinery had a three strikes charge against him for serving food. It started to occur to me that it was much more important to provide lawyers, keep the meals going, and to build infrastructure for future revolutionary movements than t was to obey Tim Yohannon. Punk Rock always like to claim that it was revolutionary and against the system but it consistently fell short. It could criticize the system but it always was and is too chicken to actually confront the system and to attack the system. As I got older the whole idea of having an anti-establishment identity, but not actually doing anything got really old. At this point in my life I read an article about what Rage Against the Machine was doing with the money they were making. They were funding real shit. Zapatistas and Mumia’s defense. Yeah we were pure, but they were getting the job done and we were just hot air. As I got more involved in organizing it really dawned on me that actual revolution is going to take a lot of people, a lot of money and a lot of work. The whole idea of following Tim Yohannons line of thinking stopped making sense. I began to view it as deciding to fail. I have kids so I can’t afford to fail. I can’t afford the consequences of letting corporate/government control of everything going unchallenged. As I got even older and started having responsibilities like feeding my kids I noticed another flaw in the idea that bands shouldn’t make money. I couldn’t afford to do a band anymore. According to the rules of MRR everyone in the world should have a living wage but if you’re in a band you shouldn’t even make minimum wage. If I even got minimum wage for every hour I put into Fifteen I would own my own home by now. Instead I lived in doorways. That’s real solidarity with the workers huh?

So lastly I wanted to bring up all the things that we wouldn’t have if the MRR ideology was universally accepted. We would have lost a major piece of the movement against the Viet Nam war. Major Label bands played a very large role in stopping the worlds largest empire from destroying the people of Viet Nam. What do we have to point to, well we have argued about Green Day and bar codes until we were all blue in the face.

Lately I took my daughter to see one of her favorite bands Everclear. They are on a major label. I have abandoned my daughter for about 3/4s of her life. Lots of men do that. The band Everclear has a song called Father of Mine. It’s about the guy’s dad leaving him and his mom at the age of ten and how much it hurt him. When we went to see Everclear they played that song and my daughter and I had what is clearly one of the most important experiences of my life. I realized that not only did that major label band play an integral part of healing my relationship with my daughter, they are probably the first people to give a huge number of kids permission and space to rightfully place blame for all the pain they feel on the parent who caused that pain. This is infinitely more important than how much we hate bar codes. Lastly is the argument that major labels are buying up rebellion to present it in a safe way. I haven’t really seen more than a couple of punk rock bands that do anything but talk and pose.

So I guess what IM trying to say is instead of slagging all the nonpolitical bands for being on major labels, maybe we should be slagging the political bands for not being on major labels.

Why Jake Sayles, Kamala Parks, Jagger Bredahl, Cassandra Milispaugh Shoshana Wheaton, and Clayton McBride should eat shit.

On October 4th, 1998 the above mentioned individuals distributed the following flyer at a Fifteen show in People’s Park in Berkeley California. I will go through this point by point.

The text of their original flyer appears in bold print.

Why You Should Question Jeff Ott? – Jeff is a traitor to alternative lifestyles and has become a born-again Christian.

Traitor? Alternative lifestyles? Born again Christian? If you guys would of put that one last maybe somebody would have taken you seriously. First of all, I am not any kind of Christian. I have NEVER attended any church service ever. I have never been baptized. I have never accepted anyone as my personal savior. My spirituality is centered on my knowing that I am part of an organism called earth. That’s about it. Furthermore, saying that someone is guilty of something because of his or her faith is bigoted bullshit. Not particularly different from the homophobia you accuse me of.

As far as a traitor to the alternative lifestyles goes, I guess so. I don’t thinks it’s OK to have NON-CONSENSUAL sex with drugged children. People throw around words like alternative all the time. Having an identity is fine but it accomplishes nothing by it’s self. I work towards revolution almost every fucking day. I run my own needle exchange program in Sonoma county, I generate funds and buy/distribute sleeping bags, socks and vitamins to homeless people, I am a community health worker in Petaluma (I educate young people about HIV, Hepatitis, proper condom usage, safe needle use, etc.), I work at a homeless shelter, I (since I moved to Sonoma County) have been working towards the establishment of civilian police review and justice for the families of the 18 people killed by police since I’ve moved here.

He has manipulated women and young girls into supporting him financially and sexually.

Absolutely true. Not in the last seven years of course, but this isn’t about what’s going on now, it’s about employee’s of the Press trying to defend/avenge their BOSS. I have been monogamous for three years with the woman I have been married to for almost two years. I financially support both my wife, our daughter and I pay child support to my older daughter’s mother. I have been supporting these people for years now. I do this by working between 2-3 jobs (usually 2) on average about 60 hours a week. That is on top of the political work I do for free.

He has been living in hypocrisy for many years. He has gotten Jux Beck in prison for lessor crimes than Jeff himself has committed and admitted to (see My World Zine) and never served any time for his crimes.

Lesser crimes my ass. I raped one woman (my own age, and once again 10 years ago) and started to do the same thing to another. Served time? No. I sought out and found one of the two women that I did those things to and successfully made amends to her. What does that mean? It means that I apologized and offered to do whatever she thought would set straight my actions (i.e. money for therapy, etc.). The other woman I have not found yet. Jux on the other hand has a well-defined pattern (stretching at least ten years) of intentionally getting people loaded and raping or taking advantage of them. These people are basically all about 20 years younger than him. The man is a SEXUAL PREDATOR who preys on children. So to say the two different scenarios are the same you’d have to be pretty stupid, or (once again) defending your BOSS.

He has misrepresented “victims” of Jux Beck in e-mails sent out all over the country.

Bullshit. They have one kid Jagger, who claims that Jux never did anything to him. Previously he told his friends that he had to wrestle Jux off of him. Additionally a third party saw Jux trying to do things to Jagger and a girl at a party. I talked to the girl and she told me that that did happen to her. I did not talk to Jagger about it. Defending one’s perpetrator is pretty common, go check out a domestic violence court sometime if that sounds too weird to you. People who associate with Jux and the presses love to point to the kid who made the initial accusation against Jux, saying that he took it all back. I was told by that kid that he didn’t want to have to talk to people about it anymore, he told me in the same conversation exactly what happened to him and it fits exactly the California Penal Code definition of rape. Furthermore friends of some of the victims have told me they have been harassed by Jake Sayles because of their actions against Jux (Also, as far as “misrepresenting” victims goes, after handing out these flyers Cassandra Millspaugh asked me to get her in touch with some of the victims, because she didn’t know if any of the accusations are true or not. If you don’t really know, what the fuck are you doing defending his sick ass?)

In his quest to get Jux Beck into prison, Jeff has advocated violence against him in e-mails by claiming that any action short of murder would be justified. In these e-mails, he also printed Jux’s home address and license plate numbers. His false claims of Jux’s sexual deviations coupled with there e-mails has put Jux and his housemates / friends in danger as well.

I didn’t say any action short of murder would be justified. I said I would support any action short of murder. If one of the kids whose life has been ruined by Jux wants to kill him, that’s just fine with me, but I don’t want to have anything to do with it. Once again I have never struck another person (with the exception of my brother once when I was 4). I sure did print his home address and licensee plate numbers; I also gave some of the kids he hurt wanted posters to put up in Jux’s neighborhood. The way I see it the more people who know who Jux is and what he does, the safer the rest of us are. So since you were in so much danger what the fuck ever happened to you? Your house got tagged a couple of times? How scary. That’s much worse than coming out of a black out and finding a man twice your age anally rapping you. Huh?

Also, at Lucky Dog’s funeral Lenny (Filth) told a mutual friend that I should stop doing what I was doing because people at the (I’m unclear on whether “at the presses” meant employee’s residents, or people who just hang out there) presses were talking about getting guns and ski masks and finding me in Santa Rosa. Nice try on playing the “were so oppressed and peaceful” game. Unless you’re saying Lenny is a lair (which I don’t think is the case).

Jeff claimed he would leave Jux alone and not write anymore e-mails as long as Jux attended counseling sessions for victims of sexual abuse. Even though Jux attended these sessions and voluntarily ended his friendships with adolescents, Jeff continued, against his word, to persecute Jux and falsely accuse him of molesting young boys.

Actually Jux agreed to also stop sexually assaulting young people. He continued. He broke the agreement not me. I got confirmation from a young woman that he had done something to her.

He continues to pursue Jux Beck while he serves his term in prison, attempting to subvert the plea bargain that was agreed to by Jux’s lawyer and the District Attorney. Jeff pursued Jux through authoritarian channels yet refuses to accept the punishment imposed on Jux by the law.

This one’s so far from reality it must have been intentionally made up. I wanted the whole time for Jux to take a plea. That means kid’s don’t have to be retraumatized in court. Did I try to disrupt the plea agreement? Nope. They’re just pissed because the Judge doesn’t like the deal offered (the judge doesn’t have to sentence according to the deal, it’s basically just a recommendation.). Maybe they can find a way I swayed the Judge too huh? Let’s count them. According to this flyer and other statements by Jux ‘s defenders I have:
1. Gotten kids to lie about being molested.
2. Gotten the police to believe said lies and arrest Jux.
3. Gotten the DA fooled also, and I get to tell the DA whether or not the Plea agreement is OK with me.
4. Gotten the Judge to change his mind also.
5. Gotten police in Southern California to lie and put Jux in their computer, identifying him as a suspect in the molestation of three kids (ten years ago before I ever knew Jux).

This is getting just a little ridiculous. If I had this kind of power, Jux is the last person I would be going after. Just for the record I have never talked to the DA of this case, I have only called the DA’s office to find out upcoming court dates. I have never talked to the Judge of this case in my life. The cops in Berkeley specifically don’t like me personally.

Jux, contrary to Jeff’s claims, has not been found guilty of raping anyone. Rather, he’s in prison for a mutually consensual sexual relationship with a minor.

I never claimed he was found guilty, I claimed and still do claim that he IS guilty. He was charged with violating a minor sexually. None of the people writing this crap have bothered to talk to that kid (who filed charges) about it. –

Jeff has basically ruined Jux’s life.

Finally a little bit of truth.The way I ruined his life is probably a better deal than the way he has ruined 20 lives that I know of so far. Jux will probably serve 1-2 years in jail. That’s a much better deal than living with being abused the rest of your life at least 20 times over. It’s probably better than the way his life would be ruined if somebody’s parents found out and killed him, don’t you think? What goes around comes around.

We think it’s time for Jeff Ott to stop his pursuit of Jux Beck

I haven’t done anything to or about Jux for months and months, but when consequences finally come his way his employee’s will sure try to make it look like I have.

This pamphlet was prepared by Jake Sayles, Kamala Parks, Jagger Bredahl, Cassandra Milispaugh, Shoshana Wheaton, and Clayton McBride. (PS – Shoshana, I wasn’t really passed out when you tried to fuck Jack next to me. It must suck not having the capacity to be honest, huh?)

A Little Bit More About Jux. (and MRR)

Back a year or two ago I started dealing with Jux. The first thing I did was end up on a committee established by the membership of 924 Gilman. When things got too personal for my tastes (Jux tried to sexually assault a very close friend of mine) I quit the committee and started sending emails to every punk I could find on the Internet. At the very next membership meeting Jux showed up in a rage, and threatened the officers of the club (my wife was present also) by saying “I’m going to get Tim Yohannon to deal with all of this. Low and behold the very next issue of MRR has a column by Tim warning people to watch out for myself and the club and “our” MacCarthyistic tactics. I was starting to get an image of Jux wielding Tim Yohannon around on a leash.

Tim had recently devoted an entire issue of MRR to presenting Lookout! Records and Lawrence in particular as the rough equivalent of the anti-christ (Larry’s crime? Failing to put a record out). I wrote a letter to MRR to defend myself and to point out that Tim was at least as MacCarthyistic as I could ever hope to be. It was sort of a surprise to me to find out that he refused to print my letter. It seemed like MRR had always let people at least reply to accusations made against them. So I sent the letter to Punk Planet who promptly printed it. The letter didn’t even name Jux.

In the next issue of Punk Planet and MRR there was a reply from Jux in the letters section. His letter basically said how I’m the actual rapist and how he never did anything to anybody (although he did apologize to unnamed people in the same letter). I thought this was sort of a funny statement considering I knew he would soon either plead guilty or be found guilty of a sex crime done to a minor. I proceeded to send a letter of reply to both Punk Planet and MRR, as usual punk planet printed it and MRR didn’t. I began a dialog with Ikki at MRR as to why the letter wasn’t printed. Jux’s letter made accusations against me that were provably false. Ikki told me he would look into it and talk to the collective about it. Because he was very new to the magazine I ended up dealing with Jacqueline instead. She and I talked quite a bit over a period of weeks. I tried to make it clear that journalistic responsibility means letting a person respond to accusations. I tried to get her to understand that not only did they print a libelous letter, but the author was listed as a “worker” in that issue and also had a paid ad in that issue. I tried to explain to her that it would be pretty easy to sue MRR. It wasn’t just a letter, it was the opinion of a worker at the zine for which they are directly responsible. So anyway, it became clear no letter would be printed. Next thing I know Jux was picked up by the police and charged with three counts of felony sexual assault.

I then requested that MRR at least let me send in an update, since the nature of the accusations made against me were that I was a liar and nothing I said about Jux was true. I figured that him being charged should significantly offset Jux’s prior statements. When Jacqueline finally got back to me the last time all she had to say was that somebody named Timojen thought my information was sketchy and so they couldn’t print anything by me (they never talked to any of Jux’s accusers). Then she went on to tell me that the magazine had decided not to print anything about Jux at all. That’s pretty convenient considering they have tried to promote Jux’s innocence since the word go (presumably due to Tim Yohannon’s long-standing friendship with Jux) all the way until it was obvious that Jux was going to get caught. At which point they stick their head up their ass and pretend nothing ever happened.

During our conversations Jacqueline stated that she was concerned about not re-traumatizing Jux’s victims by defending Jux. Well guess what Jacqueline, that’s exactly what you did. So what can I say? I don’t know, Tim’s dead and MRR’s stranglehold on the scene is waning, as it should be. Timojen, smells like contempt prior to investigation and personalities over principals to me.


Over 1998 I worked at a recycling center for about nine months. Here’s what I learned:
1. Only buy glass. When aluminum and plastic are melted down you lose a lot of the material in the form of fumes and smoke. When you melt down glass you lose almost nothing. Additionally the more people use glass, the more likely it is that stores will go back to washing and reusing bottles, which takes even less energy than recycling them.
2. Plastic isn’t really recyclable. You can turn some plastics into harder plastics, but you can’t turn the harder plastics into much of anything. Easy solution – don’t buy plastic.
3. Aluminum isn’t recycled into cans. When you put your aluminum cans in the recycle, they get smashed into blocks and then they get sent to Asia where they are melted down and made into car engines. Therefore every time you drink soda/beer from a can, the can is made out of virgin materials. That means they cut up a mountain and used a whole slew of toxic chemicals to separate the ore from the earth. Simple solution – don’t use cans.
4. Paper is recyclable. It seems like most people only recycle their newspaper. You can recycle colored paper, newsprint, cardboard, blueprints, magazines, etc. Basically everything.
5. Here’s a list of other things that you can recycle. Brass, Copper, Scrap Aluminum, Lithoplate, Xerox cylinders, Steel. If you live in a small town they might take all of these things, but if you live in a big town there is probably a place that will.
6. There’s a lot of pretty severe alcoholics working at recycling centers.
7. There’s a big section of hell set aside for people who put things like dirty diapers and vomit in their bags of recycle.
8. Most counties have a recycling hotline, so if your recycling center doesn’t take certain things call up the hotline and find out who does.

Interview with Vanessa

Vanessa is my Daughter; she showed me this place on the Internet where you can download this free software so you can talk (IM) to people with AOL. Once I got the software installed we did this interview.

Vanessa: hi
Jeff: question #1) what’s your age and what grade are you in?
Vanessa: I am 12 and I am in 7th grade
Jeff: #2) Does your school teach you about HIV/Aids?
Vanessa: well we haven’t had any formal training no
Jeff: Do you think they should teach you about it?
Vanessa: of course it is something that can effect anyone
Vanessa: and as long as people aren’t educated about it then it will continue to be a almost completely preventable disease
Jeff: ok, #3, have you ever learned about the Black Panther Party or the American Indian Movement in history class?
Vanessa: no but I did learn a little by watching forest gump
Jeff: cool, #4 has a teacher ever taught you about domestic violence?
Vanessa: no we have learned a little about it from this program called G.R.E.A.T
Jeff: what was great about?
Vanessa: it was a program that stood for gang resistance education and training
Vanessa: it thought us different ways to react in situations
Jeff: oh, #5, has any of your teachers ever taught you about the women’s movement? Vanessa: no I believe we are going to learn about that next year
Jeff: good, #6, what do you do with your free time?
Vanessa: well I do tae kwon do and I like volleyball and basketball and I love listening to music and I guess I travel with my grandmother and well talk to you
Vanessa: use the Internet
Vanessa: talk on the phone
Vanessa: and well if I have time rest
Jeff: all right, #8, What do you think about animal testing?
Vanessa: I am really against it I have written letters to companies and stopped using products that use animal testing because I think they should find some other way to test products with out hurting defenseless animals because who says that we are any higher up then them and
Vanessa: I mean what if we are one of those little rats or bunnies in our next life time
Jeff: Are you against testing on the people who own the companies?
Vanessa: I think that they might deserve to be tortured just to see how it feels
Jeff: cool, #9, should kids get to vote?
Vanessa: I think that kids should have the right to vote if they can show they have the knowledge on the issues in fact I think part of school should be learning about politics and what has gone wrong in the past and how to improve the system so that the future generations will have a better government and the scandals and evilness we associate with politicians will no longer be
Jeff: do you think that adults should have to prove they have knowledge of an issue before they can vote also?
Vanessa: of course
Vanessa: I think that an uneducated adult shouldn’t be more privileged then a child just because they are older we are citizen of this country just as much as they are
Vanessa: hey on the side my mom thinks that grace looks like me
Jeff: (her hair is turning reddish)
Jeff: #10, should kids get to run for office?
Vanessa: I don’t think that we should have a child for president but definitely in some offices
Jeff: cool, #11, whose face do you think should be on the 1$ bill?
Vanessa: Billy Joe’s
Jeff: right on, #12 have you ever had a teacher at school talk about gay/lesbian/bisexual people?
Vanessa: nope
Jeff: do you think they should talk about stuff like that?
Vanessa: I don’t know why it might come up later in sex Ed though
Jeff: ok, #12, has a teacher ever talked about medical marijuana?
Vanessa: no Vanessa: I personally think it has its ups and downs though
Vanessa: for example it could damage your brain but if you have a thing like aids it could make you live longer because it makes you hungry
Jeff: that’s right Vanessa: I think if you aren’t gonna live to long anyways then it is a good way to add a little while on to your life
Jeff: yep Jeff: ok, #13, do you believe that people have really been on the moon?
Vanessa: well yea
Jeff: #14, who do you think should be fired?
Vanessa: fired from what?
Jeff: a job
Vanessa: just in general?
Jeff: yes
Vanessa: hmmm this is a tough question
Vanessa: well
Jeff: we’ll get back to that one, #15 are there any redwood trees in Redwood City?
Vanessa: hehe yea
Jeff: ok, #16, if you won the lottery what would you buy?
Vanessa: I would buy a house and a car I suppose and some furniture and save about some and then I would give the rest to a charity most likely a charity to help the homeless and starving people
Vanessa: I wouldn’t be like bill gates and keep it all
Jeff: glad to hear it. #17, how do computers influence your life?
Vanessa: well they make my life easier Vanessa: in ways
Vanessa: they are fun to use to talk online and stuff
Jeff: 0k, #18, how does Tie Kwan Do influence your life?
Vanessa: ok it is tae kwon do most people cant even come to close so don’t feel bad
Jeff: I tried
Vanessa: well first it gives me lots of self esteem and it helps me realize if I push my self to above my limit I don’t really have a limit and I can do anything
Jeff: could you beat up most of the boys in your grade?
Vanessa: oh yea not most all of them
Jeff: do you know anybody who has AIDS?
Vanessa: well (blank)
Jeff: is (blank) a friend of yours?
Vanessa: I don’t really know her all that well but I have met her
Vanessa: she is (blank) friend (blank) lil sister
Jeff: oh yeah. back to that one question, who do you think should be fired?
Vanessa: I have also volunteered in a homeless shelter
Vanessa: hmm
Jeff: where did you do that?
Vanessa: it was in Berkeley
Vanessa: it was a homeless shelter for people with aids
Jeff: oh, did you learn anything there?
Vanessa: it was rather depressing
Jeff: I bet. so……. who should be fired?
Vanessa: because I thought there seemed so smart and nice and to think they would die it was just depressing
Jeff: yeah
Jeff: what do you think about god and churches and stuff like that?
Vanessa: I think there might be a god but I think it is silly how people worship him church is like a cult
Jeff: do you think Bill Clinton bombed Afghanistan and Sudan just to make the scandal go away?
Vanessa: he bombed them?
Jeff: yes he did a couple of weeks ago
Vanessa: I don’t think that under normal conditions he would have done anything like that
Jeff: do you think he should be fired?
Vanessa: because of the scandal? or the bombings?
Jeff: either Vanessa: well maybe for the bombings but not for the whole Monica thing that is between him and his wife-
Jeff: do you think god is a “him”?
Vanessa: I don’t think god is a being
Vanessa: that is if there is one

A Little Info I Learned While Working With Needle Users, Prostitutes and Runaways (or, how to avoid death and having your genitals fall off).


1. Hepatitis A
How it is spread – Fecal to Oral. For example, someone uses bathroom and doesn’t wash his/her hands, then serves you food. The germ would travel from that persons feces to their hands to your food or plate to your mouth. OR Any sexual contact between mouth and anus or finger/penis/sex toy to anus and then to mouth. It can also be spread by contaminated water.
Symptoms – Fatigue, Light Stool, Dark Urine, jaundice, Mild Fever, Cigarettes taste bad. Symptoms last short time (4-6 weeks). There may be no symptoms.
Treatment – The Vaccine (Gamma Globulin) should be taken within 72 hours of exposure. Hepatitis A almost never turns into long term chronic sickness.
Prevention – Get vaccinated if you regularly engage in at risk behavior. Always wash hands after having a bowel movement, contact with feces, changing diapers or contact with changing tables. If you engage in any sexual activity that includes mouth to anus contact, please use a dental dam or Saran wrap. If you engage in any activity that involves anal penetration (fingers, penis, dildo, toes, etc.) please put a condom on the object and remove the condom from the object before any oral contact with the object.

2. Hepatitis B
How it is spread. – Blood to Blood. Such as sharing unbleached needles. Sharing toothbrushes or razors. Contact between an open cut and some other persons blood. Also blood transfusions before 1972 are a possible risk of transmission. Contact with Bodily Fluids. Sexual or non-sexual contact with the blood, semen, vaginal secretions, urine, saliva or mucous of an infected person can infect you. Being bitten by an infected person can infect you. Infected Equipment to Blood. Such as shared needles, unclean tattooing and piercing equipment. Mother to Child. Transmission can occur at the time of birth.
Symptoms – Fatigue, Light Stool, Dark Urine, Jaundice, Fever, Mild Flu like Symptoms. There may be no symptoms. Can cause liver cell damage, sometimes leading to cirrhosis and liver cancer and even death.
Treatment – Interferon injections are effective in up to half of those treated.
Prevention – Get vaccinated if you regularly engage in at risk behavior. If you have already tested positive for Hepatitis B antibodies you are naturally protected from getting it again. Try to avoid sharing needles. If you have to share, please clean all your needles and works in between uses. Practice safe sexual practices. Don’t share toothbrushes or razors. Avoid being bitten by another person. When getting tattooed or pierced ask about their sterilization practices and ask to see an autoclave (autoclaves sterilize metal instruments with very high temperatures).

