My World 6

Welcome to My World#6. I’m really starting to do these things quite a bit faster now. I’m getting a lot more help in the form of other people writing things for me. Living inside has been doing me good. Since I got clean 25 months ago I’ve gained about 55 pounds. On the down side, I lost another friend in a drug related murder. His name was Chris, he was from Arcata/Eureka. This makes number six in terms of just drug/alcohol induced or related deaths within my circle of relations in the last three years. I think I’m about done with the so called community here in the east bay. It doesn’t have much to offer me. It doesn’t seem like it has much to offer in general. Sure there’s a lot of political stuff going on, but what good is that if you are dead?

I’m hoping to move out of here next summer.

Also it looks like the city of Berkeley is going to finally get away with criminalizing sitting, sleeping and asking for change. Which definitely makes it time for me to go. Follow up from #3, the Bart cop officer Crabtree that murdered Jerold Hall for no reason was found dead hanging from his bedroom ceiling in what his girlfriend described as a “weird sexual practice”. Justice.

cult (kîlt) n.
1.a. A religion or religious sect generally considered to be extremist or false, with its followers often living in an unconventional manner under the guidance of an authoritarian, charismatic leader. b. The followers of such a religion or sect.
2. A system or community of religious worship and ritual.
3. The formal means of expressing religious reverence; religious ceremony and ritual.
4. A usually nonscientific method or regimen claimed by its originator to have exclusive or exceptional power in curing a particular disease.
5.a. Obsessive, especially faddish, devotion to or veneration for a person, principle, or thing. b. The object of such devotion.
6. An exclusive group of persons sharing an esoteric, usually artistic or intellectual interest.

I recently read a book that got me thinking about what we call manhood. It’s called Refusing to be a Man, by John Stoltenberg. The basic premise is that what has come to be called manhood is not a naturally occurring phenomenon. I always thought that was the case but I never really thought about how the whole thing was put into place. I couldn’t really put it all together in my mind until I stumbled onto the idea of putting the concept of “manhood” into the context of a Cult.

When I was younger I was apprehended by a cult called the O.T.O. or Ordo Templi Orientis. They did the usual cult things to get kids into their cult. They gave out a lot of free pot and speed. They attracted guys with the allure of sex from their women, and visa versa. They presented the promise of being able to reveal the mysteries and secrets of magical power and so on. Personally I was into the speed and the “free love”, so I hung out with them and they happened to move into the house where I was crashing at the time. I was lucky, I was such an addict that I was too interested in getting more dope in my arm, and I never ended up joining them. None the less when I started to back away from them, one of them tried to stab me. Every time I try to question them there are more implied threats of violence/death, even today. The reason I said that I was glad I never joined is because the penalty for unjoining or resignation is supposed to be death.

So any way once I started thinking about my experience with them I realized that it was basically the same experience as the one I had with being socialized into my gender role.

This goes in two stages:

1. Lures and Encouragement

2. Threats of violence or actual violence for lack of compliance

When I was little they tried to lure me into the manhood thing by showing me the advantages it held for me, power over the women, being higher on the hierarchy ladder, etc. They told me lots of lies about why it made sense to not have my emotions. They told me I was good and/or rewarded me when I played with guns and trucks and dirt and sports equipment. There are probably tens of thousands of examples but if you are male I probably don’t need to tell you about them cuz you already know. The basic equation is that if you act in accordance with how they defined your gender you get praise and encouragement.

On the other hand if I didn’t go along with their brand of manhood a very different reaction would occur. It would usually be something like, “when your father gets home I’m going to tell him and he’s going to…” or I would get beaten with something out of the drawer of the kitchen or they would laugh at me in a way to intentionally shame me. If it wasn’t my parents and it was my peers or my brother, they would call you a sissy and a faggot and if you didn’t immediately disprove that you weren’t a sissy then they took that as permission to beat you when ever they felt like it.

So today things aren’t much different. Out in the world most of the “men ” are still out there trying to prove their “manhood”. I’ve gotten pretty good at avoiding them, but sometimes it’s impossible. It’s always the same thing, they violate your space until you give some sort of reaction to acknowledge their action, then they do the physical intimidation thing to prove that they don’t have to abide by any sort of agreed upon social conduct. The stupid thing is that these are the same asshole’s who are constantly verbalizing the American worker’s mantra “yes sir, no sir, kiss your ass sir? oh, of course sir!”, at work. They are probably trying to prove their “manhood” all the time because they feel so powerless inside.

I find it most difficult to call people on their sexism when they are people inside the punk scene. I guess I still hold the fear instilled in me that if I question them they will take back their approval of me or that they will publicly question my “manhood” or that they will react violently.

There is this other part of manhood I noticed. It is the structure called hierarchy.

There were once kings. If the king abused, taxed and violated everyone equally no one would tolerate it, they would collectively kick his ass. However if every man was told that he was the king of his own family then he wouldn’t have to redirect the abuse back to the original abuser, he could just take it out on his wife and kids. This is the same way that manhood resembles a cult, there is someone at the top who receives all the benefits and privileges. This might sound a little weird but you know what they say.

A man’s home is his castle.

Furthermore it hasn’t been until lately that some women aren’t considered property. Also children are still legally considered property until they are eighteen years old.

So sometimes I get kind of discouraged because sometimes it seems punk is built on a foundation of “manhood” and not much else. It makes me wonder how much I want to invest (emotionally, physically, intellectually) into punk. It all seems like macho guys, subservient worshiping women, stratified classes that include a “ruling class”, arena rock star attitudes, etc.

I have been finding it increasingly helpful to try to define for myself what manhood could/should be:

A man should be emotionally, intellectually, physically and spiritually available to his partner.

A man should be emotionally, intellectually, physically and spiritually available to his children.

A man should be emotionally, intellectually, physically and spiritually available to his community.

A man should strive to nurture his family and his community.

A man should be responsible for respecting his connection to the Earth and her inhabitants by not harvesting resources beyond his own needs.

A man should not only be present for his own children but also to the other children in his community.

In a sexual relationship a man should be primarily concerned with the new life he may be creating rather than his own personal want for sexual release.

A man should find himself a gender identity through the experience of being a responsible, respectful man rather than proving it with sexual or violent conquest.

A man should take responsibility for speaking his mind to the other men and not withholding his opinions and feelings on the basis of their common gender.

A man should act in defense of his family and community in a way that might include violence but does not necessarily include violence.

A man should abandon the notion of POWER OVER.

A man should embrace the notion of POWER OF.

Finally, I thought I should reprint the page from John Stoltenberg’s book that set the spark in my mind.

“All the time I was growing up, I knew that there was something really problematic in my relationship to manhood. Inside, deep inside, I never believed I was fully male-I never believed I was growing up enough of a man. I believed the someplace out there, in other men, there was something that was genuine authentic all-american manhood-the real stuff-but I didn’t have it: not enough of it to convince me anyway, even if I managed to be fairly convincing to those around me. I felt like an impostor, like a fake. I agonized a lot about not feeling male enough, and I had no idea then how much
I was not alone.
Then I read those words-those words that suggested to me for the first time that the notion of manhood is a cultural delusion, a baseless belief, a false front, a house of cards. It’s not true. The category I was trying so desperately to belong to, to be a member of in good standing-it doesn’t exist. Poof. Now you see it, now you don’t. Now you’re terrified your not really part of it; now your free, you don’t have to worry anymore. However removed you feel inside from “authentic manhood”, it doesn’t matter. What matters is the center inside of yourself-and how you live, and how you treat people, and what you can contribute as you pass through life on this earth, and how honestly you love, and how carefully you make choices. Those are the things that really matter. Not whether you’re a real man. There’s no such thing.”

1. Are you afraid of your partner?

2. Do you feel like you have to walk on pins and needles sometimes to keep your partner from getting angry?

3. Has your partner ever hit, slapped, or pushed you?

4. Do you ever feel like you deserve to be punished?

5. Do you ever feel like you’ve done something wrong but you just can’t figure out what it is?

6. Have you lost all respect or love for your partner?

7. Is your partner very good to you most of the time — sometimes downright wonderful, but every once in a while very cruel or scary?

8. Does your partner drive you crazy or make you feel like you’re going crazy?

9. Do you find yourself sometimes thinking of ways of killing your partner?

10. Have you believed that your partner would kill you?

11. Have you been told by your partner that he or she would kill you?

12. Has your partner threatened to commit suicide?

13. Were you abused as a child?

14. Have you been forced by your partner to do something you didn’t want to do?

15. Have you lost all or most of your friends since you’ve been with your partner?

16. Do you feel isolated, like there’s nowhere to turn for help, and that no one would believe you anyway?

17. Have you lost a job because of your partner?

18. Do you feel emotionally numb?

19. Do you feel like you have to say that you’re doing okay even when you really aren’t?

20. Are you afraid to tell anybody about what’s going on in your life because you don’t want your partner to get in trouble or go to jail?

21. Have you ever been in a relationship where you could have answered yes to these questions, but right now you’re past all that?

Did you see yourself or a friend in that?

Five years ago, I could have answered YES!! to all of these questions and that’s exactly what I did. About 8 years ago, I was living in NYC, enjoying what I thought was a very grown-up life. I thought I was totally cool, bartending, making lots of cash, meeting people everywhere, doing lots of drugs and alcohol and living alone. One night I went to this club and this guy offered to sell me some ecstasy. That was the drug that was popular, and I never turned anything down. (The rest of this story will demonstrate where addiction took me and the types of pitiful decisions I chose to make.) So the x-dealer saw me as an easy target and hung around that night–I invited him to my house–the drugs continued to flow, etc. The next 36 hours is pretty much a blur but somewhere in there, during sex, the dealer freaked out and tried to strangle me. I was terrified…in a t-shirt and little else, I climbed out of my second story window and hung from a tree, crying, scared and still deeply under the influence. The dealer was quite a salesman–extremely good looking, dangerous and an excellent smooth talker. He told me he didn’t know what came over him, and a bunch of other lies just to get me out of the tree, back into what would be a den of hell for the next three years.