3. Hepatitis C
A special note on Hepatitis C: Because Hepatitis C can take 20 or even 30 years for symptoms to show up, it has spread to the vast majority of needle users before we even knew it existed. We very seriously encourage anyone who has shared a needle or slept with someone who has or anyone shared snorting straws to get a test for Hepatitis C. Some researchers are estimating that as many as 90-95% of past and present IV drug users are positive for Hepatitis C. This disease can be eating away your liver before you even have noticeable symptoms. The sooner you find out you have it the longer you have and the more options exist to potentially beat this disease.
How it is spread – Blood to Blood. Such as blood transfusion before 1990. Sharing needles with an infected person (infected people may show no symptoms). Receiving a tattoo or piercing from non-sterilized equipment. Sharing razors or toothbrushes. Also sharing the straws used to snort drugs can pass Hepatitis C from one person to another. Sexual Contact. Hepatitis C can be transmitted by sexual contact. It is not as likely as Hep B, but because there is no cure, avoiding transmission is very important. Mother to Baby. Hepatitis C can be passed from a mother to a newborn at birth, although this is fairly rare.
Symptoms – Fatigue, Light Stool, Dark Urine, Jaundice, Fever, Mild flu like symptoms. Can cause cirrhosis, liver cancer, liver failure and death. In some cases people infected with Hepatitis C show no symptoms for 20 years or more even though liver damage is happening. This is why it is important to get tested for Hepatitis C if you have ever shared needles or had sex with someone who has.
Treatment – There is currently no cure or vaccine for hepatitis C, however, Interferon injections are effective in reducing the amount of the virus in a person in about 15% of those treated.
Prevention – Don’t share needles and works. If you have to, clean needles and let the bleach sit in the needle for 2 minutes. Practice safe sex. Don’t share razors or toothbrushes. If you have had a blood transfusion before 1990 get tested. If you get tattooed or pierced make sure they use sterile equipment and ask to see an autoclave.

4. HIV
How it is spread – Blood to Blood. Such as Sharing needles. Theoretically could include sharing straws used to snort drugs. Sexual Contact. Any kind of unprotected sexual contact that connects blood or semen or a sore or a cut together, including oral, vaginal and anal sex. Symptoms – General breakdown of the immune systems ability to deal with common diseases and infections. Constant reoccurring infections or diseases.
Treatment – There is currently no cure or vaccine. There are an array of drugs and combinations of drugs that don’t eliminate the virus altogether but reduce it’s numbers and ability to suppress the immune system.
Prevention – Practice safe sex. Use condoms, gloves and dental dams. When you shoot drugs, try to use your own needles, water, cotton, water container, cooker and spoon. If you have to share works with somebody, clean them before and after you use them.


1. Cotton Fever
How it is spread. Cotton Fever happens when you shoot dope and a little piece of the cotton or cigarette filter (with bacteria on it) gets into your blood.
Symptoms – Fever, chills, flu-like symptoms, feels terrible. Similar to being dope sick.
Treatment – Go to a doctor, clinic or emergency room and get antibiotics.
Prevention – Use clean cotton every time you inject. Do not reuse cottons. Regularly clean your needles, cookers and spoons even if you don’t share them. Don’t use polyester cotton or cigarette filters. Also once you have used a piece of cotton throw it away in a place (like a toilet) where others won’t be tempted to try and get a hit out of it.

2. Wound Botulism
How it is spread. Wound Botulism is very rare but very serious. It is usually acquired from muscle shooting (skin or muscle popping) contaminated Mexican tar heroin.
Symptoms – It affects nerves. First, drooping eyelids, blurred or double vision, dry sore throat. Then shortness of breath, slurred speech, paralysis, loss of muscle control.
Treatment – Go to hospital IMMEDIATELY and tell them you suspect you have wound botulism. The longer you wait the greater your chances of death or permanent disability.
Prevention – Avoid muscle or skin popping Mexican tar heroin. Avoid licking your needle before injecting.

3. Endocarditis
How it is spread. You get Endocarditis from picking up a bacteria when injecting.
Symptoms – Fever, Tiredness, Lousy Feeling, Headaches, Night-Sweats and chest pains. Treatment – If you have these symptoms and they don’t go away go to a doctor hospital or clinic right away. They can test your blood for Endocarditis and if you have it you need to receive intravenous antibiotics.
Prevention – Don’t reuse even your own needles. Clean your skin on the injection site before and after injection with soap and water, and with alcohol pads. Use clean water, cotton and cookers.

4. Abscesses
How it is spread – Abscesses happen when bacteria from your needle, drugs, works or skin get inside you when you skin or muscle pop, or miss a vein.
Symptoms – Abscesses normally start out as hard reddish lump at or near the injection site. It might feel warm and it might hurt. Later skin around the lump will get pink and puffy. Also it might develop red streaks spreading out from the abscess.
Treatment – If the lump is only a few days old and if there is NO red streaks,NO fever and NO tiredness, then try soaking the abscess in hot salty water (or hot washcloth). Soak the abscess at least 3-4 times a day, 10-15 minutes each time. If the lump hasn’t improved within 5 days, or if you see red streaks, or if the area around the lump is pink and puffy or hot, or if you feel tired or have chest pains then go to doctor, clinic or hospital immediately. NEVER SHOOT IN OR NEAR AN ABSCESS. NEVER SQUEEZE OR CUT INTO AN ABSCESS.
Prevention – Try to use a new needle every time time you inject. Always use clean cookers, water and cotton. Wash your hands and injection site with soap and water before shooting. Wipe the injection site with alcohol wipes before and after you shoot. Don’t skin pop or shoot into a muscle. Don’t shoot where two veins come merge. When you shoot, take your time and find a good vein.

5. Flesh Eating Bacteria
How it is spread – It is spread by infected needles, dope or cookers.
Symptoms – It starts like an abscess but it grows very quickly, within hours. It feels hot and puffy and red, and it shows red streaks and is painful. This can take large portions of flesh, a limb or even your life it is not treated immediately.
Treatment – If you suspect you have the flesh eating bacteria go to a hospital immediately. Do not try to treat it yourself.
Prevention – Don’t share needles, water, cotton, cookers, spoons, etc. Sharing Needles 3x water 3x bleach(let it sit 1 minute) 3x water If you have to share a needle with somebody please take the following steps.
1. Suck water into the needle, all the way up to the top. Squirt the water out. (Repeat 2 more times)
4. Suck bleach into the needle, all the way up to the top. Let it sit for 3 minutes. Squirt it out. (Repeat 2x)
1. Suck water into the needle, all the way up to the top. Squirt the water out. (Repeat 2 more times) Please never share water, spoons, cookers or cotton.

Sexually Transmitted Diseases

You can have any of these diseases and not have any symptoms. If you suspect you have been infected by somebody, get tested. If you show up positive, please tell who ever you have slept with since you got infected.

How it is spread – Sexual Contact. Chlamydia is spread by having vaginal, anal or oral sex with someone infected with Chlamydia.
Symptoms – Women. Bleeding between periods. Vaginal discharge. Burning when you pee. Pain in abdomen. Transmission from mother to child is possible during childbirth. Men. Watery, white or yellow drip from penis. Burning when you pee. If Chlamydia goes untreated it could cause Pelvic Inflammatory Disease, reproductive organ damage and even sterility.
Treatment – Go to a doctor, clinic or hospital and get antibiotics.
Prevention – Practice Safe Sex.

Genital Warts
How it is spread – Sexual contact. Genital Warts are spread by vaginal, anal or oral sex with a person infected by Genital Warts.
Symptoms – Small bumpy warts on sex organs and anus. Itching and burning around the sex organs. After the warts go away, the virus stays in the body and the warts may come back. There is no cure for Genital Warts.
Treatment – Individual warts can be burned off with a laser or frozen off by a doctor or at a clinic.
Prevention – Practice Safe Sex.

How it is spread – Sexual Contact. Gonorrhea is spread by vaginal, anal or oral sex with a person infected by Gonorrhea.
Symptoms – Women. Thick white or yellow discharge from vagina. Burning or pain during urination or bowel movements. Abnormal periods or bleeding between periods. Cramps or pain in the lower abdomen. Men. Thick yellow or white drip from the penis. Burning or pain during urination or bowel movements. Increase in urination. If untreated for too long it can cause heart trouble, skin disease, arthritis and blindness.
Treatment – Go to a doctor, hospital or clinic and get antibiotics.
Prevention – Practice Safe Sex.

How it is spread – Sexual Contact. Herpes is spread by vaginal, anal or oral sex with a person infected with Herpes.
Symptoms – Flu-like feelings. Small, painful blisters on the sex organs or mouth. Itching or burning before the blisters appear. There is no cure for herpes, even when the blisters go away they may come back at any time. Herpes can be transmitted from a mother to a newborn at the time of birth.
Treatment – Go to a doctor, clinic or hospital and get antibiotics
Prevention – Practice Safe Sex.

How it is spread – Sexual Contact. Syphilis is spread by having vaginal, anal or oral sex with a person infected with Syphilis. It can also be spread to a newborn during childbirth.
Symptoms – The symptoms come in two stages: Stage 1. Painless, reddish-brown sore or sores on mouth, sex organs, breasts or fingers. Sore(s) lasts 1-5 weeks. 2nd Stage. A rash anywhere on the body. Flu-like feelings. If left untreated too long it can cause miscarriages, heart disease, brain damage, blindness, and death.
Treatment – Go to a doctor, hospital or clinic and get antibiotics.
Prevention – Practice Safe Sex.

How it is spread – Sexual Contact. Vaginitis can be spread through vaginal, anal or oral sex.
Symptoms – Itching, burning or pain in the vagina. More discharge from the vagina than normal. Discharge smells and/or looks different. Men can get infections in the penis, prostate gland or urethra.
Treatment – Go to a doctor, clinic or hospital and get cream to treat it with.
Prevention – Practice Safe Sex.

How to use a condom
1. Use a new LATEX condom before each sex act (make sure the condom is not past the expiration date).
2. Squeeze tip of condom to remove air (Excess air could cause condom to break or could cause semen to spill out the sides of the condom). Also you may want to put some water based lubricant in the condom to increase sensitivity.
3. When penis is hard (before any sexual contact), place condom on tip and roll down all the way.
4. After coming (ejaculation) grab the base of the condom and withdrawal before the penis gets soft (to avoid leakage).
5. Avoid further sexual contact with your partner until both of you wash your sex organs and any other areas that came into contact with bodily fluids.
7. Never reuse a condom. Never use an oil based lubricant. Don’t expose condoms to sun and heat. Check the expiration date to make sure the condom is still good.

A Few Websites to Check Out

New Shit for Sale

Lucky CD/2xLP/CS $10 (+$1.25 shipping)
Lucky T-Shirt $10 (+$1.25 shipping)
Fifteen Baseball Hat $10 (+$1.25 shipping)
Well concealed cash or check/money order made out to: Ott 48 Shattuck Square #6 Berkeley CA 94704

Credits. I wrote everything.


My World 8

Welcome to My World #8. Most of this issue might be found in the Summer 1997 issue of Big Bang Zine. The two kids who put it out haven’t made up their minds yet. If they don’t run it I sure don’t blame them. I wouldn’t want to have somebody else dump all this shit on me. I wouldn’t want to have to take all the shit that would inevitably come as a result of printing this stuff. If you wish, please reprint any or all of this issue as much as possible. One more thing, you might want to ask your self, why would four women, three men and eight victims lie?

Why would I want to do this if it wasn’t true?

What do I stand to gain besides a big fucking hassle?

A Pedophile in the East Bay Punk Scene.
Hello my name is Jeff Ott. I want to relate to you some stuff that has been taking place at 924 Gilman street and the east bay lately. On October 5th ,1996 a kid came to the Gilman membership meeting and said the three weeks prior Jux, who runs Punks With Presses, had provided him with liquor to the point of him passing out. He said that when he came to consciousness Jux was raping him. This came as a shock to me. I have been using Punks With Presses to make CD covers for awhile now and I have multiple friends who work there, I had never heard anything like that about Jux. However I figured that since I don’t really hang out with people that drink or use drugs anymore I’m sort of out of the gossip loop. So anyway, the membership meeting had a really heated discussion about what to do. Eventually by the end of the Meeting we decided to elect 5 people to form a committee to investigate the charges against Jux. About 15 people volunteered. I and four others were elected. A short while later the show started and Jux showed up to refute the allegations. Those of us on the committee went down the street and had him tell us his side of the story. He basically had the same story as the kid except he said everything was consentual. He said something which was inconsistent with his own story. He said that the kid wasn’t too drunk to give consent but he also said they had to stop being sexual for a minute so the kid could throw up. From my own experience you usually throw up because you’re body can’t handle any more alcohol.

Upon returning to the club a friend pointed at another kid and told me that I should talk to him. I went down the street with the kid and asked him what his experiences with Jux were. The kid went on to tell me about a wide variety of abuses, ranging from emotional blackmail (if you don’t have sex with me you’re homophobic) to sexual harassment, to intimidation, to rape. He pointed me towards some other people who had similar stories. I talked to them at later points in time… One of those people I talked to was a woman who used to work at the presses. She told me she knew a kid who was also forced into sex. She recommended that I talk to another woman. She also said that she saw Jux inappropriately touching two young people at a backyard show just lately(December 1996).

I talked to a woman that was at the Punks With Presses warehouse on the night that the first kid said Jux tried to rape him. She said that the kid was way too drunk to even deal with issues like consent.

Then I talked to another woman who used to work at the press. She told me about four specific incidents she knew of. An eighteen year old being raped by Jux. A kid on tour being sexually assaulted. An ex-boyfriend of Jux’s claimed he was physically and emotionally abused. And a kid being invited to live at Jux’s warehouse and after the kid refused to give Jux sex, Jux kicked him out. I was also directed to talk to another person I used to hang out with. I talked to her, she said a friend of hers (14 years old) hung out with Jux for awhile, and that after the beginning he felt like he couldn’t leave. She said that Jux would lay guilt trips like “you’re homophobic if you don’t give me sex” on the kid. She also said that she had heard of Jux having to leave southern California as a result of him having big trouble with somebodies parents.

I then talked to a guy on the phone. He used to work briefly at the press. He said that Jux would use age, power and knowledge of scenesters and money/alcohol/gifts to lure kids in to him. He said that he had a friend that worked at the press for a short time until he denied Jux sex and then he was fired. He also said that Jux would use the line, “if you don’t have sex with me you’re homophobic”. He said that he also knew a kid who went to sleep in the same place as Jux and woke up to find Jux masturbating over him.

I then talked to a guy who Jux used to live with and he said he was told that a kid who was roadying for a band that Jux was traveling with woke up one night to find Jux trying to take his pants off.

I was later emailed by a person in that band who said that the roadie was perpetrated in other ways also.

Lately a kid called my house and said that he was at a party at Jux’s warehouse and was so drunk he couldn’t leave. He said that Jux came and disrobed him and had sex with him.

I started to notice a pattern.

1)Jux buys young boys booze and or gifts.

2)Boy gets way too drunk.

3)Jux says something to the effect of “if you don’t have sex with me you are homophobic”.

4)Boy is either too drunk to express “NO”. or

5)Boy says no and Jux doesn’t stop anyway.

6)Boy is asleep and has his pants removed or wakes up to find Jux masturbating over or near him.

Eventually I found out that a dear friend of mine was passed out at Jux’s warehouse, Jux tried to disrobe him and another friend of mine walked in the room and stopped Jux from perpetrating him. As a result they were both thrown out of the house.

At this point I quit the Gilman investigatory committee. I started sending email to anyone I could find asking them to boycott Punx With Presses. Almost immediately the issue was no longer the fact that Jux was raping multiple kids. All attention was placed on the fact that I dispersed information that I got while on the committee.

Was I wrong for releasing the information? I don’t really know. It’s definitely a conflict of interest on my part. I didn’t really feel like I had a choice. Jux tried to rape my friend. The other people on the committee were clearly too scared to even talk to any of the 10+ people I got information from, let alone do anything. I was starting to notice that the thing I called my community was willing to let kids get raped rather than confront one man. The consequences of the conflict of interest no longer mattered. Why the fuck should I care if a bunch cowards who call themselves revolutionaries disapprove of my actions. At least I have actions.

So I kept going, and sending out the emails until I got a message from Jux. It said he was done denying things and he wanted to talk to me. I went and met him. He wasn’t really willing to admit much but he was willing to go to the 924 Gilman Membership meeting and request to be 86’ed for a year while he was going to “get help”. In exchange I would send out new emails saying that Punx With Presses should be left alone and that the issue was resolved. Did I sell out those kids that he molested. I did. I felt like I had to get the club in a position of being able to say “we dealt with it”, so that if the police or the city ever got involved the club would be in the clear.

Since then I have found additional information. Jux molested three young people in southern California. They all reside in a mental hospital now. They are all too fucked up as a result of there abuse to talk to the authorities there. However one kids parents did contact the police and Jux found out about it. Which is why he left to live up here.

He is still hanging out with a young man who has already had to throw Jux on the ground and pin him in order to make Jux stop his behavior. I have gotten multiple emails and other forms of communication from employees at punx with presses saying that it is inappropriate to ask people to boycott punx with presses because they say Jux is not the owner and that it is a collective. Therefore I am not asking you to boycott their business. Not because I believe them. If it were really a collective then they would have the power get rid of him. Or maybe they think that Pedophilia is cool. If it is a collective all I can say is let’s see a lease that doesn’t have his name on it. Let’s see the receipts on the machinery, who owns it? Who signs the checks? Can we see some?

I guess all I’m asking you to do, is to know that, given the chance he will molest more boys.

I am also asking you to recognize that we are no different than our parents just because we have mohawks and tattoos and piercings. There is just as much rape and domestic violence in our scene as there is in our society. If you are the kind of person who actually wants to change something rather than just talk about it than please read the following.

Here are two stories from others involved with Jux and those he has perpetrated. The second was handed to me by the victim, the first was sent to me by a friend of the victim, in the second I have taken out the names and replaced them with pronouns inside of parenthesis, except Jux’s.

One Account from the Friend of a Victim.

I just wanted to tell you thank you for doing something about jux… i was on tour with (Band) this summer when the incident of sexual assault on the 15 year old kid occurred… just thought you might want to know the story… jux was always using money and gifts to try and lure people into hanging out with him… there was a time when all of (band), myself and the kid who was molested by jux would hang out with him a lot (after we met him off irc{the internet-ed.}) … there was the common pattern of him acting really nice to all of us… he would buy us stuff, try to impress us with stories of scenesters he knew, experiences he had had (almost all lies)… there always seemed to be strings attached to all of this however.. there always seemed to be the expectation that we were there to amuse him, and he would undergo severe mood swings and yell at us and stuff when we wouldn’t or couldn’t think of something fun to do. (Name), one of the guitarists had had a bad experience a few years earlier with jux, where jux was grabbing his ass and just that sort of thing.. but he somehow didn’t think a lot of it.. jux never really made any sexual passes at any of us except the kid.. there were always lots of kids hanging out at his house drinking and stuff.. when we decided we were going to tour (it was going to be (Band) and (person) as the roadie and that was supposed to be it) knowing that we didn’t really have any money or a van, he offered to let one of the band members trade him his car for jux’s van for the summer so that we could use it to tour…. it ended up however of jux using this as leverage to come along with us.. although we didn’t really want him (we had been beginning to pick up weird vibes from him, and were sort of feeling awkwardly towards him). He then insisted that the kid had to come too.. this meant jux had to bring a whole different car with him… tour started out fine.. but eventually we all started having problems with jux.. he was just being an asshole.. i wanted to ride in the van apart from him and he exploded at me.. it ended up mostly that it was just jux and (Victim) in the car by themselves most of the time.. originally i was going to leave tour early and go back with jux and the kid in the car to work at punx with presses. but i was not getting along with jux and decided i wanted to stay with the band and didn’t want to live with jux. when the kid found out that i wasn’t going to be going back with them, he was making hints that he didn’t want to ride back with jux alone.. he mostly was making up things like he was scared about jux being the only driver, and his mom would be mad and that sort of thing.. but mostly i think he was scared because jux had been coming on to him.. (jux had come on to him many times in the past as well as it turned out and told him he was in love with him, and that he was homophobic and all that classic stuff).. jux even kicked out this girl who had been living at p.w.p. when her and the kid started going out because he was jealous.. but anyway it ended up that when we were in DC, jux and the kid were supposed to leave the very next day.. jux had decided to let us take both the car and the van and he and the kid would take the train back home.. by this time jux had got really weird.. he would always speak for the kid.. like me and (Victim) are going to bed.. or me and (Victim) are going to do this.. and not even ask the kid anything.. it was getting really weird.. so we were in DC and jux said me and (victim) are going to go bus tickets.. and (victim) told him he didn’t want to go with him to get the tickets and jux got super pissed off at him and went by himself.. while he was gone (victim) came out and told me that jux had sexually assaulted him several times at night.. he said that jux had been rubbing his leg.. and that he had woke up and jux’s hand was in his pants.. and that another night jux had been trying to undo his pants.. none of us could believe it.. so the next morning while jux was asleep we drove (victim) to the bus station to catch a bus home without jux.. before he left he wrote a really good letter to jux explaining why he had left, and how fucked up he thought jux was. none of us knew how jux was going to react.. (victim) had also told us a story of how he had been shot at one night when he was standing outside of gilman.. although there is no proof, he had suspected jux in it.. i guess he and jux had had a big argument, and then it happened that night. jux had told us many times of how he had a gun.. so we thought he might get violent.. but instead when he got up in the morning he just started crying and went home by himself.. we told a lot of people about it.. but mostly people thought (victim) was making it up.. or that jux was just coming on to him and not molesting him and that we were all making a big deal out of nothing etc… so anyways I’m glad to see that others are starting to see jux for who he really is.. lemme know if you ever need any help. (the author)

Myths About Male Sexual Abuse
Myth #1 – Boys and men can’t be victims. This myth, instilled through masculine gender socialization and sometimes referred to as the “macho image,” declares that males, even young boys, are not supposed to be victims or even vulnerable. We learn very early that males should be able to protect themselves. In truth, boys are children—weaker and more vulnerable than their perpetrators—who cannot really fight back. Why? The perpetrator has greater size, strength, and knowledge. This power is exercised from a position of authority, using resources such as money or other bribes, or outright threats—whatever advantage can be taken to use a child for sexual purposes.

Myth #2 – Most sexual abuse of boys is perpetrated by homosexual males. Pedofiles who molest boys are not expressing a homosexual orientation any more than pedofiles who molest girls are practicing heterosexual behaviors. While many child molesters have gender and/or age preferences, of those who seek out boys, the vast majority are not homosexual. They are pedophiles.

Myth #3 – If a boy experiences sexual arousal or orgasm from abuse, this means he was a willing participant or enjoyed it. In reality, males can respond physically to stimulation (get an erection) even in traumatic or painful sexual situations. Therapists who work with sexual offenders know that one way a perpetrator can maintain secrecy is to label the child’s sexual response as an indication of his willingness to participate. “You liked it, you wanted it,” they’ll say. Many survivors feel guilt and shame because they experienced physical arousal while being abused. Physical (and visual or auditory) stimulation is likely to happen in a sexual situation. It does not mean that the child wanted the experience or understood what it meant at the time.