Most people might think I was pretty stupid to stay with this guy. To tell ya the truth–stupid is probably the last thing I am, or was. When I think about it now, it was partly my logical mind that kept me in this abusive relationship for so long. I thought I could change him, I could help him analyze his pain, help him overcome the tragedies of his life. Later on in the relationship, I vowed to not let him do these horrible things to other women (this was my martyr phase)–What were some of the horrible things he did to me? Aside from the near daily slapping, punching and kicking, he psychologically tore me down, to a point where I was no longer sure of anything. What little self- esteem I had left was completely gone. While I was with him, I allowed my relationships with my family to deteriorate–I lied to them, assuring them I was o.k., even though I wouldn’t call for 6 months at a time–I let the relationships with friends and co-workers go away, or if I did hang out I would focus all of my conversations around him and what he was doing (these times were rare because for the entire time we were together he hardly ever let me out of his sight). I was losing my identity, I was letting myself be dominated, out of fear for my life. Things in my life during that time hardly ever changed, I was eternally feeling stuck-stranded and sorry for myself. I now realize that much of my situation was a direct result of the fact that I am a drug addict and every time I put drugs/alcohol into my body, I don’t make good decisions for myself. I end up in places I don’t want to be and with people I don’t want to be with.

The day finally came where I couldn’t stand my life the way it was, I was sick and tired of being treated the way he was treating me and my pets. A kind of force came inside me that was completely centered in courage and faith–that I could get away and I could have a better life. One morning he tried to strangle me for the last time. I was able to get away–to get free. I went to a neighbors house and called the local battered woman’s shelter-they took me in for 9 weeks. They helped me get my life back together. I had to leave my faithful pets, my possessions, my job and all of my friends, no one, not even my parents knew where I was staying. It was the only way I could begin to find out who I was again. I got clean and sober the day I left him because it was obvious to me that my relationship to him was part of my addiction too. My life since I left him has been a slow process of recovery. It is amazing that even five years after leaving him I still sometimes hear his voice in my head–making cruel remarks–making racist remarks–making sexist remarks. My life is so different, my heart truly goes out to both women and men caught in this distractive cycle of hurting one another. I am sure today that the main ingredient in my leaving him was a gift of COURAGE that was probably with me all along , but for some reason I had to go through that horrible experience. The very sad part is that some people don’t get to survive domestic violence. Every year thousands of women and children and men die as a direct result of this senseless violence.

There is a way out of a bad situation–you have to leave! My situation with him was never going to change until I did something about it–if I had stuck around waiting for him to change, I might be dead today.

This life’s lesson was a hard one for me, it took not only years to learn, it took many more years to recover from.

My relationships today are for the most part healthy. I have learned how to say no, to say yes and to assert my hopes, needs and fears–there is a life after domestic violence!!!

I have learned that it works both ways:

How about these questions:

1. Is your partner afraid of you sometimes?

2. Are you jealous of your partner?

3. Do you need to know where your partner is at all times and with whom and doing what?

4. Are you very protective of your partner?

5. Do you consider yourself the ruler of your castle?

6. Do you feel like sometimes you have to put your foot down to straighten things out in your relationship?

7. Have you ever hit, slapped or pushed your partner?

8. Have you ever said “Don’t make me angry!”?

9. Have you ever threatened your partner?

10. Have you ever said something that your partner might consider a threat, even if you never really would do it or were just joking?

11. Have you ever said or thought “If I can’t have you, nobody can!”?

12. Have you ever thrown things or hit walls during an argument with your partner?

13. Do you find yourself “convincing” your partner on a regular basis to do things that he or she would rather not do?

14. Do you consider it important that things go your way?

15. Do you think that your partner sometimes deserves to be hit?

16. Do you think that your partner sometimes wants to be hit?

17. Have you ever found yourself smiling or laughing when your partner is hurt?

18. Have you ever intentionally harmed or broken something which was important to your partner?

19. Have you ever been afraid to tell someone about something that happened between you and your partner because you were afraid that they wouldn’t understand and that you would be in trouble (maybe even legal trouble)?

20. Are you sure that you don’t have an abuse problem because you see people around you doing worse all the time?

21. Have you ever followed your partner when he or she didn’t want you to?

22. Have you ever physically stopped your partner from leaving?

23. Is it important to you that others, particularly your partner, agree with you?

24. Do you find yourself answering questions here with “yes, but…”?

When I was fourteen I started dating girls. It was pretty much all about two people getting loaded enough to get through their anxieties and fears about being in the situation in the first place. After the first girlfriend, I ended up switching from the fear of being in a sexual situation to obsession with being in a sexual situation. All of the men/boys around me seemed to completely echo the sentiment. As much and as often as possible. Talk about it a lot when peers are around. I thought it was normal. Two days before I turned fifteen I was with my second girlfriend and we got drunk and ended up having intercourse. It was totally unplanned. It was my first time. Since it was unplanned, we didn’t have any birth control, we never felt like we could ask our parents to get us some cuz we weren’t supposed to be sexually active according to them. Being fourteen and fifteen we didn’t feel like we could go buy some at a store, that was too scary a proposition. Needless to say we got pregnant my first time.

This experience showed me one of my big lessons. All the Christians out there who say that kids shouldn’t have sex until they’re married and the folks who pass laws that say kids can’t have sex until they are eighteen are just not sane. First of all, obviously our creator made us so that we start procreating at 12-14. And for the legislators who aren’t basing their judgment on the idea of a creator, but instead on biology, kids are biologically ready to reproduce at about thirteen. Not only are they ready, the hormones create a very real urge. So irregardless of people’s legal or moral laws/codes kids will just start having sex at about fourteen. The real problem here is the way life is artificially structured so that your stuck in the situation where your someone else’s property until your eighteen, and not allowed to make the choices that are actually yours. So when ever a young person has a child while still a teen, they are immediately stigmatized as a bad parent. That’s a pretty nice introductory gift to parenthood right?

So many of you will be thinking that a teenager just isn’t responsible or mature enough to raise a child. Well I really want some one to show me who is. Mature, responsible parents have been sending their kids to war for thousands of years, telling them that their own aspirations are stupid and to give up because money is king, encouraging them to get drivers licsences and engage in one of the most deadly pursuits we have going today, pressuring them into jobs that damage the body severely over time. The list is endless.

Many of you will still be thinking that fourteen is too young to have kids. This could be easily solved with birth control. However they seemed to start raising the issue with me in high school after I already had a child. I think teaching about it in the sixth grade would be infinitely more valuable. You would also have to annihilate the catholic church which is so desperate for supporters and their money that they make up lies about how god hates birth control just so their congregations will give birth to more potential Catholics(donors). Lastly I think that most people think kids aren’t very emotionally mature at fourteen and don’t know how to get by in the world. Of course their not. They were trained to be that way at school. The first two years at school they teach you the basics of scholarly stuff. Then they repeat it over and over until your eighteen. Then you can go to college and learn how to get a job that pays more than the $4.25 an hour job that your high school diploma gets you. So where do you get an education on how to live in the world. You don’t. The corporate run government that creates the schools needs workers, not self sufficient people. They will never teach kids how to not be dependent on their system. Do they teach you how to farm, build a house, heal yourself, etc.?

I don’t think a person’s age has much to do with it. Most of the people I know who went through sixteen years of school only learned how to say “yes sir” and how to pick up a paycheck. And those are the exact same “mature” qualities they pass on to their own kids.

All of these things and experiences have brought me to a place where I spend a lot of time thinking, how is the whole thing supposed to work? How are families supposed to happen? I have been able to recognize that marriage was made up so that there would be a cultural institution to ensure that a nest is present for the future child to be raised within. I have also recognized that the severe power inequality between men and women has finally come to a head and the way marriage is supposed to be(man is king, woman and kids are loyal subjects) no longer functions. I don’t know if it ever did (I’m not that old). In my life time we have seen a transition from most of the marries lasting to 50% of the marries lasting. We obviously need a new plan.

All around me the activists and punks all seem to think that since their parent’s relationships were sexist or tyrannical, anything that contained commitment or monogamy would be the same thing. They seem to mostly decide to do casual sex and serial monogamy. I can’t seem to find a place in that thinking where a child could be raised.

I think this issue is totally key to our future on Earth because I think our assumptions of fault for the world’s ills always falling on “others”, is false. There have been tons of revolutions (most notably the American revolution) where the old tyrants were kicked out and the new governments would be ten times as bad as the old. I think it is totally obvious that this keeps happening because our problems are not just external, we carry them with us and when given the opportunity we abuse people and act out on them.

My father was emotionally unavailable to me. It was manifested in his “need” to work all the time. I am similarly unavailable to my child on account of my drug addiction. Punk rock would lead us to believe that it’s OK just because I’m not working all the time so it’s not the same thing. But it is the same thing. We constantly look at actions rather than patterns which is why we fail to see the bigger picture and is also why we can only change the clothes that our problems wear, rather than doing away with the whole problem. I really hope that we can find a way to give our internal problems the attention and care that they deserve. The alternative of production and consumption, whether it’s products or drugs, just pollutes and destroys us and the Earth.

Recently some weird things have been happening at the Gilman street project. People have been raising questions about what do we do when people in the scene here are acting with misogyny or sexually harassing others or even raping others. It’s not really weird in the sense that it’s unexpected, cuz it’s not unexpected to me. The first time it happened, I instigated it.

I was told quite a lot of stories about the singer of a band from the east bay. The stories included threats of rape, sexual harassing, and the beating of women. I made a flyer about the allegations and passed it out to the audience at the band’s show as they were setting up. Members of the band confronted me in Berkeley a few days later and said everything on the flyer was untrue. A while later somebody at a Gilman meeting brought it up and the membership decided to ban said individual until a committee could be formed to investigate the charges.

That sort of opened a channel to more things being brought to light.

Two weeks later at the next Gilman membership meeting a kid came forward and said another member of the club had gotten him drunk and tried to rape him while he was passed out. This was instantly a very heavy issue. The person he named plays a very important, pivotal role in the scene here in the east bay. The person accused is also a friend of basically everyone who was at the membership meeting. We decided to do the same thing as the last meeting, which was to ban the person from the club and form a committee to investigate charges against the person. My self and five other people have been appointed to collect facts. It’s a pretty weird position for us all to be in because we all have a personal and a business relationship with the person. I’m not saying anything I’ve been told is or is not true but one kid I interviewed told me that there are lots of other incidents with the person and that a lot of people have sort of known about it and not brought it up.