Myth #4 – Boys are less traumatized by the abuse experience than girls. While some studies have found males to be less negatively affected, more studies show that long term effects are quite damaging for either sex. Males may be more damaged by society’s refusal or reluctance to accept their victimization, and by their resultant belief that they must “tough it out” in silence.

Myth #5 – Boys abused by males are or will become homosexual. While there are different theories about how the sexual orientation develops, experts in the human sexuality field do not believe that premature sexual experiences play a significant role in late adolescent or adult sexual orientation. It is unlikely that someone can make another person a homosexual or heterosexual. Sexual orientation is a complex issue and there is no single answer or theory that explains why someone identifies himself as homosexual, heterosexual or bisexual. Whether perpetrated by older males or females, boys’ or girls’ premature sexual experiences are damaging in many ways, including confusion about one’s sexual identity and orientation. Many boys who have been abused by males erroneously believe that something about them sexually attracts males, and that this may mean they are homosexual or effeminate. Again, not true. Pedofiles who are attracted to boys will admit that the lack of body hair and adult sexual features turns them on. The pedofiles inability to develop and maintain a healthy adult sexual relationship is the problem—not the physical features of a sexually immature boy.

Myth #6 – The “Vampire Syndrome”—that is, boys who are sexually abused, like the victims of Count Dracula, go on to “bite” or sexually abuse others. This myth is especially dangerous because it can create a terrible stigma for the child, that he is destined to become an offender. Boys might be treated as potential perpetrators rather than victims who need help. While it is true that most perpetrators have histories of sexual abuse, it is NOT true that most victims go on to become perpetrators. Research by Jane Gilgun, Judith Becker and John Hunter found a primary difference between perpetrators who were sexually abused and sexually abused males who never perpetrated: non perpetrators told about the abuse, and were believed and supported by significant people in their lives. Again, the majority of victims do not go on to become adolescent or adult perpetrators; and those who do perpetrate in adolescence usually don’t perpetrate as adults if they get help when they are young.

Believing these myths is dangerous and damaging.

* So long as society believes these myths, and teaches them to children from their earliest years, sexually abused males will be unlikely to get the recognition and help they need.

* So long as society believes these myths, sexually abused males will be more likely join the minority of survivors who perpetuate this suffering by abusing others.

* So long as boys or men who have been sexually abused believe these myths, they will feel ashamed and angry.

* And so long as sexually abused males believe these myths they reinforce the power of another devastating myth that all abused children struggle with: that it was their fault. It is never the fault of the child in a sexual situation—though perpetrators can be quite skilled at getting their victims to believe these myths and take on responsibility that is always and only their own.

Some Rape Info.


For purposes of this discussion, we will use the terms sexual assault and rape interchangeably. Sexual assault may actually differ from state to state. Generally, it is considered sexual assault if a sexual act is done against a person’s will. Some states require genital penetration to take place. Others do not recognize, for example, male on male rape to be classified as rape; it is considered criminal deviant conduct.

As a general rule, sexual assault is generally considered rape if it is coerced or forced sexual intercourse. It is a crime of violence that is acted out sexually. Rape is not about sexual gratification; it is about power and control. The rapist seeks to dominate, control, degrade or humiliate his victim, many times with threats of force, coercion, violence or intimidation. Many rape victims feel that they are powerless to stop the assault and will comply or submit in hopes of “just saving their life”, which they consider threatened.

Rape is a very under-reported crime with generally only one in ten rapes being reported. This is a highly personal decision that is clouded by feelings of shame, guilt, anger, hate, fear, malice and low self esteem. Often the lack of confidence in the legal system is a deterrent to reporting a rape. Even the trauma of a rape trial is weighted heavily as a stumbling block to pressing charges against a rapist. The feeling of “I just want this over” may persuade a woman not to pursue action even if she knows the victim. The problem is that “it just doesn’t go away”. Women usually experience Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or Rape Trauma Syndrome as a result of the assault. Recovery can take anywhere from a few months to several years.

In his book, Rape Awareness and Prevention for Women, Robert Ferguson expounds on several myths and facts surrounding rape. The following is an excerpt from that book.

MYTH: Women “ASK FOR IT” or “PROVOKE IT’ by their dress and behavior.

REALITY: Most rapes are planned. “Provocative behavior” is usually set by male standards (in Victorian times, an ankle was considered provocative). Is my dress or behavior justification for an assault on another? Are you asking to be robbed because you have money in your pocket? The underlying idea in this myth is that women are “asking for it” just because they are women.

MYTH: Women secretly want to be raped.

REALITY: No one wants to be hurt, brutalized or humiliate. We often receive conflicting messages about this from TV and movies. They depict scenes where a handsome man breaks into the woman’s bedroom, the woman says, “No, I don’t want to do this,” and then the scene ends. When it resumes after the commercial break, the rapist and the victim have fallen in love. Many of us may fantasize about giving in to a more powerful partner, but we are in control of those fantasies. There is a huge difference between fantasy and the reality of a violent sexual assault.

MYTH: A healthy young woman can fight off or outrun any rapist.

REALITY: The average male has more muscle mass than the average woman. His strength is intimidating and sends a strong message that struggle would be useless or even dangerous. Fear can be paralyzing to many women. Ninety percent (90%) of all victims fear being killed when they are assaulted.

MYTH: Most people are raped by a stranger in dark alleys or other isolated spots.

REALITY: Sixty to eighty percent (60-80%) of all rapes occur in a home by an assailant known to the victim: a friend, a neighbor, a relative, or an acquaintance. Sixty percent (60%) of the time, the rapist is a date.

MYTH: It could never happen to me.

REALITY: Victims of sexual assault include elderly women, children of both sexes, males and even babies. It is estimated that 1 out of 3 women and 1 out of 4 to 6 men under the age of 18 will be sexually assaulted. One of every five victims is under the age of twelve.

MYTH: Sexual assaults are crimes of impulse.

REALITY: From child molest to sadistic rape, offenders plan their crimes in secrecy, perform them in secrecy, and make plans for keeping the secret private.

MYTH: Men who sexually assault are either crazy or sexually starved.

REALITY: Perpetrators themselves have said they want to control, degrade and feel powerful. Some do not ejaculate. The underlying feelings are anger and hostility– not sexual arousal. Perpetrators are usually ordinary people. Many are married or in continuous relationships with a partner. They often have histories of abuse or sexual assault in their own backgrounds, and they act out their own anger and pain with violence and assault

MYTH: Guns or knives are usually used in sexual assaults.

REALITY: Perpetrators are much more likely to use tricks, threats, physical force or drugs and alcohol rather than weapons. REMEMBER: Most people are sexually assaulted by someone they know and these are people who usually use just enough force to get what they want.

MYTH: Women often accuse innocent men of sexual assault.

REALITY: Statistics show that there are no more false reports of sexual assault than there are for any other crime. According to the FBI, two percent of all crimes reported are false reports. This myth probably arose out of the court process; in 50-60% of rape cases that go to trial, the defense attorney uses content as the defense.

MYTH: There is no way to protect against sexual assault.

REALITY: There are ways to reduce the risk of an assault and to increase awareness, sensitivity, and safety. For example, there are self-defense classes which help women to be alert, fend off an attack, and aid others in crisis.

Three elements must be present for a rape to succeed:

1. Privacy
2. Opportunity
3. Vulnerability

Each of these are somewhat self explanatory but do represent fundamental safety issues. The lack of privacy denies opportunity. Self confidence, education, awareness and training reduces vulnerability. Remember these concepts with the acronym POV, just like “point of view” of which everyone has one.

The National Crime Victimization Survey (NCVS) is the single most comprehensive source for information on the experience and consequences of violent crimes against women. This report, based upon a nationally representative sample survey of women and entailing about 4000,000 individual interviews, provides us with many important insights about violence suffered by women:

· more than 2 1/2 million women experience violence annually;

· women are about equally likely to experience violence perpetrated by a relative or intimate, an acquaintance, or a stranger;

· nearly 2 in 3 female victims of violence were related to or knew their attacker;

· about 1 in 4 attacks on females involved the use of a weapon by the offender,

· about 1 in 3 of these involved a firearm;

· about 3 out of 4 female victims of violence resisted the actions of the offender either physically or verbally;

· about a third of female victims of violence were injured as a result of the crime;

· about half the women victimized by violence reported the crime to the police, and among those who didn’t, about 6 in I 0 said that they considered the matter a private or personal one or that they felt the offense was minor; and, nearly half the victims of rape perceived the offender to have been under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol at the time of the offense.

Domestic violence is a vicious circle that encompasses power and dominance in a relationship. Women often are made to feel as though battering is their fault. The most volatile point of a relationship comes when the woman seeks to terminate the relationship or have a permanent separation. The man often feels as though he has lost control of his “woman” or possession and the violence may escalate to the point of rape, brutal beatings, disfigurement or even murder.

One of the most degenerative side effects of domestic violence is the toll it takes on the woman’s self esteem. She often finds herself trapped in an unloving, violent relationship with no way out and a coercive fear or intimidation to continue in that relationship. Other factors come into play such as children, in laws, work situations and so forth that complicate each situation. The main underlying consideration should be the overall safety of those parties involved. In a dating situation, it would be wise to consider how that man treats the women prior to a long term commitment. Often times, women believe that “I can change him”. That is almost never the case. If the warning signs are present in the beginning, the pattern will most likely increase as the commitment level increases. Women should strongly consider whether or not this is a viable long term relationship if these factors exist.

It is suggested that if you are caught up in a relationship, whether dating or married, where there is domestic or date violence, get help. Your local crisis intervention groups can provide you support, counseling or even legal assistance if needed.

Nineteen Risk Factors That May Lead to Domestic or Date Violence
The following risk factors are only warning signs that something is wrong. However, as a general rule, a woman should be aware that if there are three signs present, abuse is a definite possibility. If there are more than five signs present, it is a probability. Over seven signs increases the possibility by a dramatic forty times!

1) Male has markedly low self-esteem.

2) Male exhibits a dramatic change in character or personality after the “courtship” stage is over (i.e., when “acting” is no longer necessary).

3) Male speaks rudely or cruelly to mother.

4) Male exhibits aggressive or rude behavior toward those with whom there is little fear of retaliation, such as children, women or the elderly.

5) Male usually blames all of his problems on circumstances or other people.

6) Male resents having to “timeshare” female with life’s normal obligations, such as job, family or children.

7) Male is easily placated when female succumbs to his demands, exhibiting a dramatic mood swings almost to the point of becoming charming. (Ironically, a normal, well-adjusted man stands his ground when he believes he’s right; whereas the abuser, once his demands are met, has had his need for control sated).

8) Male uses violence against a smaller, weaker person or a child, in situations where words would suffice.

9) Male becomes excessively agitated and hostile when other men speak to female or female speaks to other men in a non-flirtatious manner.

10) Male has attitude that he “owns” woman, that she is answerable to him and accountable for her comings and goings.

11) Male exhibits marked pattern of immaturity, such as temper tantrums and “schoolyard bully” threats.

12) Male exhibits an overall attitude of intolerance, such as rigid attitudes, racism, sexism, unwillingness to engage in healthy debate or entertain differing opinions, etc.

13) Male continually promises not to engage in similar behavior pattern, then violates this promise repeatedly.

14) Male continually puts his “wants” or desires before female’s “needs” and necessities.

15) Male is between 18 and 30 years of age.

16) Male uses severe or excessive attitude in dealing with children.

17) Male is unemployed or in profession known for “machoism.”

18) Male displays other aspects of inferior character, such as lying about innocuous things.

19) Male was the victim of physical abuse during childhood (unfortunately, often the abused becomes an abuser).

Sexual harassment is sometimes an obscure, nebulous concept that has become a very real issue in today’s work force. Basically, unwanted sexual advances, verbal or physical conduct involving sexual overtones or requests for sexual favors are considered sexual harassment. The key here is unwanted. The problem often comes into play when teasing or “off color” compliments taken as flirtation and not checked. The activity might be considered as welcomed as perceived by the man, even though it makes the woman feel very uncomfortable. The situation escalates as requests for sexual favors, innuendo, pornography, off color jokes, whistles or other forms of harassment begin.

The key to sexual harassment is stopping it dead in its tracks. Sexual harassment is against the law and most companies are sensitive to the legalities involved here. If a situation makes a women feel uncomfortable, she should immediately say “stop, this is sexual harassment” or something else to put the offenders on notice that this type of activity will not be tolerated. She should document the situation and if, appropriate, even make middle or upper management aware of a potential situation. Below is a guide to what is and is not considered to be sexual harassment, or unwelcome sexual conduct. See *3 for footnote information.

Sexual Harassment can be . . .

¥ Actions by a non-employee (i.e., a client or subcontractor) that affected an employee if her employer knew about them and did not address them.

¥ Behavior that affects employees who have not been directly harassed. Those employees may feel threatened by another’s harassment, or they may have lost raises or job assignments because the supervisor favored another employee with whom he or she had sexual relations.

¥ A single, very serious incident, though it is usually a pattern or string of incidents.

¥ Pinups, calendars, pornography, graffiti, jokes, innuendoes or other behavior that communicates that people of one gender do not belong or are expected to conform to certain images. These may constitute harassment even if they are in a personal work area.

¥ Harassment may be present even if an employee consented to sexual behavior. The employee may be able to show that she felt forced into the actions. Similarly, an employee’s past sexual behavior does not mean that she welcomes other sexual advances.

¥ Comments that men think should be taken as compliments. If those comments make women feel uncomfortable and affect their work, that could be harassment, despite the intent.

¥ Behavior that does not involve actual sexual conduct or touch. It can be verbal or implied.

Sexual Harassment is not . . .

¥ Limited to incidents in which bosses tell employees to accept sexual behavior as a condition of employment (that is quid-pro-quo harassment). It also can involve a hostile work environment a more subtle type in which an employee’s job performance is compromised because of persistent, continuous, unwelcome sexually offensive behavior directed at only one gender.

¥ Normal social interaction between the sexes, such as sincere comments about appearance or questions about weekend activities. It is not behavior that is polite, normal, pleasant, friendly or even mildly flirtatious. It is not a request for a date, as long as the person asking for the date respects the other’s wishes.

¥ All activity in a work place of a sexual nature. Flirting, innuendoes and annoying, indecent or vulgar language may be aggravating but may not always create a hostile working environment.

Stalking is a form of harassment than can easily lead to sexual assault. This is a form of intimidation, power and control and often causes severe emotional stress. Stalking will sometimes accompany the break up of a dating or marriage relationship whereby the partner is very jealous or possessive. As with sexual harassment, stalking can easily escalate into a violent assault, rape or even death. Stalking is illegal and should be reported, documented and not tolerated. It is recommended that all forms of stalking, communication, both written, verbal, telephone, letters, etc and all incidents be documented well so as to establish a credible pattern for prosecution, if necessary.

Home, auto and personal security issues become vital in resisting a stalker. If need be, the victim can secure a restraining order against the stalker, however, this still does not assure that the stalker will not violate the order.

Molestation and incest are similar in nature but differ in definition: molestation refers to sexual abuse by someone outside the child’s family; incest refers to abuse by a family member. Incest offenders can be siblings, fathers, mothers, grand parents, etc… and is even complicated with today ‘s high divorce rate where blended families are created. In some “closed communities”, incest becomes a serious and often common problem that unfortunately is not resolved easily.

Molesters can be friends, teachers, co-workers, baby sitters and so forth that usually have some knowledge of the child involved. Some form of trust may be established with the offender and the child is intimidated or coerced into “keeping their secret”.

In both cases of molestation and incest, the powerful ramifications of a child being sexually abused will last a lifetime. Child sexual abuse actually increases the risk factor for rape as a teen or adult. While children are often confused, uneducated or misinformed about sexuality, there is still a repugnant fear that something is obviously wrong with sexual abuse, regardless of how “nice” the offender was. Children should be taught what are appropriate areas to touch or see and what is best kept private.

The biggest problem is combating molestation and incest is the fear the child has that he or she won’t be believed. Children may feel that their exposing this ugly crime will (and may very well) break up their home and family. Additionally, the need for personal security, home, shelter, food and clothing may seem to be jeopardized by the child if they “tell”.

If a child tells a parent they are uncomfortable around an individual, it should be investigated as to why. Particular attention should be paid to body language, non verbal cues and ways they respond to that individual.

Men and women are different. This is no huge revelation but it is important to consider what motivates each of them. Women, as a general rule, are stimulated by touch and romance. Men are stimulated by sight. As an illustration of this, consider how much of the pornography industry is targeted toward men vs. women. Women are portrayed as perfect bodies who have a personal sexual passion for the reader. Men often will masturbate while fantasizing about a nude woman.

Women in pornography are exploited as sex toys or objects. For a man, the object of his sexual drive is not nearly as important as a woman. Generally, the woman will be more discerning with her sexuality because of her emotional tie to the recipient. Women are more emotional while men are more logical in their thought process. The pornography industry is well attuned to what motivates men and, therefore, will exploit the lustful desires of a man at the expense of women.

The following is an excerpt from the National Coalition Against Pornography. In this report, you will see a direct link to pornography and sexual molestation and rape.

Pedophiles report having molested anywhere from 30 to 60 children each before they were first arrested. The typical molester will sexually abuse up to 380 children in a lifetime. (Abel, 1986)

Experts estimate that as many as one in three girls and one in seven boys will be sexually molested before age 18.

Eighty-seven percent of molesters of girls and 77 percent of molesters of boys studied in Ontario, Canada, admitted to regular use of hard-core pornography. (Dr. William Marshall, 1983)

Pornography, especially child pornography, is used by pedofiles for three reasons:

(1) to stimulate themselves

(2) to destroy the consciences and lower the inhibitions and resistance to sexual activity in their intended child victims; and

(3) to teach the victim child what to model in the sexual encounter with the adult.

Between 1984 and 1990, more than 150 sexually oriented businesses were closed in Oklahoma City. During that period, the rape rate in Oklahoma County decreased 27 percent while rapes throughout the state increased almost 19 percent during the same period.

In many “adult” bookstores, there are video booths (referred to as peep shows) in which patrons pay to view portions of pornographic films while they masturbate or engage in anonymous sexual activities with partners in the adjoining booth.

In 1977, a Cleveland, Ohio, study showed that the rate of rape and robberies was two to seven times higher where pornography outlets were located. A 1979 Phoenix, Arizona, study revealed 500 percent more sexual offenses in neighborhoods where pornography businesses are located.

Research done in cities including Boston, Seattle, Houston, Los Angeles and New York confirm the relationship of pornography outlets to increased crime. Research conducted on 36 serial murderers revealed that 81 percent (29/36) reported pornography as one of their highest sexual interests. In a national poll of mental health professionals, 254 psychotherapists reported in their clinical practices cases in which pornography was found to be an instigator or contributor to a sex crime, personality disturbance or antisocial act. The poll found that 324 other psychotherapists and mental health professionals suspected such relationships in cases on which they’d worked. (Lipkin Carnes, 1970) For those persons predisposed to sexual crime, pornography serves as fuel for the fire. (Blanchard, Geral. “Sex Offender Treatment: A Psychoeducational Model,” 1989)

Based on U.S. Census estimates of the number of adult women in America, one out of every eight adult women, or at least 12.1 million American women, has been the victim of forcible rape in her lifetime. (National Victim Center, 1992)

With all offenders, pornography epitomizes the objectification of women and children that hastens the depersonalization process common to sexual assaultiveness.

Specifically, for those persons predisposed to sexual crime, pornography serves as fuel for the fire. (Blanchard, Geral. “Sex Offender Treatment: A Psychoeducational Model,” 1989)

Themes in hard-core pornography include rape; incest; urinating and defecating on women for sexual pleasure; bondage and domination; and sadomasochism. (Dietz and Sears, 1987)

In response to the FBI’s questions on the subject, 81 percent of serial killers surveyed said that hard-core pornography was their “highest sexual interest.”

Repeatedly, the U.S. Supreme Court has confirmed that obscenity, child pornography and materials harmful to minors are not protected by the First Amendment.

National Coalition Against Pornography, copyright 1997

Rape can be categorized into four types of rape and seven types of rapists:

Types of Rape

Date Rape-this is one of the most common types whereby someone on a date takes advantage of a relationship and forces sexual intercourse. We draw the line between seduction and coercion when the women says, in one or more ways, “stop” but the man continues his pursuit of her. The occurrence of rape on college campuses is much more common than publicized. All too often, statistics are buried because of alumni support, bad publicity, fear of epidemic or other factors. If a college said they had 50 rapes in a year, most likely there were in excess of 500! Date rape is about power and control.

Stranger Rape-this is the least common, the most glamorized and the most dangerous of all types of rape. Stranger rape is committed often as random acts of violence in an attempt to beat, torture or even murder his victim.

Social Rape- this usually occurs with a teenage girl because sexual boundaries are not clearly defined. The Social Rapist feel that she “owes it to him” or she has been a “dick teaser”, thus she owes him intercourse.

Acquaintance Rape-it is believed that over 80% of all rapes are committed by someone known to the victim. This could be the bank manager, the grocery clerk, postman, cousin, supervisor, hair stylist, etc. The name need not be known or personal contact established to be considered acquaintance rape, just merely eye contact.

Types of Rapists
Non sadistic Rapist-this is the man with low esteem who believes no woman would love him. Consequently, he believes that by forcing himself on a women, he has fulfilled his manhood and that somehow she will fall for him.

Acquaintance Rapist-when questioned, this rapist would probably admit that his victim resisted but would justify his actions by saying “she didn’t mean it”. This rapist has selected his victim and the rape is usually planned.

Opportunistic Rapist-this rapists may take the opportunity to “kill two birds with one stone” by performing, for example, a robbery or car jacking and a rape at the same time. This man is dangerous and unpredictable.

Anger Rapist-an impulsive and often career criminal, he is angry at the world and enjoys hurting or attacking women in general. He would not hesitate to mutilate or injure the victim.

Social Rapist-teen and peer pressure often place a young woman in a precarious position. The social rapist feels he must “score” in order to save face.

Power Rapist-often associated with date rape, the power rapists seeks control and dominance. Perhaps as a return of favor for his time or money, he feels he has it “coming to him”. The woman may resist the power rapist but this often fuels his fire. By dominating his victim sexually, emotionally, physically and psychologically, the power rapist has accomplished his goal.

Sadistic Rapist-this is the most dangerous of all. This man who would murder, torture or mutilate his victim receives much media attention. The media often portrays this rapist in a suspenseful plot that shows him “waiting in the bushes” for another victim who he would torture or murder.

Self concept is a major building block of character. There is a vast difference between false confidence and true self confidence. False confidence will assume that a person can handle any situation regardless of the odds stacked against them. This is both dangerous and foolish. True self confidence begins with knowing ones self. If you know your own limitations, strengths and weaknesses, you are better able to assess a situation and determine your best or optimum mode of action. You are in better control of your emotions and are able to think more clearly. Self confidence begins with small successes and continues to grow as you develop. Remember the acronym B.O.S.E. Build On Success Experiences. Each time you have a success experience, catalog the emotional high your receive and remember what you did to gain that success. Whenever you see failure (and, yes you will from time to time) glean what you can from the experience and go on. Don’t well on the negative but only the positive.