This brings me to the point of what I’m writing. As a scene we say things that are politically correct. We say that we do not tolerate sexism, sexual harassment and rape, but we do. We are these things. The first show I went to in 1983 a woman passed out from drinking too much beer. Immediately two guys grabbed her off the floor and put her in the back of their pick up truck. As they drove off to rape her about 4-6 other guys ran after the truck and jumped in the back. All the guys standing on the street laughed like it was hilarious that this girl was going to be gang raped.

The next thing I noticed was when a roadie for Blast! locked himself inside the side room of Gilman with a passed out girl, until some one kicked the door down and found her with her pants around her ankles. Those are the two severest things I witnessed.

Since then I’ve seen countless guys in bands(including myself) use women interested in a relationship, for “meaningless” sex. I’ve seen a member of NOFX piss on a woman another member of NOFX was having sex with. I’ve seen the whole band(NOFX) wake up a roadie and a woman he had sex with the night before by applauding and then announcing that by sleeping with the woman the roadie had won the “who gets laid the most times contest”.

I guess what I’m getting at is that we function in the same way as the society we seem to be against. Certain men get huge power within the scene and get away with anything.

Right now this is being called into question within the forum of membership meetings at 924 Gilman street. I sure do hope that we don’t drop it or let it slide.

A few years ago I read and heard about a group of women who were trying to get the united nations to include the unpaid work that women do world wide in the gross national product of all the nations. They basically wanted to raise the issue that women’s work isn’t just underpaid in the way we talk about the glass ceiling in the US(women are paid 63 cents for each dollar a man makes, for the same work). Most work that is traditionally done by women in the world is not paid at all. Child rearing. Cooking. House cleaning. The list is endless. I think this has developed as a way to keep women economically powerless, so they can’t leave.

Anyway I had an idea. Since you couldn’t really strike for wages, because it would effect the children most, I thought it would be interesting if there was a world wide strike where sex would be withheld until women’s unpaid work was paid.

You might be thinking that no one would be willing to pay women for there “domestic labor” because there is nothing being produced. This is exactly the problem. Women “produce” children, the most important thing there is and we collectively decide that since we can’t sell them (usually anyway) that they aren’t worth anything. What would it be like if we made people build other things for free. If we didn’t pay the doctor who operates on you, do you think she/he would care much for the quality of work, what about the people who build the cars and planes, those who build the buildings we live and work in? Do you think that they would even do it at all?

So anyway I don’t have a date to start or anything I just wanted to raise the question.

1 in 5 adult women will be raped at some point in their lives.

More than 4 out of 5 rape victims know their attackers.

1 in 15 rape victims contracts a sexually transmitted disease as a result of being raped.

1 in 15 rape victims becomes pregnant as a result of being raped.

Only 7% of all rapes are reported to police. By comparison, the reporting rate for robbery is 53%; assault, 46%; and burglary, 52%.

The number of women raped in 1994 is fifteen times higher than officially reported in the National Crime Survey.

The number of college women raped in 1994 is fourteen times higher than officially reported in the National Crime Survey.

Life’s Lesson was written by Cynthia
All else was done by me


My World 5

Welcome to my world #5. The card on the front is the Hierophant. He’s like the pope or something. This zine doesn’t have anything to do with the pope. He sucks. This summer marks one year I’ve been doing this zine. I put #4 on the last Fifteen CD which will be out octoberish(on Lookout!). I am living in Oakland once again. It is crazy here. Cupertino was very mellow. Where I live now people buy and sell crack cocaine and women at all four corners of the intersection I live at, including in our front yard. However my home is about 10 blocks from where I was born and consequently I feel a lot more grounded now. I also ended Fifteen since I put out the last issue. It had been almost 8 years, and an additional 6 years before that in two other bands. Something about being in a band makes you homeless all the time, it’s really not compatible with having much of a life. I needed a break.

Since I wrote “Further thoughts on rape and our community” in issue 1.5 I got some more information on my own situation. I had been able to remember two cases where I violated two different women. I have come in contact lately with a woman I used to hang out with in about 1986. She and I used to do speed and acid together. One night we were fooling around and we ended up more or less unclothed. It was the same situation as the other woman. By the time we were in that situation I thought consent was implied. With the aid of self-centeredness, her saying no seemed to not carry enough weight to override the implied consent of prior sexual activity.

I raped her.