Here’s some ways you can build your confidence level:

1. Be firm in your decision making

2. Don’t compare yourself physically to the pin up girls that are exploited by the pornography industry.


4. Learn to accept compliments without apology.

5. Manage your time and priorities.

6. Set your standards and know your limitations.

7. Learn to speak confidently with body language (this includes eye contact, walking gait, posture…)

Many personal protection products are available on the market today. Guns, knives, pepper sprays, stun guns, batons, tasers and so forth are big business for many retailers. With approximately 80% of all rapists known to the victim, would it not make sense to prepare yourself for an assailant that is known to you? For example, your boss and you have worked together for 4 years and are together on a business trip. Would you hit with him with pepper spray in hand in the event he might assault you? Probably not. Similarly, a date is often a time to, hopefully, make a good impression. It would be considered inappropriate to hold your date at bay with a knife or gun… just in case.

With this point well made, turn your attention to the weapons a woman always would always have with her: her body and mind. First off, the most important weapon that anyone will EVER have is their brain. There is no weapon that will ever have the reasoning ability or judgment factor that ones brain has. The body has a number of very effective weapons available at its disposal. However, several considerations or assumptions have to be made here:

1. men are generally stronger than women

2. rapists are looking for a victim and may plan on a fight

3. some rapists will enjoy resistance and are prepared to control you

4. the rapists has had time to plan his attack

With this in mind, the woman must put into perspective her assailant. Unless she is skilled in martial arts, her chances of delivering a decisive blow to the chest are somewhat limited. Consider that every man is vulnerable in the eyes, groin, shins, throat and nose. This doesn’t matter if he is a 85lb teenager or a 300lb linebacker; he is still vulnerable and hurts if attacked in those areas.

While filming a national television show, this writer was once asked “what do you do if you’ve said ‘stop’ and he keeps on insisting”. My response was that it is ok to fight back. While the idea of fighting, kicking, biting, scraping and using anything available may seem awkward or uncomfortable for most women, surveys show that most women feel that fighting back was beneficial to them. Using anything and everything available in her defense will increase her chances of getting away. A single strike may not stop the assailant. A groin kick, while painful to all men, is not always an assured way to stop the rapist. Consider this, the eye is the most sensitive part of the body. To prove this, a glaucoma test forces a small puff of air against the eye. The person reacts to that. The eye is extremely sensitive and a good target choice. Fighting back, very possibly, may escalate a situation. This is something that must be prepared for. Learning to breathe will help a woman keep her head and awareness about her and look for alternatives to fight back or escape. There is no cook book method of teaching what to do. Each situation is different and must be handled on a case by case basis. Regardless of the situation, fighting back is a decision that is highly personal. The woman must make that all critical decision to continue to fight and resist or submit to the assailant. This is a decision that ONLY she can make.

The term “proactive” implies that one takes action before it becomes necessary for reaction. For example, when one considers an automobile, it would be ludicrous to plan on purchasing insurance as soon as a person has a wreck. Much the same way should people approach rape awareness and prevention. By taking proactive steps to being prepared, women will REDUCE their chances of being successfully assaulted. The proactive posture in training and education prepares a person long before the confrontation takes place. There is nothing that can completely prepare a women against an assault. However, by training proactively, she can perhaps avoid some hidden pitfalls or traps that might await her.

Below are national crisis hot lines. You can find similar hot lines in your local yellow pages, usually listed under “crisis intervention” or something similar. Most larger cities and even college campuses have rape crisis centers.

Abuse and Assault 800-962-2873
Assoc. for Children for Enforcement of Support 800-537-7072
AIDS All Prevention 800-322-8911
AIDS/HIV 800-342-2437
Ask a Nurse 800-535-1111
Missing Children Help Center 800-USA-KIDS
National Center for Missing & Exploited Children 800-843-5678
National Child Safety Council 800-327-5107
National Coalition Against Sexual Assault 717-232-7460
Child Abuse Hot line 800-4-A-CHILD
Child Abuse Prevention-Kids Peace 800-257-3223
National Organization for Victim Assistance 202-232-6682
Child Abuse Registry 800-962-2873
National Victim Center 703-276-2880
Child Find of America 800-I-AM-LOST
Vanished Children’s Alliance 800-826-4743
Child Find Mediation 800-A-WAY-OUT

Unfortunately, only one of ten rapes are ever reported (as best as can be determined). If you are raped, there are several things to remember:

1) Call the police, a friend, family member or rape crisis center immediately. Even if it has been several hours or days, please call! There are people waiting to help you. You are not alone.

2) Don’t shower, clean up or douche. Yes, the thought is extremely unpleasant, but the silent witness of DNA may be what convicts your rapist!

3) Don’t disturb the crime scene, change clothes, change the sheets or anything to disturb evidence.

4) Try to remember everything about the rapist: remember his height by reference to a door post or some reference point. Look for hair and eye color, scars, tattoos, physical defects. How did he walk? Was his voice gruff or soft? What about his teeth or eyes?

5) Remember the situation: You must be able to describe the force used and that resistance was demonstrated. Was there a weapon? How did he abduct you or break in? Did you resist and how did you communicate that to him? Was there a physical struggle?

6) Get help! You are not alone. There are victim assistance and support groups that are ready, able and willing to help you. You should not be ashamed. Seek help, talk about it and make constructive steps back to a normal life.

7) Be a good witness. At the onset, be honest with the investigating officers. Your credibility as a witness on the stand will be enhanced if you are totally honest from the beginning. Don’t fabricate, lie, exaggerate or otherwise distort the truth about what happened.

So, what do you do. The main concept we want to communicate is to heighten your awareness factor and get you to take action. The value of being proactive cannot be understated here.

In summary,

1. in a dating relationship, examine your own feelings about sex, set your limits and draw your line.

2. look for warning signs that might tip you off to an abusive relationship.

3. remember P.O.V.

4. learn to build your self confidence (B.O.S.E.)

5. consider taking up a martial arts class or rape awareness and prevention course.

6. be careful as to letting yourself get into compromising situations

7. know what resources are available to you

8. it’s ok to fight back

9. attack only vulnerable parts of your assailant

10. remember to survive

11. your most important weapon is your brain

12. keep breathing

13. consider investing in personal protection products and resource information

You have been exposed to an array of information that should have heightened your awareness and empowered you with self preservation techniques and confidence. The most important thing to remember is this: Our job is NOT to tell you what to do in a particular confrontation. Each situation is different. You have been provided a set of tools. It is up to you to use those tools as you see fit. Never forget: YOUR MAIN GOAL IS TO SURVIVE. A situation may be handled from a simple confrontation using a command to STOP or NO… to a imminent rape to where you have to make the ultimate decision: continue to fight and resist or submit. That decision can ONLY be made by you and you alone.

“Friends” Raping Friends–Could It Happen to You?

When you hear the word “rape,” what do you think of? If you imagine a stranger jumping out of the bushes on a dark night and attacking someone, you are only partly right–because most rapes are not committed by strangers but by men who know their victims, who often have gone out with them previously and are supposedly their friends. This phenomenon is called “acquaintance” or “date” rape.

Acquaintance rape is forced, unwanted intercourse with a person you know. It is a violation of your body and your trust. It is an act of violence. It can be with someone you have just met, or dated a few times, or even with someone to whom you are engaged. The force involved can come from threats or tone of voice, as well as from physical force or weapons. Experts estimate that as many as 90 percent of all rapes are never reported; in those that are reported, about 60% of the victims know their assailants.(In one study by the National Center for the Prevention and Control of Rape, 92% of adolescent rape victims said they were acquainted with their attackers. Reported in Newsweek, April 9, 1984) Of these, women 15 to 25 years old are the majority of victims.(McDermott, Joan, Rape Victimization in 26 American Cities, 1979. Washington, DC: U.S. Dept. of Justice as cited in Pauline B. Bart and Patricia H. O’Brien, Stopping Rape, Pergamon Press, NY, 1985, p. 131)

In 1985, Mary Koss, a professor at Kent State University, surveyed approximately 7,000 students on thirty-two campuses on behalf of Ms. magazine and found that one in eight women were the victims of rape. One in every twelve men admitted to having forced a woman to have intercourse or tried to force a woman to have intercourse through physical force or coercion; that is, admitted to raping or attempting to rape a woman. Virtually none of these men, however, identified themselves as rapists. Similarly, only 57% of the women who had been raped labeled their experience as rape; the other 43% had not even acknowledged to themselves that they had been raped.(As cited in Ellen Sweet, “Date Rape. The Story of an Epidemic and Those Who Deny It,” Ms., October 1985, p. 56)

Date rape occurs on virtually all campuses, small or large, private or public, rural or urban. Unfortunately, it cannot always be prevented. The more you know about it, however, the more likely it is that you can avoid being put in a situation where it could occur. You can learn the early warning signs and how to react to them. The majority of men are not rapists but some are. In this booklet we hope to show you what to watch out for, why it occurs, and what to do should it happen to you or a friend. Thinking and talking about acquaintance rape and what you might do if you find yourself in a bad situation can increase your chances of avoiding rape.

Because the overwhelming majority of rapes are committed by men, we will refer throughout this booklet to the rapist as “he” and the victim as “she.” We will use “acquaintance rape” and “date rape” interchangeably.

How Does Date Rape Usually Occur?
Date rapes typically occur when a woman is alone with a man. If you go to a man’s room or apartment or even get into his car alone, you are vulnerable. Date rapes can occur when others are relatively close by; for example, they can take place in an upstairs bedroom while fifty people are attending a party on the first floor.

Alcohol and drugs are sometimes a significant factor in date rape. Many victims say later that they drank too much or took too many drugs to realize what was going on; by the time they realized their predicament, it was too late. Sometimes a woman passes out and awakens to find a man having sex with her. On the other hand, some date rapes occur when alcohol is not involved or when the victim has had little or nothing to drink but the man has been drinking and becomes sexually aggressive. Mixed signals are another element in date rape. The woman acts in a friendly manner; the man interprets this friendliness as an invitation to have sex. “No” is heard as “maybe” and even a strong protest can be ignored under the delusion that women say “no” when they mean “yes.” Some men find it sexually exciting to have a woman struggle. If the woman protests only mildly, the man may think he is merely “persuading” her, not forcing her to have sex (He may think the same, however, even if she protests vigorously.) Sometimes a woman is not clear in her own mind about what she wants or she may think she will make up her mind as she goes along. If she changes her mind at some point and decides not to have sex, the man can feel cheated, rejected, and angry. He may be interpreting her nonverbal messages, such as her enjoyment of kissing and caressing, as meaning that she wants to have sex with him. At this point he may decide he has been teased or misled and “deserves” to get some satisfaction, regardless of the woman’s wishes. The result can be rape.

Although acquaintance rape is often a spontaneous act, many are planned, some days in advance, others in the preceding hour(s). Sometimes men plan to have sex with a woman even if they have to force the issue. These men have typically forced sex before and gotten away with it. They usually look for victims who are unassertive–perhaps someone who is not very popular an would be flattered to go on a date with him. Needless to say, these men do not see themselves as repeat rapists; they are merely “out to have a good time.”

What Are the Causes of Date Rape?
There is no one direct cause of date rape. Although there are usually three key elements involved, socialization, miscommunication, and/or changing sexual mores, one major reason for date rape is a lack of consideration for a woman’s rights and wishes. In a general sense, traditional male and female roles in society are part of the problem. Men are taught at a very early age to be aggressors; they participate in aggressive team sports, are encouraged to be competitive, not to give up, to keep on trying. They are encouraged to have strong sexual feelings and to experiment with their sexual satisfaction as a part of their masculinity. This environment which encourages men to be competitive and get what they want often leads to a belief in the “right to have sex.” Women on the other hand are socialized to be more passive, dependent, to be peacemakers, to avoid scenes, to be “lady-like.” They are discouraged from experimenting with their sexuality: “Good girls don’t fool around.” The double standard allows men to have sexual feelings and act on them; in contrast, a woman is allowed to be sexual primarily when she becomes “carried away” with emotion. Communication between men and women is often problematical, especially in the realm of sex. Especially in a first sexual encounter with someone, some women may say “no” when they mean “maybe” or even “yes,” and men have been taught to try to turn that no/maybe into a yes. Thus, it is sometimes hard for men to know when “no” really does mean “no.” Women on the other hand, don’t want to agree to sex too readily for fear they will be seen as “loose” or “easy.” Misperceptions abound; a woman thinks she is merely being friendly, but her date thinks she’s signaling willingness to have sex. Furthermore, stereotypes about women as passive and submissive can also foster a climate for sexual assaults.

The last few decades have seen a general loosening of sexual standards. With the advent of the birth control pill, many people are sexually active at younger ages than previously, including many college-age women and men. Thus, many college-age men may expect sex as a given after they have gone out with someone a few times. Sometimes the woman shares this expectation, but sometimes she does not. Some men believe they are entitled to sex when they have spent money on a date. Others may believe that if a woman is sexually active, she will willingly have sex with anyone, including him.

Acquaintance rape, however, is not simply a crime of passion, or merely a result of miscommunication. It is, instead, often an attempt to assert power and anger. Some men are sexually aggressive because they are basically insecure. Forcing sex on another person makes them feel strong because it makes someone else feel weak. Rape is violence against a woman. It is an issue that strikes at the heart of the personal relationship between a man and a woman, how they treat each other, arid how they respect each other’s wishes. People who respect others do not coerce others to do things they do not want to do.

Seduction vs. Rape
One of the key questions in the issue of date rape is the difference between seduction and rape: the man feels he has merely seduced a woman, the woman feels that she was raped. A useful distinction to keep in mind is that seduction involves no force, implied or otherwise. Seduction occurs when a woman is manipulated or cajoled into agreeing to have sex; the key word is “agreeing.” Acquaintance rape often occurs when seduction fails and the man goes ahead and has sex with the woman anyway, despite any protests and without her agreement.

What You Can Do to Avoid Situations That Might Lead to Date Rape
You can’t always avoid date rape. Nevertheless, there are some things you can do to minimize your chances of being raped.

* Examine your feelings about sex. Many women have been socialized to believe that sex means that they will be swept away with the emotion of the moment or that they can “make out” and then decide whether to say “yes” or “no” to sex later. The problem with this kind of thinking is that it gives too much control to the other person.

* Set sexual limits. It is your body, and no one has the right to force you to do anything you do not want to do. If you do not want someone to touch you or kiss you, for example, you can say “Take your hands off me,” or “Don’t touch me,” or “If you don’t respect my wishes right now, “I’m leaving.” Stopping sexual activity doesn’t mean that anything is wrong with you, or that you’re not a “real” woman.

* Decide early if you would like to have sex. The sooner you communicate firmly and clearly your sexual intentions the easier it will be for your partner to hear and accept your decision

* Do not give mixed messages; be clear. Say “yes” when you mean “yes” and say “no” when you mean “no.” (The ability to be assertive can be developed by training and practice)

* Be alert to other unconscious messages you may be giving. Men may interpret your behavior differently from what you intended. Often women and men send strong nonverbal signs of willingness to enter a sexual relationship and unintentional signals that might conflict with their words, and thereby contribute to sexual assault. Be aware of signals you send with your posture, clothing, tone of voice, gestures, and eye contact.

* Be forceful and firm. Do not worry about not being “polite.” Often men interpret passivity as permission; they may ignore or misunderstand “nice” or “polite” approaches. Say something like “Stop this. I’m not enjoying it,” or “Your behavior is not encouraging an open relationship between us.” If a woman ignores sexual activity she does not like, a man is likely to interpret that as tacit approval for him to continue. Men are not mind readers.

* Be independent and aware on your dates. Do not be totally passive. Do have opinions on where to go. Do think about appropriate places to meet (not necessarily at your room or his), and, if possible, pay your own way or suggest activities that do not cost any money.

* Do not do anything you do not want to just to avoid a scene or unpleasantness. Women have been socialized to be polite. In an effort to be nice, they may be reluctant to yell or run away or escape being attacked. Do not be raped because you were too polite to get our of a dangerous situation. If you are worried about hurting his feelings, remember, he is ignoring your feelings. Be aware of how stereotypes about women may affect your behavior. Accepting beliefs that “women shouldn’t express themselves strongly” or that “anger is unfeminine” make women more vulnerable.

* Be aware of specific situations in which you do not feel relaxed and in charge. Unwillingness to acknowledge a situation as potentially dangerous and reluctance to appear oversensitive often hold women back from responding in the interest of their own safety. For example, avoid attending or staying late at parties where men greatly outnumber women. Don’t be afraid to leave early because it might seem rude. Situations where there are few women around can quickly get out of hand.

* If things start to get out of hand, be loud in protesting, leave, go for help. Do not wait for someone else to rescue you or for things to get better. If it feels uncomfortable, leave quickly.

* Trust your gut-level feelings. If you feel you are being pressured you probably are, and you need to respond. If a situation feels bad, or you start to get nervous about the way your date is acting, confront the person immediately or leave the situation as quickly as possible.

* Be aware that alcohol and drugs are often related to acquaintance rape. They compromise your ability (and that of your date) to make responsible decisions. If you choose to drink alcohol, drink responsibly. Be able to get yourself home and do not rely on others to “take care” of you.

* Avoid falling for such lines as “You would if you loved me.” If he loves you, he will respect your feelings and will wait until you are ready.

* If you are unsure of a new acquaintance, go on a group or double date. If this is not possible, meet him in a public place and have your own transportation home.

* Have your own transportation, if possible, or taxi fare. At least for the first few dates, this establishes your independence and makes you appear to be a less vulnerable target.

* Avoid secluded places where you are in a vulnerable position. This is especially critical at the beginning of a relationship. Establish a pattern of going where there are other people, where you feel comfortable and safe. This will give you a chance to get to know your date better and decide if you wish to continue dating him.

* Be careful when you invite someone to your home or you are invited to his home. These are the most likely places where acquaintance rape occur.

* Examine your attitudes about money and power. If he pays for the date does that influence your ability to say “no”? If so, then pay your own way or suggest dates that do not involve money.

* Think about the pros and cons of dating much older men. Although they may be sophisticated and have the money to treat you well, they may also be more sexually experienced and may therefore expect more sooner.

* Socialize with people who share your values. If you go out with people who are more sexually permissive than you are, you may be perceived as sharing those values. Remember… It is possible to be aware without being afraid; to take responsibility for your own behavior without being a prude; to request that others not violate your space and your privacy without putting them down.

Real Men Don’t Rape
Real men accept the responsibility to not harm another person.

* It is never OK to force yourself on a woman, even if

o she teases you

o dresses provocatively or leads you on

o she says “no” and you think she means “yes”

o you’ve had sex before with her

o you’ve paid for her dinner or given her expensive gifts

o you think women enjoy being forced to have sex or want to be persuaded

o the woman is under the influence of alcohol or drugs

* Rape is a crime of violence. It is motivated primarily by desire to control and dominate, rather than by sex. It is illegal.

* If you are getting a double message from a woman, speak up and clarify what she wants. If you find yourself in a situation with a woman who is unsure about having sex or is saying “no,” back off. Suggest talking about it.

* Do not assume you know what your partner wants; check out your assumptions.

* Be sensitive to women who are unsure whether they want to have sex. If you put pressure on them, you may be forcing them.

* Do not assume you both want the same degree of intimacy. She may be interested in some sexual contact other than intercourse. There may be several kinds of sexual activity you might mutually agree to share.

* Stay in touch with your sexual desires. Ask yourself if you are really hearing what she wants. Do not let your desires control your actions.

* Communicate your sexual desires honestly and as early as possible.

* If you have any doubts about what your partner wants, STOP. ASK. CLARIFY.

* Your desires may be beyond your control, but your actions are within your control. Sexual excitement does not justify forced sex.

* Do not assume her desire for affection is the same as a desire for intercourse.

* Not having sex or not “scoring” does not mean you are not a “real man.” It is OK not to “score.”

* A woman who turns you down for sex is not necessarily rejecting you as a person; she is expressing her decision not to participate in a single act at that time.

* No one asks to be raped. No matter how a woman behaves, she does not deserve to have her body used in ways she does not want.

* “No” means no. If you do not accept a woman’s “no,” you might risk raping someone whom you thought meant “yes.”

* Taking sexual advantage of a person who is mentally or physically incapable of giving consent (for example, drunk) is rape. If a woman has had too much to drink and has passed out, or is not in control of herself, having sex with her is rape.

* The fact that you were intoxicated is not a legal defense to rape. You are responsible for your actions, whether you are sober or not.

* Be aware that a man’s size and physical presence can be intimidating to a woman. Many victims report that the fear they felt based on the man’s size and presence was the reason why they did not fight back or struggle. Note: Men can be victims of rape and have the same rights to counseling and legal action as women do.

Danger Signals: Watch Out for These Men

Unfortunately, a nice, normal man can turn into a date rapist. However, there are some men who are more likely to be sexually aggressive than others. Watch out for:

* men who do not listen to you, ignore what you say, talk over you or pretend not to hear you. Such men generally have little respect for women and would be more likely to hear “no” as meaning “convince me.”

* men who ignore your personal space boundaries.

* men who express anger or aggression towards women as individuals or in general. Hostile feelings can easily be translated into hostile acts. Such men often get hostile when a woman says “no.”

* men who do what they want regardless of what you want. If a man does this in little ways–for example, if he makes all the decisions about what to do and where to go without asking your opinion–then he may also be likely to make the decision about whether you are ready to have sex with him.

* men who try to make you feel guilty, or accuse you of being “uptight” if you resist their sexual overtures.

* men who act excessively jealous or possessive.

* men who have wrong or unrealistic ideas about women (for example, “women are meant to serve men”). Such men are not likely to take your objections to sex seriously.

* men who drink heavily. A “mean drunk” can often get sexually aggressive, angry, or violent if he is rejected.

What Should You Do If Someone Tries to Force Sexual Activity on You?

* Stay calm and think. Figure out what your options are and how safe it is to resist.

* Say “no” strongly. Do not smile, do not act friendly or polite.

* Say something like “Stop it. This is rape.” This might shock the rapist into stopping.

* Assess the situation. Figure out how you can escape. Are there any other people around?

* Look for an escape route. If you can figure out a way to distract him, you can sometimes escape.

* Act quickly, if possible. The longer you stay in the situation, the fewer your options.

* Ask yourself if it is safe to resist. This is a critical question. Women who fight back initially, who hit and scream, have a much higher chance of avoiding the successful completion of an assault than women who plead or try to talk their way out of the situation. Nevertheless, resistance will depend on one main question: is he armed?

* If the man is UNARMED, then you have many options, including:

o fight back physically–punch him in the Adam’s apple, poke your finger in his eye, hit him with a lamp or other item, or kick him. Fight so that you can escape, as it is difficult for most women to incapacitate a man. Resistance may discourage the man or convince him that it is too much trouble to continue. Resist only as long as it is safe to do so. If resistance is dangerous, stop.

o run away. There is no shame in escaping a dangerous situation.

o say you have to use the bathroom, and then leave. o shout “fire.” If you shout “help,” some people will tend not to want to be involved in someone else’s problem. “Fire” concerns them and they are more likely to respond.

o use passive resistance (throw up). o use intimidation (lie; tell him your male roommate is on the way home; tell him you have herpes or VD).

o try to talk him out of it–try to appeal to his humanity, his sense of decency.

o gain his confidence so that he might let his guard down and you can escape.

o try to get him to see you as an individual person. Make him aware of the effect he is having on you. Tell him that he is hurting you.

* If the man is ARMED, then

o try to talk him out of it.

o try passive resistance. Your options are obviously a lot more limited when the man is armed with a weapon. In those situations you are taking your life in your hands if you decide to fight back. It may be possible to run away, if he is distracted, but only do this if you are reasonably sure you can get away.

What To Do If You Are Raped
* Go to a friend’s. This is not the time to be alone. At the very least, you need emotional support. If there is no one to go to, then call someone you can talk to, no matter how late it is.