Since she reminded me of this I’ve been thinking about why it never happened again. I’ve come to understand that people develop lifelong patterns pretty early on. So why didn’t I ever do it again? I started to notice a progression of the behavior of the woman I related sexually to. It was obvious from pretty early on that all the women I was with had been incested/molested as kids. When I was in the beginning of adolescence the women I was with seemed to get very petrified by any kind of sexual activity. As though it was bringing up old trauma. Then as we all got older something changed. The women I was with were a little older (as I was) and had already started to have some prior sexual activities with others. There seemed to be a flip from being terrified of it to throwing ourselves into it. A lot of the time it seemed to be two people who didn’t even really want to be with each other would be sexual just because they were both available for it that day. It really seems now like this:
You are a boy/girl who was molested as a child. You cut this part of your experience off. You hit puberty and the hormones start going. The prospect of being sexual with someone is terrifying. You start ending up in situations where your spending time with someone you like and end up with totally contradictory feelings. You start to fool around, it’s re-traumatizing you. You avoid situations like that for a while. However, your friends start giving you hell about why your still a virgin. You have a natural need to want to fulfill what is expected of you. You’ve gone through all the training that says your only a real man/woman if your having lots of sex. After a while something flips over and sexual activity becomes common place, even compulsive. It seems like when primary care givers in our childhood sexualize us we think for the rest of our lives that we need abusive or trivial or meaningless or overly casual sexual relations in order that we be taken care of and our needs be met. I guess I’m bringing all of this up because it’s always in my face no matter where I am. The activist/punk community in Berkeley/Oakland almost all seem to fit in this “category”. So to deal with it people take on the theory from the 60s(or was it from the Roman ruling class) that sexual relations should be totally noncommittal, emotionally uninvolved. They have built an ideology where, when people are in a committed relationship, that nessicarily means they are imprisoning each other. There seems to be almost no recognition of the fact that if a person has access to both his/her male and female energy then there would be no reason to trap someone else in a relationship. There would be no illusion of something missing, that needs to be gotten from the other. Anyway, it seems like the way sex is happening, compulsively and without caring, is akin to retraumatizing the people involved. Not to mention the possibilities of HIV transmission. For these reasons I can’t really invest to heavily in either of these groups any more. But, back to the original point. I raped a friend of mine. Why would I do that? I’ve never hit anybody since I was four. I’ve never been in a fight in my life. I’ve never been able to see other people fight without intervening. I get totally uncomfortable being around people acting inconsiderately of other people. So why could I think that it was OK to do that to her?

I found only a few answers.
(These are not intended to remove responsibilities for my actions. They are put here in hopes that maybe other men will be able to recognize similar behavior in themselves, so they can attempt to change.)

No matter what sort of public service announcements the TV/newspaper/school gods may put out about date rape, the overwhelming image portrayed of rape is that of a stranger attacking a woman he doesn’t know. This one put some wrong ideas in my head:
It’s not rape if you know the person.
If your not hitting them or tearing their clothes off it’s not rape.
If they consented to petting earlier that day it’s not rape.
If you have had intercourse with them before then they are obliged to give you sex whenever you demand.

None of these things could explain to me why I could live with causing another person suffering in that situation and not in any other situations. The answer I found to that was two-fold.

When I was four I started finding Playboy Puzzles in the cupboards and my parents home. After that I found magazines. After that I started finding the Spectator ( a local porno – newspaper) lying around the playground at my school. Then some of my friends somehow possessed other pornography, I guess they stole it from their fathers or something. As I got older I came to understand that all three cases of my violating a woman, had some relation to pornography. I learned a very important lesson from all of this material, male-supremecy. In the same fashion that white men get to own children and non-whites, they also get to own women. This thinking is totally linked and reinforced by pornography. The very fact that the women are no longer human and are instead a piece of paper makes ownership possible. You can own a piece of paper. You can make the piece of paper do whatever you want. You don’t ask the piece of paper about consent. The nature of what the pictures portray facilitates the thinking further. In the photo’s the women are always starving for sex. Unsafe sex. Violent sex. Humiliating sex. Degrading sex.

There is one particular element of male supremacy in the pictures. The woman is always dominated by or in a state of worship of the the male penis. In the photos and the films the woman is always portrayed as though the only thing that matters to her is having a man come in or on her. This pretty much eliminates any thinking where sex can happen without intercourse or be anything but intercourse. I think what this stuff did to my consciousness is got me to think that once someone consented to kissing or petting that if they said they didn’t want intercourse, for whatever reason, I would then think that they didn’t mean it or that they would change thier mind after penetration had happened.

I don’t know what all this means to you but I have heard of a policy at Antioch College in Ohio where they have defined different levels of sexual behavior and it is mandatory to obtain mutual consent to move to higher levels. The punishment for not complying would be expulsion. I don’t know about rules and people’s lives but I thought it was a very interesting idea.

I read a lot of this stuff in a book called REFUSING TO BE A MAN by John Stoltenberg. Compulsory reading for all men(if I were god). It’s published by Meridian.

I also wanted to express some gratitude to Spitboy, Fugazi, Los Crudos, Spark zine, Rock Candy zine, Spirals Upward zine, Fern zine for raising these issues in the punk scene. We didn’t all end up punks because we had good childhoods and emotional health.

This summer I had the chance to go to Canada. For many years I had dreamed that I would find something magical in Canada, but I had no idea what that magical something would be. The trip was great, nice people, most I met were of a spiritual nature, the food I ate there was really healthy for the most part and very close to where I was staying there was a juice bar. It being my nature to pick up almost every piece of free literature I find, on my last day in Canada, I took a “health ‘zine” from the juice bar. It wasn’t until I got home did a friend of mine read one of the articles titled, “Bras and Breast Cancer” and encouraged me to read the article.