* Get medical attention. Do not shower or clean yourself first. As soon as possible, go to a hospital or school health center to be examined and treated for possible venereal disease. You may have internal injuries which you are not aware of. If you decide to press charges, physical specimens collected soon after the rape will be valuable evidence.

* Report the attack to police and university or college officials, whether or not you plan to file charges. (Reporting a rape does not commit you to filing charges. You can make that decision later.) Have someone go with you. You can go the next day, but the sooner the better. Rarely do date rapists attack one woman only; they get away with it and so they continue to do it. If you turn him in, you may break that pattern and save someone else from being attacked.

* Consider whether you want to file charges with the police and/or with the campus authorities if the man is a student. If you do decide to press charges, the chances of conviction with acquaintance rape are low, although police, judges, and schools are increasingly more sympathetic than in the past. Some states now have rape shield laws, so that the past sexual behavior of a woman cannot be brought up.

* Get help and support, such as counseling. At the very least, call a rape or crisis hot line. Many schools and communities have them. Your school counseling center, student health center, or local sexual assault center also may be of help. You have been through a trauma and need help to deal with the situation and with your feelings. Women who get counseling get over their experiences faster and with fewer lasting effects than those who get no help.

* Write a letter to the rapist. There is a particular kind of a letter that victims of sexual harassment have often used to stop harassment that can be used by a rape victim who knows her attacker. The letter consists of three parts:

o Part I is a factual account of what has happened without any evaluation, as seen by the writer. (People usually agree with the facts but disagree with the interpretation.) It should be as detailed as possible with dates, places, and a description of the incident.

o Part II describes how the writer feels about the events described in part I, such as shame, misery, distrust, anger fear and revulsion, such as “I feel humiliated,” “I feel I was exploited.”

o Part III consists of what the writer wants to happen next.

o The letter is delivered by registered or certified mail. Copies are not sent to anyone else.

o A sample letter, which can be of any length: “Dear John, On November 23rd you and I went to the movies and afterwards you invited me to your room to see your softball trophies. When you kissed me, I enjoyed it but then you started undressing me and when I asked you to stop, you didn’t. Then you forced me to have sex with you. I trusted you and you betrayed me. You ignored my protests and used me. I was so upset that I wasn’t able to go to class the next day. I cried a lot, and I’m also having trouble sleeping. I think you are disgusting. I don’t ever want to go out with you again or even talk with you and I hope you never do this to anyone else.” Writing the letter can give the victim a sense of doing something constructive about the situation. It can also give the man a new perception of how his behavior is viewed by others.

* Do not blame yourself. Many people assume that the man is expected to ask for sex and the woman is responsible for giving permission for sex. Thus the woman may feel it is her fault for not having said “no” more clearly or for having trusted the man in the first place. Some men and women may also blame the victim and offer little or no sympathy. Men may believe you must have somehow “led on” the rapist; some women may suggest you either used poor judgment or have a bad reputation, so it is your own fault. In both cases, they are trying to distance themselves from what happened. If you find that you are being blamed for what happened, it is helpful to go to a counseling center, a rape crisis center, or call a hot line. You need to be reassured that you are not to blame; the rapist is. Even if your body responded sexually to the rapist, it does not mean you “enjoyed” the experience or that it is your fault. Even if you believe you were naive, not cautious, or even foolish, it is not your fault. Your behavior did not cause the rape; the rapist caused the rape.

What Are the Effects of Date Rape?
Different people react to stress and trauma differently. However, most rape victims go through definable stages of rape trauma syndrome. This syndrome is comprised of three parts: trauma, denial, and resolution.

* Trauma

o Fear of being alone. This may be especially acute shortly after the rape but can also continue for a while afterwards.

o Fear of men. Some women may be fearful and angry at all men. Counseling can be especially helpful in preventing this from becoming a long lasting problem. Victims of date rape, especially, are left doubting their choice of partners and wondering how they can ever again date safely and if they will be able to trust themselves and others.

o Sexual problems. For some people, these may continue for a long time since the sexual act now has been associated with so many negative feelings. Again, counseling can often be helpful in overcoming these problems.

o Depression. This can sometimes come and go over a long period of time. Generally, the more a survivor can talk about her situation, the less severe the depression.

o Fear of retaliation. Unfortunately, this may be a legitimate fear, especially if charges are pressed. However, such retaliation is in itself illegal, and can result in additional charges. Any threat of retaliation should be reported immediately to the institution and/or the police. If this is not sufficient, a lawyer should be contacted to help obtain a restraining order and explore additional options.

o Afraid to trust. This may manifest itself long after the actual rape has occurred when the survivor begins to date again and wonders if it will happen once more.

o Concern over reactions from family/friends. It is not always necessary for a survivor to tell her family and/or all of her friends if she is very sure that they will not support her and will react badly. However, family and close friends may be more supportive than the victim anticipates.

o Physical problems. These include venereal disease, as well as physical symptoms of stress, such as stomach aches, headaches, back problems, inability to sleep, or diminished appetite.

o Feelings of anger, helplessness, guilt, pain, embarrassment, or anxiety. These are all typical reactions and generally disappear with time. In any case, keep in mind that whatever happened and however it happened, rape is the fault of the rapist, not the victim.

* Denial

o Not wanting to talk about it. There is a sense of wanting to get on with life and put the experience in the past. This may, in fact, last for months.

* Resolution

o Dealing with fears and feelings. The primary way to work through these feelings is to talk to someone, be it a friend, member of the clergy, hot line, or counselor.

o Regaining a sense of control over life. This will happen usually only after a victim has dealt with her fears and feelings. At this point, she will be ready to put the experience behind her and get on with her life; she is ready to be in charge again.

Family and Friends: How to Help After a rape, survivors may be openly upset, even hysterical, or they may be numb and seemingly calm. The victim needs to:

* Obtain medical assistance.

* Feel safe. Rape is a traumatic violation of a person. Especially in the beginning, it is often difficult for victims to be alone.

* Be believed. With date rape especially, victims need to be believed that what occurred was, in fact, a rape.

* Know it was not her fault. Most rape victims feel guilty and feel that the attack was somehow their fault.

* Take control of her life. When a person is raped, she may feel completely out of control of what is happening to her. A significant step on the road to recovery is to regain a sense of control in little, as well as big, things. Things you can to to help:

* Listen; do not judge. It is not your place to play prosecutor and make her prove her story. Accept her version of the facts and be supportive. You may have to deal with your feelings separately if you feel that it was somehow her fault. Many rape counseling services can be helpful to friends and relatives of women who have been victims.

* Offer shelter. If it is at all possible, stay with her at her place or let her at least spend one night at your place. This is not the time for her to be alone.

* Be attainable. She may need to talk at odd hours, or a great deal at the beginning. She may not have a lot of people she can talk to and she may over rely on one person. Be there as much as you can and encourage her to either call a hot line or go for counseling.

* Give comfort. She has been badly treated. She needs to be nurtured.

* Let her know she is not to blame. This is crucial. Many rape victims blame themselves. She needs to be reassured that the rapist is to blame, she is not.

* Be patient and understanding. Everyone has her own timetable for recovering from a rape. Do not impose one on the victim.

* Encourage action–for example, suggest she call a hot line, go to a hospital or health center, and/or call the police. Respect her decision if she decides not to file charges.

* Do not be overly protective; encourage her to make her own decisions. She needs to feel in control of her life and this will not be possible if you do everything for her.

* Accept her choice of solution to the rape–even if you disagree with what she is doing. It is more important that she make decisions and have them respected than it is for you to impose what you think is the “right” decision.

* Put aside your feelings, and deal with them somewhere else. Although it is supportive for a rape survivor to know that others are equally upset with what happened, it does her no good if on top of her feelings, she also has to deal with, for example, your feelings of rage and anger. If you have strong feelings, talk to another friend or to a local hot line.

Legal Implications
Women who have been raped by an acquaintance have the same options as those raped by strangers. They can press criminal and/or Civil charges against the man who raped them. In general, date rapes are often difficult to prove. A gun or knife is rarely used and so it is harder for a woman to prove that she was forced to have sex. It is almost always his word against hers. The man’s attorney may argue that the woman “wanted” to have sex with his client, did so, and then thought better of it and so charged rape. The woman has to prove that she did not want sex, resisted, and was overpowered.

Unfortunately, date rapists rarely rape only once. If a woman does go ahead and press charges, there is a chance that she will be able to stop the rapist from hurting other people. Pressing charges also helps many rape victims regain a sense of control over their lives; they are taking some positive action. A pamphlet from Stanford University, Working Against Rape, describes the dilemma:

The decision to press charges is difficult and important. As more women force their courts and communities to deal with rape, awareness about rape increases. By pressing charges women claim the right to have the crime taken seriously. Legal proceedings may help prevent other women from suffering a rape…Conviction rates have increased…in recent years. Some women press charges to demonstrate that they will not be passive when they are threatened. When women fight back–both literally and through the courts–men might not rape as easily. A woman who presses charges can decide for any reason, at any time, to drop them. On the other hand, some women decide not to press charges because they don’t want their personal lives and rape experience aired publicly. Sometimes women’s anger and desire to act are limited by the time and stamina needed for a court case, and there are often educational or economic barriers to pursuing a case. Often women protest the fact that the man’s and victim’s Ace and class unfairly determine how they are treated in court. Some women don’t want to jail rapists as a response to rape. And some avoid pressing charges because they fear retaliation, although even in cases when a rapist threatens to return if he is reported, repeat rapes are uncommon. In some cases a woman’s legal counsel will advise against pressing charges. It is difficult to get a trial, let alone a conviction, when the victim is raped by a husband or boyfriend, is hitchhiking, or is under the influence of alcohol or drugs at the time of the rape.

In addition to–or apart from–bringing criminal charges, a woman may also have the option of suing the individual man who raped her. Laws of evidence are less strict for civil suits so even if she does not file a criminal suit, or if she loses a criminal suit, it is still possible in some instances to collect damages. Some victims have filed suit against an institution or fraternity (if the rape took place at a fraternity function).

If the perpetrator is a minor, the victim may be able to sue his parents. A woman should discuss these options with a knowledgeable attorney Again, since date rape is so difficult to prove, a woman might spend a great deal of money in attorney’s fees and lose the case.

Additionally, in some colleges and universities, it is possible to file a charge against a student who has violated the institution’s rules. A woman can choose to file charges in her institution regardless of what she does in relation to criminal and civil charges. In some instances, the rapist has been suspended from school.

All rape is traumatic but there is something particularly traumatic about a woman being raped by someone she knows and previously had liked and trusted. Although only a small percentage of men commit date rape, these men do a disproportionate amount of harm. As women become more aware of what date rape is and how it occurs, they may be able to lower the chances of it happening to them. Rape is not a private issue but a public one. Acquaintance rape cannot be considered solely a “personal” issue involving a particular man and a particular woman. It is a problem that concerns all men and all women because it deals with the basic issue of the ways in which men and women relate to each other. There is a need for colleges and universities to have rape prevention programs not only to help women protect themselves but to help men understand the issue of rape and thereby make the college campus a safer environment for everyone.

Some More thoughts on All of This.
There have been a few women who have worked, in different capacities, on challenging and confronting Jux. They have been completely discounted by the folks in this piece of shit we call a scene. They have been called liars, they have been harassed and followed, they have been intimidated. To me it seems like men (and women) defending male privilege. It also seems like adults defending adult privilege. I believe that a big part of why people are defending Jux is because by doing so they are defending themselves. One of the defining features of (the disease known as) American male sexuality is the preference towards sexually inexperienced, young (to the point of just barely having entered puberty) girls. Guys are usually into using young girls. They take more shit. They are less likely to demand respect or other courtesies. They are less likely to demand or request the man to be available to their sexual or emotional needs.

If a man with this frame of mind were to honestly question Jux’s violating of young boys sexually, then they are going to have to take a look at there own sexual behavior. They would have to come to some uncomfortable conclusions about their own behavior. Defending Jux is defending one’s self. Sometimes I wonder if being a punk and working on your sexism just means not saying the wrong words in front of the wrong people and maybe owning a Spitboy record or two. Also I wanted to point out that if we want to live in a world with out cops it means we need to take responsibility. Firstly for ourselves. Secondly for those who aren’t taking responsibility for themselves. All government and society aside, it is the adult’s responsibility to keep the children safe. In our “community” we have done the exact opposite. Not only have we not kept the kids safe, we kept those four women from being able to create an enviorment where Jux wouldn’t be allowed to hurt people anymore. If those four women were in bands and were men it would have been taken seriously a long time ago. I know this is true because it started to be taken seriously by some people when I (a man in a band) brought it up.

A Word or Two to Jux.
Jux, I don’t care what scene icon you can get to slag me in public or in their zines, I don’t care how many kids you have scared into silence, I don’t care whether or not you have a fire arm, I don’t care if you try to sue me for libel or slander, you can’t shut me up and you’re not getting away with it. If you so much as touch any of the kids for talking to me I will go straight to the police. If you try to do anything to me it’s going to be pretty obvious it was you. Jeff Ott.

One Account From a Friend of the Victim by Anonymous.
Myths About Male Sexual Abuse was taken from Nelson Blain’s Abuse Pages.
Some Rape Info and “Friends” Raping Friends Taken from the Sexual Assault Information Page.
All Else By Me.

My World 5

Welcome to my world #5. The card on the front is the Hierophant. He’s like the pope or something. This zine doesn’t have anything to do with the pope. He sucks. This summer marks one year I’ve been doing this zine. I put #4 on the last Fifteen CD which will be out octoberish(on Lookout!). I am living in Oakland once again. It is crazy here. Cupertino was very mellow. Where I live now people buy and sell crack cocaine and women at all four corners of the intersection I live at, including in our front yard. However my home is about 10 blocks from where I was born and consequently I feel a lot more grounded now. I also ended Fifteen since I put out the last issue. It had been almost 8 years, and an additional 6 years before that in two other bands. Something about being in a band makes you homeless all the time, it’s really not compatible with having much of a life. I needed a break.

Since I wrote “Further thoughts on rape and our community” in issue 1.5 I got some more information on my own situation. I had been able to remember two cases where I violated two different women. I have come in contact lately with a woman I used to hang out with in about 1986. She and I used to do speed and acid together. One night we were fooling around and we ended up more or less unclothed. It was the same situation as the other woman. By the time we were in that situation I thought consent was implied. With the aid of self-centeredness, her saying no seemed to not carry enough weight to override the implied consent of prior sexual activity.

I raped her.

Since she reminded me of this I’ve been thinking about why it never happened again. I’ve come to understand that people develop lifelong patterns pretty early on. So why didn’t I ever do it again? I started to notice a progression of the behavior of the woman I related sexually to. It was obvious from pretty early on that all the women I was with had been incested/molested as kids. When I was in the beginning of adolescence the women I was with seemed to get very petrified by any kind of sexual activity. As though it was bringing up old trauma. Then as we all got older something changed. The women I was with were a little older (as I was) and had already started to have some prior sexual activities with others. There seemed to be a flip from being terrified of it to throwing ourselves into it. A lot of the time it seemed to be two people who didn’t even really want to be with each other would be sexual just because they were both available for it that day. It really seems now like this:
You are a boy/girl who was molested as a child. You cut this part of your experience off. You hit puberty and the hormones start going. The prospect of being sexual with someone is terrifying. You start ending up in situations where your spending time with someone you like and end up with totally contradictory feelings. You start to fool around, it’s re-traumatizing you. You avoid situations like that for a while. However, your friends start giving you hell about why your still a virgin. You have a natural need to want to fulfill what is expected of you. You’ve gone through all the training that says your only a real man/woman if your having lots of sex. After a while something flips over and sexual activity becomes common place, even compulsive. It seems like when primary care givers in our childhood sexualize us we think for the rest of our lives that we need abusive or trivial or meaningless or overly casual sexual relations in order that we be taken care of and our needs be met. I guess I’m bringing all of this up because it’s always in my face no matter where I am. The activist/punk community in Berkeley/Oakland almost all seem to fit in this “category”. So to deal with it people take on the theory from the 60s(or was it from the Roman ruling class) that sexual relations should be totally noncommittal, emotionally uninvolved. They have built an ideology where, when people are in a committed relationship, that nessicarily means they are imprisoning each other. There seems to be almost no recognition of the fact that if a person has access to both his/her male and female energy then there would be no reason to trap someone else in a relationship. There would be no illusion of something missing, that needs to be gotten from the other. Anyway, it seems like the way sex is happening, compulsively and without caring, is akin to retraumatizing the people involved. Not to mention the possibilities of HIV transmission. For these reasons I can’t really invest to heavily in either of these groups any more. But, back to the original point. I raped a friend of mine. Why would I do that? I’ve never hit anybody since I was four. I’ve never been in a fight in my life. I’ve never been able to see other people fight without intervening. I get totally uncomfortable being around people acting inconsiderately of other people. So why could I think that it was OK to do that to her?

I found only a few answers.
(These are not intended to remove responsibilities for my actions. They are put here in hopes that maybe other men will be able to recognize similar behavior in themselves, so they can attempt to change.)

No matter what sort of public service announcements the TV/newspaper/school gods may put out about date rape, the overwhelming image portrayed of rape is that of a stranger attacking a woman he doesn’t know. This one put some wrong ideas in my head:
It’s not rape if you know the person.
If your not hitting them or tearing their clothes off it’s not rape.
If they consented to petting earlier that day it’s not rape.
If you have had intercourse with them before then they are obliged to give you sex whenever you demand.

None of these things could explain to me why I could live with causing another person suffering in that situation and not in any other situations. The answer I found to that was two-fold.

When I was four I started finding Playboy Puzzles in the cupboards and my parents home. After that I found magazines. After that I started finding the Spectator ( a local porno – newspaper) lying around the playground at my school. Then some of my friends somehow possessed other pornography, I guess they stole it from their fathers or something. As I got older I came to understand that all three cases of my violating a woman, had some relation to pornography. I learned a very important lesson from all of this material, male-supremecy. In the same fashion that white men get to own children and non-whites, they also get to own women. This thinking is totally linked and reinforced by pornography. The very fact that the women are no longer human and are instead a piece of paper makes ownership possible. You can own a piece of paper. You can make the piece of paper do whatever you want. You don’t ask the piece of paper about consent. The nature of what the pictures portray facilitates the thinking further. In the photo’s the women are always starving for sex. Unsafe sex. Violent sex. Humiliating sex. Degrading sex.

There is one particular element of male supremacy in the pictures. The woman is always dominated by or in a state of worship of the the male penis. In the photos and the films the woman is always portrayed as though the only thing that matters to her is having a man come in or on her. This pretty much eliminates any thinking where sex can happen without intercourse or be anything but intercourse. I think what this stuff did to my consciousness is got me to think that once someone consented to kissing or petting that if they said they didn’t want intercourse, for whatever reason, I would then think that they didn’t mean it or that they would change thier mind after penetration had happened.

I don’t know what all this means to you but I have heard of a policy at Antioch College in Ohio where they have defined different levels of sexual behavior and it is mandatory to obtain mutual consent to move to higher levels. The punishment for not complying would be expulsion. I don’t know about rules and people’s lives but I thought it was a very interesting idea.

I read a lot of this stuff in a book called REFUSING TO BE A MAN by John Stoltenberg. Compulsory reading for all men(if I were god). It’s published by Meridian.

I also wanted to express some gratitude to Spitboy, Fugazi, Los Crudos, Spark zine, Rock Candy zine, Spirals Upward zine, Fern zine for raising these issues in the punk scene. We didn’t all end up punks because we had good childhoods and emotional health.

This summer I had the chance to go to Canada. For many years I had dreamed that I would find something magical in Canada, but I had no idea what that magical something would be. The trip was great, nice people, most I met were of a spiritual nature, the food I ate there was really healthy for the most part and very close to where I was staying there was a juice bar. It being my nature to pick up almost every piece of free literature I find, on my last day in Canada, I took a “health ‘zine” from the juice bar. It wasn’t until I got home did a friend of mine read one of the articles titled, “Bras and Breast Cancer” and encouraged me to read the article.

I was amazed at the information in the article, it turned out that the article was my Canadian surprise! The article was written by Sydney Ross Singer who conducted a study of 5,000 women who wore bras. Basically, she was interested in how our lifestyles make us sick, and she found one. According to the World Health Organization, 70-80 per cent of deaths in North America are due to lifestyle. Wearing a bra is definitely a lifestyle choice for most adult women and it seems to be a social obligation for many young women as they begin to develop breasts. The link between bras and breast cancer is this: On a daily basis, for the entirety of our lives, we are exposed to many hazardous and cancer-causing agents. Toxins are in our food, air, water and in all the materials in and around our bodies. These toxins are processed by our bodies through our lymphatic system and bras definitely restrict the lymph nodes that are near our arm pits. Basically, the tight construction of the bra restricts the natural operation of the lymph node and traps the toxins and poisons in our system. The study by Singer made the direct connection between the amount of time women wear bras and the occurence of breast cancer. Women who wear a bra 18 hours a day have a higher rate of breast cancer than women who wear a bra 12 hours a day. Women who wear a bra 24 hours a day have the highest rate of breast cancer. Much to my dismay, many women reported wearing a bra 24 hours a day and when I started to ask some friends about this they agreed that some of them actually wear their bras continuously, on the advise of their mothers or women friends.

I started to ask myself why did I wear a bra. To be honest, I never was really crazy about the way my breasts looked. They always seemed kind of lumpy, definitely not perfectly shaped, as I had been trained to think that they were supposed to look, (ie. breasts pushed upwards for constant male “enjoyment”) But then I started to realize that I was really wearing a bra to mold my breasts so they would look like every other woman’s, and I believed the lie that my breasts needed “support”…BULLSHIT!! The fact is that my breast needed support because they were lazy from always being held “up” in a bra. By lazy I mean that, like muscles that haven’t been used in a while, my breasts became that way. I knew deep inside that my body was born with everything I needed to get along in life and I wasn’t born with a bra on!

Then came the decision, like many other things in my life there comes a time to reject the idea that I’ve carried around for years, the lies I’ve been taught by society about how to take care of myself. I decided to get rid of the bra. There are a couple of factors that helped me in this decision; 1) I want to live a healthy life and don’t want to die as a result of my lifestyle 2) I don’t wear “revealing” clothing, so it’s not totally obvious I’m not wearing a bra today 3) I hang out with people that are supportive of living the same way as I choose to live 4) I am trying to live my life without giving in to a concept/product that uses lies just to make a profit.

In my first couple of weeks during the de-bra-ing, I was a bit nervous. Would my job notice and tell me that I was in violation of some “dress code”? That didn’t happen. Would men look at me differently, with presumptions about my sexual availability? That didn’t happen. What did happen was I finally developed a “relationship” with my breasts, instead of treating them separately by putting them in this “sling”. And as the study by Singer concluded, women who quit wearing bras report complete recovery from pain, swelling, cysts, and lumpiness within weeks, this was my experience. My breasts, and the muscles around them are actually stronger.

I have become increasingly aware of how everything in our culture encourages women to wear bras. There are a couple of things in particular that are disturbing. The whole notion of giving young women “training bras”, what are they training for? A life of bondage and possible death? Last years rage of “Miracle Bras”…just the title is dismal. And most recently I saw a TV commercial that I grew up with…The Playtex 18 hour bra. Now that I know there is a direct link between length of bra wearing and breast cancer I find this product as harmful to women as a Virginia Slims cigarette ad.

It all started when I was in the third grade, A boy class-mate of mine started teasing me, saying he could see my boobs and I needed to wear a bra. He would not let up so being in the third grade I did what anyone would have done, I chased him. Chasing him made him tease me more but I was not going to stop and I would have kicked his ass if the principal did not catch us before I caught him. The principal asked us a few times what happened but all he got out of us was that the boy was teasing me. There was no way in hell either of us was going to say I was chasing him because he was teasing me about my boobs. When the principal threatened us with what I don’t remember the boy made something up. I agreed that that was what he was teasing me about and off to class we went. I think we were both glad we did not tell him the truth. When I was in the sixth grade I loved running. We would have races at lunch, I always thought I was fast. But I gave it up because my boy friends favorite joke was telling me I was going to get two black eyes when I ran. For a long time after this I ran with my arms very close to my chest so my boobs won’t bounce so much. I did not like that when I ran all the boys were looking at my boobs. Or boys making up tricks like asking you if you can touch your elbows behind your back or my boyfriend putting his arm around me and hanging his hand over my boob or boys asking for hugs so they can feel my boobs. It is sad to say but sometimes, even today, if a boy asks for a hug, even the seven year old I watch, I think they have some screaming ulterior motive.

Another time in the sixth grade two of my boy friends and I were hanging out at my house. These two boys decided it would be a good idea to attack me and see if they could take my bra off. They would chase me, catch me, grab at me, And try to unhook the back. I would get away and tell them to stop, they would for a few minutes and start again. Finally I had to lock myself in the bathroom and tell them to leave. All was forgotten because they were my friends. I just thought this was normal and accepted behavior.

In Jr. high all the boys were disappointed that I didn’t wear a white t shirt the day of the water balloon fights. As I got older there was less teasing and more staring and rude comments. So in high school of course we have swimming. In this class the boys and girls were split up so I was not too worried. (This is actually a funny story)All the girls are in the locker room admiring each others suits. A girl asks to see my suit so I lift up my shirt to show her the top. There is a group of about six girls around me And this girl says oh my god you have the biggest boobs. Well I knew that. I think she did too but seeing is believing. I have a million little stories but just one more from my high school days. I went into a donut shop bought some donuts and started to leave. I hear someone say “hey”. We stopped and looked, there were four boys about 15 or 16 sitting at a table. One of them looks at me and says kind of slowly, “You have the biggest boobs I’ve ever seen”. I just stood there dumbstruck. Chris left and I just stood there looking at this kid. Nothing came out of my mouth so I just left. Here I am today not as self conscious as I used to be. If I seem a little protective when you try to get close to me don’t take it personal I just have to protect myself. It just takes time to trust that someone is not just trying to cop a feel.

I was asked to write some stuff about punk and punks and changes in people’s lives and how we carry a lot of the internal emotional/intellectual disabilities from our society on with us even after we are punks. I think all these things can be put into a few separate categories.

Misogyny/Male supremacy

How you ever noticed how predominately white punk is?
Have you ever noticed any efforts to change that?
Have you ever noticed that most of the efforts to change racism in the scene are along the lines of groups of people whose purpose is to have violent confrontations with skins, racists, etc.?
Do we still think that we can just say that were not racist anymore and that racism is somebody else’s fault and the 18 some years of conditioning we all underwent is now just disappeared?
Have you ever wondered what it would be to take action to build communications/connections with people outside white punk rock?
Do you really think that some white kids can come up with all the solutions for the problems of race we have to face?
Do you think white kids can even see all the problems that there are?
Have you ever been to a show or other “punk” social happening and heard people spewing the same old shit ( racist jokes, “humorous” impressions, stories about being in fear in a situation for reasons of neighborhood or the color of people in there surroundings, etc.) and have everybody go along with it?
Have you ever been to a show and noticed people were totally unaware of the privileges they have because they are white?
Have you ever heard people use the poor condition of their neighborhood as proof of their manhood/punkness without ever really thinking about the fact that some people had to grow up, live and die there?
Have you ever done any of these things yourself?

Have you ever been to a show where people used words like FAGGOT, HOMO, GAY, ETC. to express that something was lacking in someone’s manhood?
Or to imply that someone wasn’t punk or hardcore enough?
Have you ever heard punks talking about how it was OK that somebody was gay so long as they don’t force it on “me”? As though it was in someone’s power or right to decide if someone else is OK?
Have you ever noticed that “heterosexuality” is forced on everybody, everywhere?
Have you ever noticed that the perspective being presented through music and spoken word is not only very white but very heterosexual also?
Have you ever found yourself engaging in these behaviors?

Have you ever noticed that about 85% of the people in bands are men(while more than half the people in the world are women)?
Have you ever noticed punks classifying music made by women as not “punk” because it lacked the ingredient “tuff/hard/macho/etc.” that they so desperately need?
Have you ever noticed women in the back and men in the front at shows?
Have you noticed, in your scene, that the only role available to women is that of “so and so’s” girlfriend?
Have you ever noticed that people in the scene think it’s normal and OK for guys in bands to use women for “anonymous” sex?
Have you ever noticed women in your scene competing over the most “desirable”(in most popular band/in position of most power) man?
Is that conducive to community?
Have you ever noticed the difference in language and content of speech when there are no women present?
Have you ever seen your scene expect women to do the majority of the shit work, and get none of the recognition or appreciation?
Have you ever heard someone in your scene use words like – betty, bitch, slut, tramp, whore, cunt, a good fuck or lay, etc. – to refer to a human being?
Have you ever heard punks in your scene engaging in “jokes” that are degrading to women?
Have you ever heard people in your scene bragging about sexual conquests with another person as though the other person was only valuable as a means of ensuring one’s manhood/womanhood in the eye’s of his/her peers?
Have you ever noticed the level of a persons “punkness” is permanatly linked to his/her gender identity?

Have you ever noticed, in your scene, divisions based on different levels of income, standards of living, neighborhood of residence, etc.?
Have you ever noticed divisions in your scene based on whether a person lives in a box, car, shelter, apartment, squat, house, under a tree, etc.?
Have you ever heard punks say things like “oh he’s a poser his parents are so rich..” ?
Have you ever noticed people in your scene divide themselves up between those who squat, those who rent, those who are homeless, those who go to college, etc.?
Have you ever noticed people in your scene being divided into groups where one values political information learned at college and another group values political information learned in the streets?

Have you ever noticed a feeling in your scene that some people are more important than the others?
Have you ever noticed a system of levels in your scene where people on different levels are given different “worths” (band members, zine writers, promoters, roadies, label owners, audience)?
Is there a “king” of your scene?
Do people in your scene use the word “scenester” to refer to certain people?
Do people in your scene tend to think that people’s ideas and actions are more valid if those people have been going to shows longer than everyone else?
If those people were around at the beginning of the scene?
If those people saw black flag, minor threat, the big boys, etc.?
Are the various forms of infrastructure in your scene(club, record stores, radio shows) run by a group or by an individual?
Are their official or unofficial “leaders”?

Have you ever noticed that success is defined the same way in your scene as it is for arena rock?
Have you ever noticed bands in your scene signing to huge labels saying they needed better distribution when they don’t really have anything to say anyway?
Have you noticed bands in your area charging 10$ and up for lps, cds, tapes(even though it only costs 2$ to manufacture)?
Have you noticed bands are starting to ask for four digit guarantees and are starting to complain about others not liking it when door prices exceed 5$?
Have you ever noticed how many people sell video and audio tapes of bands live shows for 10-15$ with out ever asking permission from the band or giving any of the money to the band?

Have you ever noticed people in bands, audiences, zine writers, etc., who talk about all the things that need to be done, all the changes that need to be made in persons lives, so that we can embetter our world and our fellows?
Have you ever seen any of those people doing any of those thing?
Have you ever noticed people in your scene using their political beliefs as a proof of their superiority over others and not as a motivator towards action?

I used to think if I didn’t use the word nigger than I wasn’t racist anymore. I used to think if I didn’t use the word bitch when women were around then I wasn’t sexist anymore. I used to think that if I was buying into the homecoming king shit that I wasn’t buying into hierarchical social relations. I used to think that so long as nobody “gay” was around it was OK to use words like faggot to dehumanize others.

I saw that there were serious problems with the way people were. Unfortunately I believed my parents, the TV, etc. when they said not engaging in those things was a simple matter of not saying a couple words, not doing a couple of behaviors anymore. They said that change would mean just those simple little things because they didn’t want to REALLY change. They didn’t want to really face institutional racism, sexism, homophobia, classism, male supremacy, greed. They wanted to be able to point the finger at somebody else and not have to examine their own lives.

Do you want to change? Do want to accept the fact that people shaped your attitudes over YEARS? Do you want to accept that it might take years to extract these things from yourself? It might even take your whole life?

Are you willing to accept that you are as much a part of the problem as anybody else?
Are you willing to give up the privileges you get from our society?
Are you willing to give up the idea of human domination over nature?
Are you willing to actually accept the fact that you don’t know it all and ask some one for help (oh how unmanly!)?
Or are you just looking for a mohawk, a place to be cool, a place to be superior, a place to prove your gender identity, a place to get fucked up and not take responsibility for your life?
I’ve engaged in most of these behaviors over the course of my life. It’s taken me a lot of work and time and willingness to change myself. To me it’s not about your lame and I’m not it’s about were all fucked and we need to support each other if we are going to ever get better.
Progress not Perfection.

Over the summer I was staying at a friends house a couple blocks from 924 Gilman St. He had bought the house from a guy who’s grandfather built it. His dad lived in it for fifty years. Instead of paying rent I helped my friend clear out the fifty years of shit the guy had there. One of the things I found there was a essay for school that a girl wrote sometime after 1906. It was titled “Berkeley As I Knew it in The Early Days” by Wilhelmine F. Bolsted Cianciarulo. It mainly just talks about the bottom of university ave. and the buildings, businesses that were built there. It talked about how it all used to be a swamp and about the horses and cows that used to hang out.

After I had read a few pages of it I got to the part where it says, “Thier house(the Sisterna family) was sold in 1906 and was moved to 10th street near channing way where it was remodeled. The family had one Indian slave named Pedro. He slept in the barn with the horses and was in demand at all times until he died.”

I don’t ever remember being told that slavery was even legal in California. I know they never said anything about slaves being here in Berkeley this century.

We seem to have a habit in our society. We rape, rob and murder, and then we demand that it either didn’t happen or that were past that now and it’s all behind us. We seem to lack a continuous Truth. They’ll release the Nixon tapes in a while and say it’s all behind us now. They’ll probably admit that the FBI and the CIA killed JFK, Martin Luther King Jr., Malcolm X, quite a few Black Panthers and hundreds of members, relatives of members and supporters of the American Indian Movement. They will undoubtedly say it was an honest mistake and the responsible parties are dead or retired so it doesn’t matter any more. Irregardless of whether or not we accept the insanity; that even though they admit willfully violating every law and commandment ever thought of, repeatedly across hundreds of years, they will not let it happen again. There is still in fact a continuous truth.

The ruling class use lies, murder, assassination(foreign and domestic), bombings, slavery (35 cent and hour prison labor {if you account for inflation 35cents and hour is probably worth less than the food and shelter that the slaves received in the old days}), terrorism, sabotage, divide and conquer, starvation, war, rape and economic violence to do what ever they want to whom ever they want and experience absolutely no consequences whatsoever. This will not change in a few years because of this circumstance or that circumstnce, it will end when thier means of control( police, army, media, division, war, everyone wanting to be the next “millionaire”) are either taken from them or destroyed.

I had another idea about our trash dilemma. If you built various long lasting holding containers for the various things you buy at stores, you could then leave the packaging at the store. This is completely legal, think about when you buy a candy bar, you obviously leave the wrapper in thier trash. What would that accomplish? Not much, but if lots of people did it Safeway/JewelOsco/etc. would incur huge trash collection costs fairly quickly. If people were adamant about it I think the manufacturers would have to listen. The only reason they get away with the current garbage/packaging nightmare is because we all agree to pay to have the packaging taken away and “disposed of”.

Last month, July 1996, a black man was shot to death four buildings down the street from where I live. He was shot four times in the face. He was a major crack dealer with an estimated 200 people working under him. My partner and myself went out for an hour to buy some food. When we got home the street was blocked off on both sides and we had to convince the cops we lived there just to go down the street. I went and looked at the guy. He was lying on the sidewalk. I guess I’m too desensitized from watching Television and living in an metropolitan area, cuz I didn’t feel anything about it for days. All the neighbors were all excited that something was actually happening.

A few days later my partner and myself planted a rose bush there for him. Then I started to see a chain of events that I imagine probably happened.

See, next door to us there is a woman who screams and threatens and beats her children. She must call them worthless at least 50 times a day. She also treats them like they are worthless and a burden. This seems to be a pretty recurring theme in Oakland. I hear it next door where ever I’ve lived in Oakland. Don’t get me wrong I’m not trying to say that this behavior is a result of them being black people. I’m pretty sure if you traced it back through people’s families it would originate with the white people who used to own them who would scream at them, beat them, and tell and treat them in a way so they would believe they were shit.

Anyway, I started thinking about the guy who got killed and the guy(s?) who killed him. They probably went through the same kind of childhood where life wasn’t worth much. It would make it pretty easy to kill somebody else or do things that would get you jailed or killed. So I was thinking that as the guy hits his twenties, there’s no work to be had. Meanwhile George Bush and Ollie North are busy importing tons of cocaine into the country. All around him in every form of media, during the 80s, greed and entrepreneurism was the order of the day. So low and behold this young black man tries his hand at selling cocaine and finds himself very good at it. Next thing you know he’s dead on the side walk with not so much as a face intact. And the media call it Black on Black crime. Even though the white people started it and facilitated it every step of the way.

Here are some numbers I got from the local library. It’s all from 1990-1995, so the numbers are probably higher now. The math is mine so things are kind of rounded at my convenience.

Number of cigarettes smoked a day world wide: 15,000,000,000
Number of cigarettes smoked a year world wide: 5,475,000,000,000
Number of cigarettes smoked per day in USA: 1,000,000,000
Number of cigarettes smoked per year in USA: 365,000,000,000
Profit per day on cigarettes(1$ pack)world wide: 750,000,000
Profit per year on cigarettes (1$) world wide: 274,000,000,000
$ made on cigarettes per day in USA($1/pack est.): 50,000,000
Profit on cigarettes per year in USA($1/pack est.): 18,250,000,000,
Number of people killed by smoking per year in USA: 390,000
Number of people killed by cigarettes per day in USA: 1068
Number of people killed by cigarettes per hour in USA: 44
One person is killed by smoking every 1.36 minutes in the USA
$ made on car sales per year in USA: 189,000,000,000
$ made on petroleum products per year in USA: 77,000,000,000
Number of car accidents per year in USA: 15,000,000
Number of car accidents a day in USA: 41,095
Number of car accidents per hour in USA: 1712
Number of car Accidents per minute in USA: 28
One car accident in USA every other second
Number of people killed in car accidents per year in USA: 40,982
Number of people killed in car accidents per day in USA: 112
Number of people killed in car accidents per hour in USA: 5
One person killed by a car accident every 20 minutes
Number of people injured in car accidents per year in USA: 5,000,000,
Number of people injured in car accidents per day in USA: 13,698
Number of people injured in car accidents per hour in USA: 570
Number of people injured in car accidents per minute in USA: 9
One injury due to car accident every 6.66 seconds
—————————————————————- FIREARMS
$ made on the sale of guns per year in USA: 9,881,000,000
$ made on gun sales per day in USA: 27,071,000
Number of people killed by guns per year in USA: 37,776
Number of people killed by guns per day in USA: 103
Number of people killed by guns per hour in USA: 4
One person killed in the USA by a gun every 15 minutes
$ made from alcohol sales per year in USA: $50,000,000,000
$ made from alcohol sales in USA per day: 136,986,000
One million dollars made from alcohol sales every 10 minutes
Number of people killed by alcohol per year in USA: 19,568
Number of people killed by alcohol per day in USA: 54
Number of people killed by alcohol per hour in USA: 2
One person killed in the USA by alcohol every 30 minutes
Number of people killed by drugs per year in USA: 11,703
Number of people killed by drugs per day in USA: 32
One person killed by drugs in USA every 45 minutes
Number of women REPORTED battered per year: 3 million
Number of women battered per day: 8,219
Number of women battered per hour: 342
Number of women battered per minute: 6
One woman battered every 15 seconds
Number of REPORTED cases of child abuse per year(USA): 1,700,000
Number of cases of child abuse per day(USA): 4,657
Number of cases of child abuse per hour(USA): 194
Number of cases of child abuse per minute(USA): 2.23
One case of child abuse every 18 seconds
Number of REPORTED sexual assaults per year(USA): 700,000
Number of sexual assaults per day(USA): 1917
Number of sexual assaults per hour(USA): 80
One sexual assault every 45 seconds
Number of REPORTED rapes per year(USA): 87,600
Number of rapes per day(USA): 240
Number of rapes per hour(USA): 10
One rape every six minutes.
—————————————————————– FEMICIDE(BY PARTNER)
Number of women killed by partner per year(USA): 1,500
Number of women killed by partner per day(USA): 4
One woman killed by her partner every six hours.
In 8 hours, the time you spent at work or school today, the following things will have happened:
1 woman killed by her partner
10 drug deaths
16 alcohol deaths
40 car accident deaths
32 gun deaths
80 women raped
352 smoking deaths
640 sexual assaults
1,552 children abused
2,736 women battered
4,560 car accident injuries
13,696 car accidents
In other words 1350 people were killed, 2160 cases of sexual violence, 26,544 assaults involving physical and/or emotional injury done to women and children, in one eight hour period. When some one in the middle east takes a couple of hostages or kills a couple of Americans we’re there bombing tons of innocent civilians in the blink of an eye. The real killer is our society, and there is no way to go to war with it because it is already at war with itself.

It is war.

Here is another way of looking at it. In my life(26 years):
39,000 women killed by thier husbands
304,278 drug deaths
508,768 alcohol deaths
982,176 gun deaths
1,065,532 car accident deaths
2,277,600 women raped
10,140,000 smoking deaths
18,200,000 sexual assaults
44,200,000 cases of child abuse
78,000,000 women battered
130,000,000 car accident injuries
390,000,000 car accidents
———————————————————————— Here are some more thoughts I had after reflecting on the statistical information I gathered:
1) The numbers on rape and sexual assault and child abuse should be multiplied by 3 or 4 to account for the majority of cases where it goes unreported.
2) Since there is one sexual assault every 45 seconds and 55% of sex assaults are done to girls under 11 that means there is one case of a kid getting incested or molested every minute and a half. I figure that an average case of a kid getting molested lasts more than a minute and a half, therefore a child is being sexually molested constantly in the USA.
3) Our way of life almost kills as many people per year as either world war did.
4) We don’t value ourselves or each other or life very highly.
5) If you divide the number of deaths per day by the amount of money made per day you get a figure of how much money they made per person killed, for that year, they are as follows:
Cigarettes – $46,816.48 per person killed
Autos+gas – $4,623,287.67 per person killed
Guns – $262,825.24 per person killed
Alcohol – $2,536,777.78 per person killed
6) A few states are starting to talk about suing the ciggarette companies for the amount of people who must be treated for smoking related disease with no insurance or state paid for insurance. They should also be suing the gas and car companies because there are far more car accident injuries per day than there are smoking related hospitalizations.
7) The government and media use numbers a lot to justify thier interests. I used to think that they just made up numbers, but they don’t have to. When you say 32 people died of drug deaths today it sounds like a lot, but it doesn’t sound like much compared to the 1062 people who will die because of cigarettes today(which are totally supported by government subsidies). So I think what it comes down to is that they are telling parts of the truth and most people don’t care enough to find out the rest for themselves.

However, I hear a lot of activists and punks talk about how “so many more people die of cigarettes and alcohol than drugs” and use it as a means of discounting the damage illegal drugs actually do or arguing for there legalization. They have killed 300,000 people in the USA in my life and they have killed seven of my friends in the last three years. Also it seems like the government/media aren’t actually opposed to preventable death, they are only opposed to the ones that could be turned on them(guns) and the ones that provide them with the opportunity to invade minority communities(drugs).If they cared about peoples health, they would be attacking cigarettes, which kill 33.3 more people than drugs do(which also translates to huge unpaid medical bills from uninsured smokers that the states have to foot the bill for). Also alcohol kills twice the number of people drugs do.

If they really cared about preventing violent death then they would go after cars(can you think of anything more violent than being propelled into cement or steel at 60-100 miles an hour?) not guns. Cars have killed more people than guns for decades until last year when they killed virtually the same amount of people. Furthermore if they were out to end violent why would they do things like war, atom bombs, etc.

I also noticed that the media is pretty screwy about it’s logic. They always talk about how most of the car death happen in this situation or that location or whatever. The reality is that all car deaths occur in cars, all car accident injuries invole cars. Also the media seems to like to put on all those cheesy partnership for a drug free America commercials which happen to be funded by the cigarette/alcohol companies, the biggest producers of chemical warfare on the people. But it kind of figures they would put out commercials that badmouth thier COMPETITION. So in conclusion I can only make one recommendation – run for it.

Bras and Breast Cancer was written by Cynthia
Stop Staring at my Chest by Kelli from Weekender (it was taken from weekender w/out permission actually)
There giving vouchers….. by Julia Vinograd
Change was written by me for Ed’s zine, I don’t know what it is called
I got a lot of info out of the nice woman at the Berkeley Public Library reference phone line
The rest was done by me.

My World 3

Welcome to issue #3. I’m doing these faster and faster all the time. It’s probably because I don’t really have a life. In the last issue it said there was art work in it but there wasn’t, oops. This time I got some for real. I only had to go a thousand miles to get it. I hope you like it. If you don’t please give it to someone who might.

Today the city council of Berkeley is having an official contemplation on how they want to decimate Peoples Park. Yesterday Bill Clinton went about the business of initiating the charade that will create the illusion that a “democratic process” is happening and will decide to put 20,000 troops in former Yugoslavia.

This decision was made a long time ago. See when Yugoslavia split up, one group of people had the majority of the countries military hardware. After the split up, the US and the UN declared sanctions against everybody in the regions. This ensured that the Muslim(ie non-christian) population would be defenseless. From that point on the situation was a sure fire slaughter. My opinion is that this is just another example of our “leaders” making sure there is a continual way to justify our huge military budget. Creating conflicts for us to resolve on account of the current lack of Cold War enemy. So good old Bill is on the TV right now talking about how this action is nessecary because of the slaughter(that we created), the epidemic proportions of rape at the hands of the military(rape is sort of an epidemic back here at home too, don’t you think?). Do you think 20,000 soldiers are going to decrease the violence? Do you think 20,000 soldiers will end rape in the region? If either of these was the case why haven’t we used the same 20,000 soldiers to end the violence in our own country? If it were true why don’t we use those 20,000 soldiers to END RAPE here? Could it be because ending violence and rape would be a matter of the halting of people violating each other, an idea pretty contrary to a military reality. The military can do nothing but violate peoples. To truly stop these things from happening, it would take all of the people who currently violate others to learn to stop and to not teach their children to do it in the first place. Sounds like too much to ask of some 18 year old kids whose only training has been how to kill. Somehow I get the feeling that if anybody says anything against the deployment of troops, they will be branded by the state/media, PRO-RAPE/PRO-MURDER in the same way they label pro-choice activists “Anti-Life”. Lately I played a show in Croatia and we met KIDS who had to go to the war the next day. This time it’s your friends.

In the last two years we’ve lost a couple of handful of people. The first one was Rosebud Denevo. She was overpowered by her resentment and anger. She put herself in a bad position and the police/univercity took advantage of it, broke all their own rules and procedures and killed her.