I was amazed at the information in the article, it turned out that the article was my Canadian surprise! The article was written by Sydney Ross Singer who conducted a study of 5,000 women who wore bras. Basically, she was interested in how our lifestyles make us sick, and she found one. According to the World Health Organization, 70-80 per cent of deaths in North America are due to lifestyle. Wearing a bra is definitely a lifestyle choice for most adult women and it seems to be a social obligation for many young women as they begin to develop breasts. The link between bras and breast cancer is this: On a daily basis, for the entirety of our lives, we are exposed to many hazardous and cancer-causing agents. Toxins are in our food, air, water and in all the materials in and around our bodies. These toxins are processed by our bodies through our lymphatic system and bras definitely restrict the lymph nodes that are near our arm pits. Basically, the tight construction of the bra restricts the natural operation of the lymph node and traps the toxins and poisons in our system. The study by Singer made the direct connection between the amount of time women wear bras and the occurence of breast cancer. Women who wear a bra 18 hours a day have a higher rate of breast cancer than women who wear a bra 12 hours a day. Women who wear a bra 24 hours a day have the highest rate of breast cancer. Much to my dismay, many women reported wearing a bra 24 hours a day and when I started to ask some friends about this they agreed that some of them actually wear their bras continuously, on the advise of their mothers or women friends.

I started to ask myself why did I wear a bra. To be honest, I never was really crazy about the way my breasts looked. They always seemed kind of lumpy, definitely not perfectly shaped, as I had been trained to think that they were supposed to look, (ie. breasts pushed upwards for constant male “enjoyment”) But then I started to realize that I was really wearing a bra to mold my breasts so they would look like every other woman’s, and I believed the lie that my breasts needed “support”…BULLSHIT!! The fact is that my breast needed support because they were lazy from always being held “up” in a bra. By lazy I mean that, like muscles that haven’t been used in a while, my breasts became that way. I knew deep inside that my body was born with everything I needed to get along in life and I wasn’t born with a bra on!

Then came the decision, like many other things in my life there comes a time to reject the idea that I’ve carried around for years, the lies I’ve been taught by society about how to take care of myself. I decided to get rid of the bra. There are a couple of factors that helped me in this decision; 1) I want to live a healthy life and don’t want to die as a result of my lifestyle 2) I don’t wear “revealing” clothing, so it’s not totally obvious I’m not wearing a bra today 3) I hang out with people that are supportive of living the same way as I choose to live 4) I am trying to live my life without giving in to a concept/product that uses lies just to make a profit.

In my first couple of weeks during the de-bra-ing, I was a bit nervous. Would my job notice and tell me that I was in violation of some “dress code”? That didn’t happen. Would men look at me differently, with presumptions about my sexual availability? That didn’t happen. What did happen was I finally developed a “relationship” with my breasts, instead of treating them separately by putting them in this “sling”. And as the study by Singer concluded, women who quit wearing bras report complete recovery from pain, swelling, cysts, and lumpiness within weeks, this was my experience. My breasts, and the muscles around them are actually stronger.

I have become increasingly aware of how everything in our culture encourages women to wear bras. There are a couple of things in particular that are disturbing. The whole notion of giving young women “training bras”, what are they training for? A life of bondage and possible death? Last years rage of “Miracle Bras”…just the title is dismal. And most recently I saw a TV commercial that I grew up with…The Playtex 18 hour bra. Now that I know there is a direct link between length of bra wearing and breast cancer I find this product as harmful to women as a Virginia Slims cigarette ad.

It all started when I was in the third grade, A boy class-mate of mine started teasing me, saying he could see my boobs and I needed to wear a bra. He would not let up so being in the third grade I did what anyone would have done, I chased him. Chasing him made him tease me more but I was not going to stop and I would have kicked his ass if the principal did not catch us before I caught him. The principal asked us a few times what happened but all he got out of us was that the boy was teasing me. There was no way in hell either of us was going to say I was chasing him because he was teasing me about my boobs. When the principal threatened us with what I don’t remember the boy made something up. I agreed that that was what he was teasing me about and off to class we went. I think we were both glad we did not tell him the truth. When I was in the sixth grade I loved running. We would have races at lunch, I always thought I was fast. But I gave it up because my boy friends favorite joke was telling me I was going to get two black eyes when I ran. For a long time after this I ran with my arms very close to my chest so my boobs won’t bounce so much. I did not like that when I ran all the boys were looking at my boobs. Or boys making up tricks like asking you if you can touch your elbows behind your back or my boyfriend putting his arm around me and hanging his hand over my boob or boys asking for hugs so they can feel my boobs. It is sad to say but sometimes, even today, if a boy asks for a hug, even the seven year old I watch, I think they have some screaming ulterior motive.

Another time in the sixth grade two of my boy friends and I were hanging out at my house. These two boys decided it would be a good idea to attack me and see if they could take my bra off. They would chase me, catch me, grab at me, And try to unhook the back. I would get away and tell them to stop, they would for a few minutes and start again. Finally I had to lock myself in the bathroom and tell them to leave. All was forgotten because they were my friends. I just thought this was normal and accepted behavior.