The next one was a guy named Chris. He dabbled too often and too much with hard drugs and isolation and depression. He jumped in front of a subway train in NYC.

The next one was his ex-girlfriend Charlene. She used heroin to deal with the pain brought on by past sexual abuse. In the world of needles there are no take backs. She did an overdose of Heroin and died.

The next one was another kid named Chris. He was in Austin, TX. He was trying to stop a fight between one friend and another group of friends, who were all drunk. The single guy freaked out, was too drunk to realize that Chris was trying to help him out of a screwed situation, and stabbed Chris in the stomach, he died.

The next one was a guy named John Michael. He was an epileptic. I’m not sure but I think that means your not supposed to drink alcohol. Anyway he was living in a hotel room, drinking, had a seizure and died. It took about a week before somebody even found him.

The next one was a 15 year old named Blyth. I’ve already written about her in #1.5, so I won’t repeat myself, but her death was at the hands of a heroin overdose.

The next one was a guy named Jonathan. His kidneys gave up on him. I couldn’t honestly say what caused it(cuz I didn’t know him as long as the others), But I do know that kidneys clean the blood and the easiest way to ruin kidneys would to force them to process large doses of poisons over a long period of time.

For all the words our activist/punk/homeless/etc. community speaks to the effect of throwing patriarchy off of our consciousness, we seem to still idolize some sort of tuff guy thing. Our friends are dropping like flies from PREVENTABLE causes and instead of questioning what’s going on around us, we take this pretentious stance that says “I’m tuff, I can take it, these things happen, the system did this to them and I’ll get revenge and that will make everything better.” Revenge never resurrected anyone. Part of having both halves of ourselves would entail admitting that I/We/You can’t take it(the unessicary loss of a loved one). Too me the most important part of what has transpired is that there is a deadly serious lesson to be learned from these peoples deaths. Most of us aren’t learning from these things. Most of us are still engaging in these behaviors that killed our friends.

I knew how to direct Charlene to places where she could have received help with her problems with heroin and abuse. I was too concerned with getting loaded to tell her about it. The only way I have to respect and honor her life+death is by not ever, not even for one day, forget what killed her, and what will kill me if I let it be part of my life. Her death, in a sense, is the most important gift I’ve received in my life because since I have received it, I get to choose life over slow death.

Thank You Sister.

These are the things that I have been arrested for, I think they are more or less in order.
1. Obstructing a public thoroughfare. When I was 14 I cut school one day to go to an anti-apartied demonstration. The cop with the bullhorn announced that if you sat down you would be arrested. I thought that sounded funny so I did it, and you know what happened? I got busted.
2. Runaway. That’s right I got arrested for going to school 12 hours early, go figure.
3-312. Sleeping. You know, I thought that sleeping was a biological fact too, but no, it’s a misdemeanor.
313. Malicious Mischief. This one was a little tricky. Me and Claude and some other dude were hedge diving on UC campus one night, jumping off of a car into these bushes. We tried to look into the car window first to make sure nobody was in it but the windows were tinted black, so we just assumed that no one was in it. Of course there actually was someone in it, as it turns out. So anyway, the cops caught us a little later in a building and they ask me to fill out a statement, so I write that I jumped off the roof of the car to get over the hedge to find a place to sleep. When I talked to a public defender he said they couldn’t convict me of anything because I didn’t willfully intend to damage the car. But when I ended up in court the judge neglected that part of the law and my public defender didn’t care enough to mention that they aren’t supposed to be able to convict me without willful intent, oh well.
314. Petty Theft. I was shaving my head one day on UC campus and the razor I was using got too dull to cut. I went to the ASUC store next to sproul plaza to steal a razor blade. I went into the store and found a razor blade that was supposed to cost 7 cents+tax. I stuck it in my pocket. What I didn’t realize is that I was the only person in the store who wasn’t an undercover security person. Needless to say they jumped me on the way out. I spent three days in juvenile hall for stealing what was worth 7 cents.
315. Runaway. I refused to be put in a mental institution. I hid in San Fransico. Later in this piece you will understand whey I am mentioning that they caught me at band practice.
316. Trespassing(misdemeanor). Me and my friends Jack and Adrienne were wading in the fountain next to the edge of Niagara falls on the American side. We did it to get the change so that we could eat. Incidentally they arrested us, released us to East Bay Mud for no bail and fined us $25 each with out a trace of paper work anywhere, no receipt, nothing. Can you say EXTORTION.
317. Littering. One day me and a friend saw a cop jack a guy up for a nickel bag of weed. We stopped to tell the cop that he was collaborating with a racist scheme to destroy the black community(the vast majority of drug convictions are blacks, the vast majority of users are white. Crack carries double the sentence that powdered cocaine does), and that we thought he was a creep in general. Due to our presence the cop decided against arrest and wrote the guy a ticket instead, so we left. As I walked off I set a sandwich which I had half eaten on top of a newspaper stand so that some one else could eat it. Half a block down the street I got arrested for littering.
318. Being in A Public Park After Dark/Warrant. One day while I was living in the Fifteen van, parked on the south side of People’s Park, and I decided that I had too many books. So I went and got some wood and nails and a hammer and proceeded to make a bookshelf for the park. I did in such a way that it was connected to a tree not by nails but by leaning and rope. It took me quite a while to make it. I finished it’s construction about quarter to ten, which meant I had 15 minutes to clean up the mess before park curfew took effect. My friend Jesse Manycolors came by and was helping me clean up. Apparently we took a little longer than 15 minutes because the cops showed up and arrested us both. It seemed a little ironic that Jesse is a Native American and was the only person there who had a moral right to be on the land. Nonetheless we were both arrested for Trespass and warrant for failure to appear on the above paragraph and Jesse’s warrant was for trespassing or something like that.
319. Obstructing A Public Thoroughfare. One day I was helping my friend fix his car so he could sell it. He lived on Univercity Avenue which is an exit off of I-80 in Berkeley. After awhile of working on his car we went up into his apartment to drink a beer and smoke cigarettes and take a break. While in his apartment we started to hear faint chanting getting louder. It got louder and louder, after about a minute it was so loud that we ran outside. To our amazement we found a thousand people running down the street on account of the innocent verdicts that were giving to the four cops who were charged with the assault on Rodney King. We ran with everybody down the street and straight onto the freeway. It quickly became apparent that there were too many people going too fast for the cops to keep us from getting on the bay bridge. They eventually surrounded and arrested all of us about 1/4 of the way across the bridge to the city.
320. Obstructing a Public Thoroughfare/Trespassing(a couple other charges I can’t remember). During the first few CRITICAL MASS bike rides in the East Bay the cops didn’t really know what was up. On the third or fourth ride we got a little out of hand and took the ride(about 100 cyclists) through 2 Safeway’s and a gas station and a McDonalds and a Burger King. Towards the end of the ride we were trying to burn a McDonalds Flag in front of the Albany police station. Unfortunately the flag was flame resistant and didn’t burn, we spent too long trying to get it lit and the cops started trying to surround us so we took off down the street. The street we ended up going down had a turn off to I-80(dejavu) so we did it. This was probably the single biggest thrill of my life, pedaling down the slow lane on the freeway, sticking my arm out to indicate that I was going to move one lane to the left and praying for a long enough break in traffic to get over one lane. And then doing it again and again until the entire four lanes were taken over by bikes. Then looking back at the miles of stopped cars knowing that we had demonstrated in the physical world what OUR future could be like if we work for it.
321. NOT. One day, about 2-3 months after my last cigarette, I was jonesing really bad so I went down to the Berkeley Police Department cuz I figured they could help me. See I had a warrant for Failure to appear and I figured if I turned myself in and spent the night in jail then I wouldn’t end up smoking. However when I told them I had a warrant and that I wanted to turn myself in they claimed that there was no warrant in the computer so they couldn’t take me. Something about just going there relieved me of the obsession to smoke anyway.
322. Trespassing. This latest one wasn’t really an arrest, it was just a ticket. But I thought I should include it to demonstrate how everything goes in circles. This ticket was given to me because I was sitting on a sidewalk, just like the first one. Of course it wasn’t that I was just sitting there. It was also because I refused to move to the other side of the sidewalk and then proceeded to tell the cop that he was standing on land that belongs to the Ohlone People(the original inhabitants) and he had no jurisdiction there and that according to the Ohlone People there was no such thing as property so trespassing was not even possible, and then I asked him repeatedly if I could get a ticket. So it’s not always as easy as you think. So I wanted to illustrate what the reasons for my being considered a criminal: from the top; Sitting on the sidewalk. Going to school too early. Sleeping. Hedge Diving. Theft of a 7 cent razor blade. Band Practice. Stealing Wishes. Sharing Food. Building a Bookshelf. Jogging. Riding a Bike. Sitting on a Sidewalk.

I’ve actually done some real crimes but they never bug me about that stuff. I’ll write you stories about that stuff once the statue of limitations is up and I’m off probation.

On my 24th birthday I received some gold. See I was born on the 24th. There’s an old tradition of giving a person gold on the birthday which corresponds to the date of their birth. So anyway on my 24th birthday I received only one thing. A book about men recovering from incest. My friend who gave it to me thought that it might apply to me. She was right. I didn’t open the book for quite awhile. I was struggling to get off of dope/alcohol/obsessive casual sex for quite awhile. One of my attempts to avoid my problems was a trip to Mankato. As soon as I got there I knew it wouldn’t work to just change my external circumstances because my problems were inside of myself. I bummed a ride back home off of a band called Dog Day. I got to withdraw for alcohol/pot/speed/endorphins/etc. while being roadie guy. Needless to say it was kind of crazy. A couple of days into it I opened the book and started reading it. It had lists of symptoms and after effects of childhood sexual abuse. As I read through these lists there was no way to deny the fact that I exhibited all of the symptoms listed. The only problem is that I don’t remember anything. Nothing. The book said that people usually block out memory of sex abuse until the perpetrators are dead or far away. So it kind of made sense that I still don’t remember anything, because I’ve lived in the same place all my life. It’s really frustrating, though, not remembering anything cause it makes me not want to talk to anybody about it because I always think they will think I’m lying. This would be a normal fear for a person with memory of the abuse, because perpetrators usually tell victims they are wrong, crazy, at fault etc. The fear of being told I’m lying gets a little compacted with me though because sometimes even I doubt that anything happened, even though I know that’s not the case.

So a while later I saw my sister in Berkeley and I ate lunch with her. Somehow we got to talking about our brother and how she was distressed about having to be around him on thanksgiving. I asked her why that was. She told me that he had molested her when we were little. I couldn’t think of any incident that she was talking about, but I could tell she was telling the truth. Besides my brother was exceedingly abusive(violence wise) so it wasn’t too hard to believe. The day that I saw her was her last day in the US before she went to school in a foreign country.

Months later I remembered sitting on my floor. I was about eight or so. My room was right next to my brothers. My mom was screaming at him to open the door. He wasn’t doing it. She went back down the hall and came back with something that she picked the lock on his door with. When she got the door open she went in and got my sister and her friend out of the room. The thing I remember the most was how they weren’t just crying but there bodies were almost convulsing. No one ever said anything about it ever again. Nothing.

Lately it’s been bugging me because I used to share a room with my brother until I was about 5-6. I don’t know what it all means. I got to find out first hand that an idea I read in the book is definitely true. It is as follows:

(Fall 1991)
After being homeless for a handful of years I got sick of it. I was sick of sleeping on other peoples couches and floors and feeling like I wasn’t really wanted there, or that I didn’t have a right to be there(like any white person has a right to be here). I got sick of not getting a place to sleep sometimes. I got sick of trying to sleep outside and waking again at every temperature drop.

I got sick of it all. I was wandering aimlessly around the MacArthur bart station. I went up 40th street and sat down in the island in the middle of the street. I knocked four times on the ground because someone had told me that four was the number for the earth. I took out a knife from my pocket and cut a line through my palm and let some blood spill onto the earth. Then I asked the Earth for a place to sleep. I sat around for a little while longer and then got up and walked up the street. I had gone no more than a block and a half when I noticed a big building with part of the roof burned up. Upon closer inspection(looking through the windows) I found most of the rooms to be empty. I didn’t realize at first that this place was the thing that I asked for. I didn’t know too much about breaking and entering at the time, but I got this silly idea to just try the first door I found. The first door I tried opening was actually unlocked. I went inside and picked one of the 40 or so non-fire damaged rooms to be mine. It was pretty scary for awhile being there by myself cuz every sound that the building made, made me think that someone was in the building. After a few months there I received my first visitor. A guy who lived in a park down the street. He just walked into my room and started talking to me. He was pretty nice at first until he saw my books. Some of them had titles referring to mysticism and, god forbid, witchcraft. The guy started asking me if I was a satanist. I explained to him repeatedly that I wasn’t a satanist. He didn’t seem to understand what I was telling him and he up and left. A couple days later I came home in the evening to find all my stuff, but especially my books, torn, burned and covered in paint. I guess he thought I was a satanist. Anyway, I know when I’m not wanted so I left. The fucked part is that I totally offered for him to live there, when he first showed up.

Next issue I’ll write about the second Free house I was given.

(Stolen from the Slingshot.)
On the night if November 15, 1992 bart police officer Fred Crabtree shot Jerrold Hall in the back of the head with a shotgun.

Jerrold Hall was from Union City. He came from a “middle class” Black family. He was 19 years old, out of high school, spent a good amount of time around, in the streets, here and there. Jerrold got in trouble now and then, his friends say he was really pissed off about racism all around. He met up with John Henry Owens at the mall on Nov 15 and they took the bart train home. Someone on the train called the driver and said that two black men had stolen a $60 walk man.

Jerrold hall and John Henry Owens were walking across the parking lot at the Hayward bart station. Bart police officer Fred Crabtree got a radio report about two black men, possibly armed, who had committed a robbery. Officer Fred Crabtree(who lives at 1045 Coronado Way, Livermore, CA 945500) is a seventeen year veteran of bart police. Bart officials will not release his personnel record. He is big, 6’5″, 250 pounds, white, middle aged. He was armed with a shotgun, pistol, truncheon, knife, mace, flak jacket, automobile and radio. His partner was Wodan, an 85lb. German born and trained attack police Sheppard.

Officer Crabtree confronted the two. Both Jerrold and John Henry were small, 5’6″, 135lbs. No one knows exactly what words were spoken that night but, from some witness accounts, this is what happened:
“GET DOWN ON THE PAVEMENT, PUNKS, NOW!” John Henry Owens got down immediately, but Jerrold, he said “Fuck you cop, what for?” Jerrold approached the cop and verbally challenged Crabtree, told him he was a racist mutherfucker. Crabtree called his dog. Wodan ran to Jerrold and bit him, then stopped. Jerrold pet the dog’s head saying, “See, animals like me.” The dog walked away, and Jerrold approached Crabtree. Crabtree says Jerrold seemed to be going for his shotgun. There was a struggle. Crabtree hit Jerrold across the face with his shotgun, so hard that it broke the gun stock. Then Jerrold turned and walked away from the cop. He said, ” What are you going to do, shoot me?” Jerrold walked about 25 feet, hands outstretched.

Crabtree racked his shotgun and fired twice. One shot went directly over the head of John Henry. The next shot hit Jerrold square in the back of the head. Tore the back of his skull and brain apart.Jerrold dropped about 25 feet away from the cop.

Backup cops arrived within 5 seconds of the shots. Witnesses stood and starred at Jerrold’s bleeding body as Crabtree spoke to the other cops, “Yeah, it would be nice if someone finds a gun.” They never found any weapon. Jerrold died 12 hours later.

John Henry Owens was arrested on felony robbery charges, and spent the next two months in maximum security at Santa Rita. He is still facing robbery charges, despite the fact that no weapon was ever found and that the “victim” of the “robbery” has presented extremely dubious testimony. Crabtree claimed he fired in self defense. He said he thought Jerrold might have been armed,he could’ve “escaped into the darkness, come back and shot him.” Crabtree was given paid administrative leave for a few days, was absolved of any wrongdoing by an internal police committee, and was given his guns and patrol back. He is back on the streets, working armed plainclothes duty on bart trains.

When the cops murder or beat someone, the cover-ups, lies and justifications begin. The cop becomes the victim, the victim becomes the criminal. Racist stereotypes label people of color, particularly young black men, as armed and potentially violent. Cops get away with murder when they convince the public that the suspect “deserved it.”

Three years later:
Nothing ever happened to officer Crabtree. I went to a memorial service at the bart station where he was killed. Someone there pointed out to me where Crabtree was standing and where Jerrold was standing. These two points made a line that also hit a palm tree.

Crabtree———— Jerrold—————— Tree

The official police story was that Crabtree fired the shot in the air and the one that hit him in the head was a fluke. The person showed me that since Crabtree was about 6’5″ his gun must have been about 6’2″ in the air, it had to be aimed, down, at Jerrolds head because the first shot hit the palm tree at a height of about 5’10”, right over Jerrolds head, yet under the level of the gun. The next shot had to be even lower because it hit Jerrold in the head, 5’6″.

He got away with it. For now.

I wanted to reprint this because as learned more of the story I had a realization that Jerrold got taught somewhere in his life that if someone is trying to fuck you up, you leave. That’s what I was always taught. It makes sense. What happened was a lynching. He got away with it. For now.

His address is listed above, do what you know is right.

When I went to high school I noticed something about how the boys/girls or men/women related to each other. There was a predetermined ideal. This ideal was the tough-guy/quarterback/overly-scholastic dude, coupled with the dingy/non-assertive/”beautiful”(anorexic/bulemic) girl. They win the homecoming king/queen positions which proves they are superior to everyone else. I was most pleased to have the handful of punks at Berkeley High take me in. I thought we were so superior to the rest of the kids because we ignored football, homecoming, prom, etc.

Later on a thing called the Gilman Street Project started happening. We punx had a place to socialize all of a sudden( besides the streets that is). I didn’t notice how quickly we started emulating thier(the jocks) behavior. I guess I didn’t notice(or want to notice) because I got special privileges out of the equation. See, in our scene, instead of having quarterbacks we have singers. Instead of “beautiful(anorexic/bulemic)” women in expensive clothes we have “beautiful”(anorexic/bulemic) women in ripped clothes and funny colored hair. Since I played quarterback, er… I mean since I sing in a band, I received unspoken payoffs. I got valued higher than the other boys/men. On the other side there were certain women who had that certain look, you know what I mean(anorexic/bulemic) who got valued higher than the other women/girls.

The only difference between us and the jocks(in these respects any way) was that we didn’t have an official contest to determine who wins the social status game. Otherwise the structure, motivations and intentions are all the same, superiority and hierarchy.

Additionally, although it may be progress that I(the men) can expand thier options beyond being a sports figure. The equation works out the same for the women/girls. They are confined to the role of other/background/the OTHER part of the MAN. The only real choices allowed are style of dress and hair, and choice of boyfriend(by which she is defined). (Not to plug myself anymore than I already do but…)

(Not to plug myself anymore than I already do but…)
I used be really proud of the fact that I didn’t work. I considered(still do) working for someone else prostitution. I figured that since I didn’t work I was different than everybody else. Little did I realize, I was doing the same thing. Just about every crashing arrangement I had when I was homeless( except for staying with Jake Filth) involved someone I was sleeping with or used to sleep with, and probably would again. I didn’t see( or want to see) the equation going on. Every time I gave; sex, a relationship, the allure of sex or a relationship, I got a place to sleep, food, drugs and eventually I ended up in a couple of situations where I was given something like an allowance. I always was able to rationalize it by thinking that it wasn’t what is was because “she was my girlfriend” or the lie that “every boy/man wants sex any/every time he can get it. The stereotype says that a young girl runs away to the big city and gets preyed on by older men. I guess that’s not always the case.

To make things more confusing I seem to have picked up this pattern from a form of incest that doesn’t involve physical sexual contact. I don’t really ever feel like talking to anybody about it because most people think incest only means Father rapes Daughter. What happened to me is a thing called emotional incest. I think that it is probably very common in America. It is when a parent uses a child to fulfill the needs of the parent, that are the responsibility of the parent or the parents partner to fulfill. In my case I had a father who was emotionally unavailable. My mother reacted to that by making me fill some of her needs. Emotionally I was her partner even though I wasn’t sexually. I ended up smothered. So now I end up with a pattern where survival is tied to romantic relationships because survival was naturally connected to my mother taking care of me when I was too young to do it myself. Also I end up with a pattern of feeling like I’m being smothered if I’m in a romantic relationship. There is also another side effect which is mysogony(which means hatred of women), because it always felt like my mom was destroying my identity by making me her partner, which I think somehow translated in my mind to mean a threat to my life(if that makes any sense, I don’t know else how to explain it). So later on in life when I get into similar relationships(because that’s my pattern) I get the same feelings of being attacked(even though it’s not what’s happening) I ending up copping-out and deciding that all women are fucked/out to ruin my life. So as a result I keep distance from the people I’m romantically involved with. In the future I’ll be just as emotionally unavailable as my dad, my childs mom will react the same way as my mom did, and the whole thing will keep going on endlessly. You might be able to now infer why I think it’s a pretty common phenomenon. All it takes is one guy to close himself off emotionally and it perpetuates itself all over the place. To me most men in America(and the other places I’ve been, Europe/Mexico/Canada) are emotionally not there. I guess it will take a whole generation of men to turn over there own inadequacies, in order to turn the whole thing around. So I don’t know much but I still don’t work for nobody and I have my own room in my own house now.

I’ve noticed since I got into punk rock how heavily we rely on “Macho”. Style of dress, speech and body posture mannerisms, attitudes, etc. Sometimes people say that all the violence and machismo is a way to mirror society. I don’t know but I’ve never met anybody who saw violent/stupid punks and suddenly realized that society is violent and proceeded to drop out of it.

I’ve noticed lately that I can get a lot more accomplished when I am working for something, because when I am working/fighting against something there is always resistance.

So what I was thinking is that if you want to be a tough guy, please leave that sort of behavior outside of shows and other places where community happens, we don’t need it there. If you need to do things to prove your masculinity to everybody, try doing it to the cops, do it to the IRS when they demand your money on the 15th, do it when they expect you to passively sit and watch them rape the earth and destroy small countries in the “third world”.

As far as I can figure out humans have engaged in an on going process of passing the buck(the buck being Abuse). I’m not too clear on my history but I think it started with emperors, who were replaced by popes, who were replaced by kings, who were replaced by presidents/prime ministers(who are not exactly replaced by, but rather directed by the multi-national corporations. The only things that have really changed are the emperors titles, and the increased technological ability to spread thier fear, intimidation, greed, abuse, etc.

Whatever the guy on top of the pyramids title is makes no difference, the relations between people are all the same.

The guy on top abuses the people directly below him, his workers, accomplices, his family, etc. Every one below him seems to be oblivious to the fact that we all wield a great deal more power than him alone, but we’ve been brainwashed to think that we have no power at all, so we let him get away with it. Anyway, since were all so hung up on our ego/pride/manhood we all internalize anger when “higher ups” abuse us. As soon as there is someone around who we can get away with abusing(because thier “under” us), we dump our internalized anger and rage on them. This happens between all the different levels of the status/power/wealth hierarchy. Where people have the smallest amount of wealth and power is where people have to accept the most abuse just to get the things they need for thier and their families survival. In all the different levels the abuse filters down to the point where the parents abuse the children. Now that this phenomenon has permeated everywhere, coupled with the extreme conditions found in places like the inner city, we have reached a breaking point.

The weight of passed on abuse from millions of Americans over 500 years has landed squarely on the head of the African child/Latino child/Asian child/American Indian child/Poor White child. The current level of youth gang activity/violence/homicide/rape is just a drop in the bucket of what’s in OUR very near future if we don’t drastically alter many things right now. As usual waiting for the government to take care of these problems will probably be as fruitful as it has been waiting for them to create peace in the world, solve world hunger, clean up the enviorment, etc. This is obviously our responsibility.

So I guess the original point was that maybe it would be better to define Manhood with adjectives like compassion, Nurturing, Fair-Mindedness, Calmness, Gentle, Responsible and Peaceful. And to stop defining punk rock with the negative aspects of masculinity.

The first part of the piece on Jerrold Hall was taken without permission from The Slingshot. The Painting of Jerrold Hall was painted and photographed by Elvijo. Font cover by Pamela C. Smith. Drawing of naked guy with flower by Josh. “I Stand Alone…” by Alisa. All else by me.

My World 2

Disclaimer: This is not the property of P.I.S. we are a preservational home for this.

Welcome to issue #2 of My World. This should end up being a little shorter than #1.5. This time there are things by other people. The letter to the editor is by my friend Pam, who writes Drop Out Zine. The Black Panther Party 10-point program was written by the Black Panthers. The art was stolen from a book that was illustrated by Miriam Arguelles. In the next issue I would like to do reviews. Send me anything to review and I will find something I like about it(even if I mostly hate it). Only good reviews will be given, don’t confine yourself to just music and literature, please.

Lately I noticed two different things in the newspaper on the same day.
#1)The entire amount of tax dollars spent on the US nuclear arsenal from the very beginning to today is 4 Trillion dollars.
#2)The amount of the US deficit today is 4 Trillion dollars. I guess somehow they have most of the people here too strung out on TV, dope, work, etc., to notice that they spent 4 Trillion dollars that they haven’t even stolen(IRS) from us yet, to build bombs that we will never use. They will charge the future generations for this expense. It occurred to me that if we never built all those bombs that there would be no national debt. Yet the people in government keep playing the charade of “how do we balance the budget?”. I keep hearing the same rich white congress people who appropriated the cash for the bombs saying now that it is the fault of single mothers on welfare that there is a national debt/budget problems. They seem to fail to mention that these women are on welfare because: 1)The men left, 2)The most important work to be done in our society, raising kids, is economically devalued to the point where it is completely unpaid work, because part of the patriarchy we live inside of states that women, children and people of color are our(white males) servants and they don’t need to be compensated for their labors. If you paid a woman $5 an hour for childrearing, which is a 24 hour a day job365 days a year 19 years long: 5x24x365x19=$832,200. This comes to 43,800 a year, $3650 a month, as opposed to the $400-600 a month they receive on welfare.

Once again the people who set these policies are blaming the victims of their bad planning for the fact that the system doesn’t work. This stuff makes me want to further both the group and the idea, Food Not Bombs, as much as I can.

Also I’m sort of thinking it might be a good idea to collectively go to the “defense industry” and return the useless missiles for a full cash refund. 4 Trillion Dollars.

The other day I went on the Friday the 13th critical mass and saw the ride fall apart due to what seemed to be a near consensus opinion that it was more relevant to go to a party than to do the ride. I don’t want to go into details, that’s just the way I saw that day(probably heavily misconstrued). What I did want to bring up was the things that bond the members of our community. I never thought of it much until lately I decided to abstain from Heroin, Cocaine, Speed, Acid, Pot, Alcohol, Sex, Coffee, Cigarettes and then later Sugar. Until then I never questioned the fact that almost every bond made in our community was made of the above mentioned items.

I think there are a few reasons for this lack of questioning(that we wouldn’t accept in other areas of our lives). First, I think we have a large vested interest in not acting in an authoritarian manner towards other people. I know I have a lot of trips with this one, as my parents had me locked up(beatings, mental hospital, jail, juvenile hall, group home, non-consentual homelessness at 14) on numerous occasions for things like suspicion of possession of pot(they have been on alcohol every day of my life). Second, I think that we use the nessecary drug etiquette(some things not being OK to talk about for legal reasons) as an excuse to not deal with some things at all. Third, I think we all contain some of our societies alcoholic condition of denying the existence of some of the things that are so obviously with us.

I’ve noticed that a lot of us hold the idea that some(heroin,cocaine, speed and sometimes alcohol) chemicals are bad for the formation and stability of community. But for the three reasons mentioned above it seems to be shunned to hold that same idea about pot, acid, sex and the other so called soft-drugs.

I saw all of us(including myself) do nothing when some of us(including myself) would do occasional to regular use of the so called hard drugs. I thought it was not my place to do or say anything because of the aforementioned experiences with my parents. This way of thinking dictated to us the idea that we had to sit and watch our brothers and sisters die if that was the direction that they were headed. I certainly don’t want to ever promote trying to interfere with a persons right to do whatever the hell they want to, but I don’t think that means we have to be silent among ourselves about some peoples actions troubling us. I think there may be some sort of middle ground between becoming what we hate and suffering in passive silence.

I have watched relationships loosely based on using chemicals and sex form and disappear over and over. The only relationships I’ve seen last very long in my own realm of reality are the relationships formed while undertaking actions like squatting over the last four years, the people I’ve meet while actively dealing with the universities attacks on the park, the people I’ve gone to jail with over all the attempts to go across the bay bridge with out a car, the people who do Food Not Bombs with very clear intentions of getting the food out, and the woman I traded blood with in order to become siblings.

In the last decade I’ve learned all that I know about how oppression is maintained. It seems to me that one of the biggest tools that they have is divide and conquer. It took quite awhile longer for me to recognize how easy it is to divide people whose bonds are mainly composed of getting loaded. I also thought I was over reacting in my thinking until I went over a mental list of how I had come together with all the people that I did work with and how different my bonds to those people seem to be just in the absence of a few drugs. Just remember It’s no big deal.

How many times have I heard some human in a suit or a frat costume telling me to get a job, as though an absence of a job means something besides not having a job. I could work at McDonalds(and destroy the peoples land in south america, torture cows with factory farming, poison people here and encourage people to not cook for themselves), I could work at a book store( and destroy the chances of our kids having trees and air to breath next century), I could work at a bank( and uphold the current situation of a few people having more wealth then they could possibly know what to do with, while most people are their indentured servants), I could work at the auto factory( and help put millions of tons of toxic waste into our childrens air, while encouraging people to drive which makes the air putrid, kills more people than guns annually and make us fat and lazy), I could work for the fruit industry( and ensure the subversion of third world DEMOCRACIES by our secret military), I could work for the police(and contribute to the imprisonment of almost exclusively young, poor, black males, does genocide ring a bell), I could work digging metals or oil out of the ground(and ensure the further poisoning of the earth), I could get a job with the U.S. military(and keep the world safe for economic exploitation of the third world, world domination, weapons manufacturers profits, capitalism. Mean while your tax dollars buy overpriced bombs to kill people, towns, communities just like you), I could get a job making or selling cigarettes( which will kill our fellow people), I could get a job at a hospital(and teach people anything but how to live in a way so that they wouldn’t need hospitals/drug people for not conforming to the mental/emotional paradigm), I could sell real estate( for such high prices that people will be indebted/enslaved forever), I could rent people houses to live in( at prices so high that people will have to work for others for the rest of their lives), I could build houses for a living(and destroy all of the other living creatures houses), I could work at a grocery store( and ensure that people don’t learn how to grow their own food), I could work at a coffee shop( and keep everybody on legal low grade speed).

Additionally, any job I could get would invariably uphold the fundamental capitalist principals. For example, large amounts of goods costs less per unit while less amounts of goods cost more per unit, no it’s not just the typical drug dealer economics, it’s also a way of ensuring that the few with all the cash(THE RICH) are the only ones who get the advantage of buying in large quantities therefore ensuring that they will remain rich and dominate forever. Remember you may get a little piece of this “pie”, but never enough to make you or your people free and never enough to buy back this world which was stolen from all of us. Lastly, many of us use the excuse that we need to pay rent as a way of justifying being anothers slave, it would be good to remember that we live on what was and is rightfully Native American land. Rent is only a scam dreamed up by those who falsely claim to own this continent.

How many times have I heard the teachers say that it’s too late to make amends for the fact that we almost completely genocided various Native American peoples. It just happened. To bad. Really it’s no big deal, just cuz we killed 15 times as many Indians as Hitler killed Jews. We sure have a lot of shit to talk about Germany, but none about ourselves. It makes sense that the establishment justifies the slaughter of 90 million with the acquisition of enough land so that every white man can have 100 kids and each one can cut down their own forest, and so on. It doesn’t make as much sense that we echo that same sentiment today, seeing as how we don’t recieve the rewards of the slaughter anymore. We don’t get all the free land that they clear(KILL) the people off of. We don’t get shit. We get 40 hours a week and enough left over after rent, bills and taxes to buy a little beer or crack to forget our misery for awhile. We get enough credit to keep us indebted and enslaved for the rest of our lives.

So anyway back to our history teachers. They try to convince us in one class about, America and justice and truth and what’s right, and at the same time that it’s OK to kill for land, enslave for labor, torture for control, etc. They say that there is nothing we could do about it now. They always admit to what happened after the fact and then they say”oh it’s too late to do anything about it”.

If you got caught today for theft and was prosecuted you would have to pay restitution(they would call this justice). If you told the white men that they would have to pay restitution for the land stolen from the Indian, you would be told to live in the real world. When our so-called educators tell us it is too late to make up for what we did, it just means that they are afraid of losing the privileges and convieneces brought/bought by genocide and slavery and “civilization”. It means we as a race don’t today have the courage to make amends for what we did. It means like our parents, we are afraid to have to fend for ourselves in a world where humans are not on top of a food pyramid but rather part of a food chain like biology teaches us.

In this last year the white buffalo was born.

In this last year I have witnessed the return of rains and the return of one snowy white egret walking slowly up one of the few remaining streams in Berkeley(Strawberry Creek), swooping on fish and bugs out of the creek. I think that there will be many more pieces of nature coming back into our world(cities) to be at home again. I hope that this time we have the sense to learn respect because this time I think if we are unwilling to adapt and take our rightful humble place then there will be no place for us at all.

It has always bugged me how the society that: covers the entirety of our urban areas with cement, burns petroleum like there’s no tomorrow, utilizes nuclear power before knowing how to deal with the by-products, establishes “safe” levels of poisons in our food, cuts down the vast majority of the trees that create the oxygen we breath has the nerve to put up signs that say shit like “don’t litter”. Like in the center of an entire culture of shit, whether my candy bar rapper goes in a garbage can or on the cement really matters. The rulers get to(only because we let them) define what trash is and isn’t. If I put my little bit of trash in the garbage can then I’m supposed to feel good about myself. Where does it go from there, in the ground. A little bit more poison in the land our food grows in, the water we drink, the air we breath. Is there really somewhere good to put trash? Outer space? Why don’t they ever bring up not making the trash in the first place? Probably because government and multi-national corporations are the same entity. They think that it’s more important to sell us a ton of crap that we WILL drown in rather than give up their control of the Earths resources and our lives and minds and bodies. I don’t really know what the answer is but I have met many people who have learned how to deal with their needs by their own work. Some of the things I’ve seen are, gardening rather than safeway, sewing rather than the gap, welding bikes rather than ford, squatting and camping rather than rent, etc. They all cost less or nothing and there is no packaging to be buried later.

One more idea I had was to somehow(I’m not trying to encourage crime or anything) disable the cities garbage collection and removal systems, so that people will be forced out of their denial about garbage going somewhere appropriate. We would then be realistically facing whether or not we want to live in a dump or not, when we don’t think it’s just going somewhere else.

Right before I got kicked out of High School I took a biology class. Every time I went to the class I noticed things that are supposed to happen in the world, according to biology, that are against the “LAW”. When we eat food we are taking in nitrogen from our food which originated in the soil. We are supposed to return that by urinating and defecating on the ground, an act which happens to be illegal. So instead we build immense systems of pipes under everything, send our waste to a place where we add tons of chemicals to it and then put it in the water we drink, fish and swim in. When we die we are supposed to rot back into the ground. That is the least we can do to play our part in the cycle we call the food chain, however you would get in serious trouble if you got busted putting a friend or relative who had passed away in the ground in your backyard. At night time you are supposed to go to sleep. If you don’t subscribe to the reality of wage/rent slavery, then any way you deal with your need for shelter/warmth at night is totally illegal. If you don’t own/rent a piece of land it is illegal for you to go to sleep. It is illegal to have a fire to keep warm in many places. It is illegal to hunt. It is illegal to use the resources around you to make yourself shelter because everything is already privately owned or is “public property”, which means that since your a part of the public, you don’t get to use any of it. Go Figure? Unfortunately, laws can’t eradicate the need for things like sleep, shelter, urination, deification, burial, etc. they can only attempt to eradicate the people who are landless.

My parents used to always say that god/religion is for people who couldn’t deal with the real world. Of course they drank alcohol every day so I guess that means they couldn’t deal with the real world either. Anyway, as a result of their abandoning of their parents faith/churches I was never brought to even one church service by them. While I lived with them I went along with the party line of “fuck god and all that stuff”, without really thinking about it much. The kids next door had to deal with a catholic upbringing and they told me all sorts of crazy things about how god keeps a book of all my good deeds and bad deeds and how it would be tallied at my death and I would be sent to heaven or hell. There were so many obvious contradictions in what their parents said about their religions(peace, goodness, justice, truth) and what they did in real life(violence, anger, constant punishment, lies), I figured all their god stuff was crap(as my parents told me). Later on I learned about the reality of the history of christianity. Murder, slavery, war, genocide, theft, rape. At this point in time I thought that the above crimes against humanity were evidence of the nonexistence of god.

After awhile I got put in juvenile hall for being myself and all there was to read was Sweet Valley High books and the bible. Needless to say I read the entire set of sweet valley high books before I even considered opening the bible. Eventually though I did open the bible. I read it about ten or twenty times. Alot of it seemed to say “god’s peace” in between the various accounts of wars. It seemed a little weird. However some of what it said seemed totally right on. Which really blew my mind, because all the christians I knew wanted nothing more than to be super-rich. Yet their bible seemed to say that it was easier to get a camel through the eye of a needle than it is for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. Plenty of these people seemed to support things like WWI, WWII, dropping nuclear bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki, destroying the people of Viet Nam, ruining the lives of the soldiers(children) we send all over the earth and capitol punishment even though their bible say that “thou shall not kill”. There are about a million other examples that I don’t need to mention cuz we have all seen them a thousand times already. Anyway, I was left with the idea that all the religion stuff was probably crap, but maybe the problem was all the people that claimed to be christians were fakes. Later on in life I found myself at my friends moms house and I was on some acid. My girlfriend was suffering from a pretty bad case of strep throat. I couldn’t get to sleep, so I ended up sitting there watching her sweat and cough and look miserable. For the first time in my life I felt really powerless over something. I didn’t really know how but I got on my knees and in my head asked for god or whatever It is to help her feel better. About fifteen seconds later she started sweating profusely and broke her fever. Moments later she proceeded to awaken and tell me how she had a dream that an encompassing light came down over her head and made her well. At this point I had to reassess my thoughts about god.

About a year later I was living in a house in north Oakland renting the couch in the living room. There was some weird people living with us who belonged to this cult thing called the OTO. We would do lots of speed and talk about all kinds of voo doo, magic, etc. By this time in our lives we had all read the bible enough to be familiar with it. So anyway one day on the TV news we saw something incredible.

In the book of revelations 6:12/6:13 it says, “I looked when he opened the sixth seal, and behold there was a great earthquake; and the sun became black as sackcloth of hair, and the moon became like blood. And the stars of heaven fell to the earth…” Also 8:11, “..A third of the waters became wormwood, and many men died from the water”, and 9:9, “And they had breastplates of iron, and the sound of their wings was like the sound of chariots with many horses running into battle”, and finally 13:18, “Here is wisdom. Let him who has understanding calculate the number of the beast, for it is the number of a man: his number is six hundred, three score and six.”

We were all sitting around watching the local evening news because we wanted to know what was going on with the US – Iraqi conflict. In one half hour we saw the following: an earthquake, a shot of the sun turning black as a result of the burning oil wells, the moon was red in another shot also as a result of the burning oil, lights(scud/patriot missiles) falling from the sky, Oil pouring into the sea, turning the water black, in the same place where that community desalinated the sea water to drink, helicopters flying, and after all that we heard the news caster casually refer to UN resolution 667 in regards to the conflict. That one was too much so I went straight to the library to find out what resolution 666 was. It said something like this: The UN holds sole(soul) power to relieve human suffering in Iraq.

That is in regard to the fact that a previous resolution says that it’s illegal for anyone to sell or give any food, clothing, medicine, etc. to anyone in the country of Iraq. I remembered various Berkeley paranoid conspiracy theories about how the story in the bible about the beast establishing one world government right before the end. Once again I had to rethink the god thing again.

Later on I got to a point in my life when I needed to stop using drugs and alcohol and I tried to do it myself and I couldn’t. When I found some people who had found some success with their drug/alcohol problems, the majority of what they had to tell me about how they did it was that they didn’t do it, cuz they couldn’t. This made sense to me on account of the fact that I had tried to do the same thing and failed time after time. They said that it only worked when they found a god/higher power/creator/deity of choice. This has also been my experience. I feel pretty lucky today that I never got forced into any kind of religion, church or whatever because most of that stuff that I’ve seen sucks.

Lastly, One of the people who lived in the house who lived with me left the area to live in a monastery and be a monk. At first it seemed like it had to be a bad thing that he was there because it is a christian monastery. I saw him later and he gave me a book that he had written with some other people from the monastery. This book answered one of my first questions about christianity. One of the major(to me anyway) points of the first part of the book was that Jesus is the only way to God. Jesus example/life seemed to consist of honesty, poverty, anti-imperialism, humility. Most of the churches that claim christianity seem real heavy into deceit, wealth, supportive of America/American Imperialism and social status games. When Jesus said I am the only way to god, he cut out the middle man. When the churches say that you have to give them 10% of your earnings and that you have to go to them to find Jesus, they have bastardized the whole thing back into a business. One of the other things I’ve noticed about most of the world religions is that they all say “I am the only true God” in there somewhere. For some reason people have an easier time killing each other in wars than they do realizing that it’s possible that the only difference between Allah and Jehovah is the language of the beholder.

So after a life wondering about all of this I have come to a very few conclusions. There is a power in this universe that burns the sun, spins the earth, revolves the moon around us, grows plants, animals and us out of dirt, blows the air, pulls water out of the sky, feeds everything and connects all of us. This thing seems(to me anyway) to be contained in and animate everything that there is in the world. Today I no longer think that this power is a bearded, vengeful, warmonger. Maybe we made god in our image instead of the other way around.

How many times have I been confronted by a store employee telling me about how I can’t come in and give them money because I’m not wearing shoes. I never really seem to have the time to explain to them why I’m barefoot before they think that my trying to talk to them about it is just my way of disobeying their “authority”. See it all started when I got terrible foot rot. This happened as a result of wearing shoes and no other reason. As soon as I quit wearing shoes the problem disappeared and never came back. It’s been years now.

The alleged reason for the requirement of shoes almost everywhere you go is that it protects people from spreading contagious foot diseases. Of course who ever thought up this crap failed to notice that in the absence of shoes there isn’t really much foot disease in the first place.

Sometimes I wonder if the employees and managers and owners realize they are blindly complying with rules not on the basis that they make sense, but instead, on the basis of being told to comply with said rules. How many times have I heard history teachers say that gassing Jews works only because the people were compliant and said nothing even though they new it was wrong, and that it couldn’t happen here because we aren’t like that. Oh well.

(This was a letter to the editor in some Sacto paper. It was then in Drop Out #2. It was written by my friend Pam. You can reach her at: Pam Davis 1901 P St. #27 Sacramento CA 95814. I am stealing/reprinting it because it more accurately sums up my feelings on what we call education then I ever could hope to.)


The title of the article should have been “Can we save our teaching jobs?”. Educators statewide, with the help of the theme-recycling media, love to create the image that they wish they could overhaul the schooling system but they just haven’t been able to galvanize enough support to bring in that tidal wave of change. The dialog was the same as always: Fortieth in the nation in per pupil spending, Multi-racial and non-english speaking student population, kids from broken homes, too many kids in each class, not enough school days in the year, not enough hours in each school day, teachers not committed enough, teachers burning out…

No one is willing to state the obvious, so I will. People calling themselves educators don’t really know anything about learning, or they do know in their hearts but are unwilling to acknowledge it. Learning, the kind that matters, does not take place inside the classroom. Just ask anyone about their schooling experience and whether they learned anything truly useful. Ask a parent who watches, really watches,their own kids when they are at home doing their own thing. Humans learn all the time just by being alive in the world! Teachers, administrators, educational counselors are trying desperately to justify their existence, and they have the nation duped. Structured schooling as we all know it and experienced it, is obsolete and ultimately damaging to actual learning, but to admit this would means thousands and thousands of school employees out of work.

The most direct and simple solution to the public school mess is to remove the compulsory attendance laws. The fact that the dropout rate is so high should tell us That kids don’t want to be there. The finger is always pointed at the drop out with the question “why did you fail?” The question should be “Why does everyone hate school? Could it be that school itself is a failure?”, or “What gives adults the right to force children to do things they despise? Can we honestly say, with the world as it is, that we know best?”, or “Why would it be such a disaster for children to play all day as they are growing up? Maybe they might learn something about life!”

If it were made optional whether to attend school or not, then schools might finally have to figure out what they are doing wrong, otherwise no one would show up. Any teacher that didn’t have something to offer would be out of a job. Any school that continued to structure itself in ways that are not about real learning would close down, because real learning is compelling, interesting, motivating and if you know kids you know they love it.

“They process the people like they process the food.” Whenever I was in school I didn’t want to do the things I was being forced to. When I simply refused to comply they would argue with me about how I didn’t know how negatively I was impacting my future. What I didn’t know then, and I do know now is that everything they had to say to me didn’t matter at all. All of their arguments were really just intimidation tactics. They were actively threatening me with confinement, banishment and the encouragement of abuse at the hands of my parents. The real lesson they were trying to impart on me was OBEDIENCE. This is one of the primary functions of the so called educational system, to intimidate all people into a constant state of submitting to authority. If you doubt this premise try out disobeying any of the hundreds of pointless orders given to you in one school day. If these people really knew what was best for our futures why would they actively encourage us to join the military, they did that to some of the boys my age who later ended up murdering and being murdered in Iraq. Also there is now a new slew of human toxicity problems due to the “anecdotes” they injected into all the desert storm soldiers. Those are really the actions of caring guidance givers.

You don’t ever need to argue with the school authorities about why you should or shouldn’t do this or that. Just ask them why, if they are RIGHT can’t they sway your opinion on the basis of superior logic rather than fear, intimidation and abuse.

Peter 118: Punk as F**k

So a new punk band has been burning up social media and the center of some controversy. Now some may be wondering what makes a punk band controversial in 2018? The fact that they’re unabashed Christians. Now for those who don’t think that’s punk, you’re missing the point. Punk is about challenging the status quo. In the 80’s it was Thatcher and Reagan. Well when the status quo is atheism and overly tight black jeans in our own stagnating scene, then a guy in tan cargo shorts singing about Jesus is Joe freaking Strummer. It’s not about whether or not you believe in God. It’s about whether or not you still believe in punk at a time where Nazis are a real and true threat on both sides of the pond. The musically cool thing about Peter 118 is the variance of influences. One track sounded like Riverdales, one like 80’s Bad Religion and another like old street punk. So check em out. And don’t be a jerk about other’s beliefs, unless they’re Nazis.

-C Fish