In Jr. high all the boys were disappointed that I didn’t wear a white t shirt the day of the water balloon fights. As I got older there was less teasing and more staring and rude comments. So in high school of course we have swimming. In this class the boys and girls were split up so I was not too worried. (This is actually a funny story)All the girls are in the locker room admiring each others suits. A girl asks to see my suit so I lift up my shirt to show her the top. There is a group of about six girls around me And this girl says oh my god you have the biggest boobs. Well I knew that. I think she did too but seeing is believing. I have a million little stories but just one more from my high school days. I went into a donut shop bought some donuts and started to leave. I hear someone say “hey”. We stopped and looked, there were four boys about 15 or 16 sitting at a table. One of them looks at me and says kind of slowly, “You have the biggest boobs I’ve ever seen”. I just stood there dumbstruck. Chris left and I just stood there looking at this kid. Nothing came out of my mouth so I just left. Here I am today not as self conscious as I used to be. If I seem a little protective when you try to get close to me don’t take it personal I just have to protect myself. It just takes time to trust that someone is not just trying to cop a feel.

I was asked to write some stuff about punk and punks and changes in people’s lives and how we carry a lot of the internal emotional/intellectual disabilities from our society on with us even after we are punks. I think all these things can be put into a few separate categories.

Misogyny/Male supremacy

How you ever noticed how predominately white punk is?
Have you ever noticed any efforts to change that?
Have you ever noticed that most of the efforts to change racism in the scene are along the lines of groups of people whose purpose is to have violent confrontations with skins, racists, etc.?
Do we still think that we can just say that were not racist anymore and that racism is somebody else’s fault and the 18 some years of conditioning we all underwent is now just disappeared?
Have you ever wondered what it would be to take action to build communications/connections with people outside white punk rock?
Do you really think that some white kids can come up with all the solutions for the problems of race we have to face?
Do you think white kids can even see all the problems that there are?
Have you ever been to a show or other “punk” social happening and heard people spewing the same old shit ( racist jokes, “humorous” impressions, stories about being in fear in a situation for reasons of neighborhood or the color of people in there surroundings, etc.) and have everybody go along with it?
Have you ever been to a show and noticed people were totally unaware of the privileges they have because they are white?
Have you ever heard people use the poor condition of their neighborhood as proof of their manhood/punkness without ever really thinking about the fact that some people had to grow up, live and die there?
Have you ever done any of these things yourself?

Have you ever been to a show where people used words like FAGGOT, HOMO, GAY, ETC. to express that something was lacking in someone’s manhood?
Or to imply that someone wasn’t punk or hardcore enough?
Have you ever heard punks talking about how it was OK that somebody was gay so long as they don’t force it on “me”? As though it was in someone’s power or right to decide if someone else is OK?
Have you ever noticed that “heterosexuality” is forced on everybody, everywhere?
Have you ever noticed that the perspective being presented through music and spoken word is not only very white but very heterosexual also?
Have you ever found yourself engaging in these behaviors?

Have you ever noticed that about 85% of the people in bands are men(while more than half the people in the world are women)?
Have you ever noticed punks classifying music made by women as not “punk” because it lacked the ingredient “tuff/hard/macho/etc.” that they so desperately need?
Have you ever noticed women in the back and men in the front at shows?
Have you noticed, in your scene, that the only role available to women is that of “so and so’s” girlfriend?
Have you ever noticed that people in the scene think it’s normal and OK for guys in bands to use women for “anonymous” sex?
Have you ever noticed women in your scene competing over the most “desirable”(in most popular band/in position of most power) man?
Is that conducive to community?
Have you ever noticed the difference in language and content of speech when there are no women present?
Have you ever seen your scene expect women to do the majority of the shit work, and get none of the recognition or appreciation?
Have you ever heard someone in your scene use words like – betty, bitch, slut, tramp, whore, cunt, a good fuck or lay, etc. – to refer to a human being?
Have you ever heard punks in your scene engaging in “jokes” that are degrading to women?
Have you ever heard people in your scene bragging about sexual conquests with another person as though the other person was only valuable as a means of ensuring one’s manhood/womanhood in the eye’s of his/her peers?
Have you ever noticed the level of a persons “punkness” is permanatly linked to his/her gender identity?

Have you ever noticed, in your scene, divisions based on different levels of income, standards of living, neighborhood of residence, etc.?
Have you ever noticed divisions in your scene based on whether a person lives in a box, car, shelter, apartment, squat, house, under a tree, etc.?
Have you ever heard punks say things like “oh he’s a poser his parents are so rich..” ?
Have you ever noticed people in your scene divide themselves up between those who squat, those who rent, those who are homeless, those who go to college, etc.?
Have you ever noticed people in your scene being divided into groups where one values political information learned at college and another group values political information learned in the streets?

Have you ever noticed a feeling in your scene that some people are more important than the others?
Have you ever noticed a system of levels in your scene where people on different levels are given different “worths” (band members, zine writers, promoters, roadies, label owners, audience)?
Is there a “king” of your scene?
Do people in your scene use the word “scenester” to refer to certain people?
Do people in your scene tend to think that people’s ideas and actions are more valid if those people have been going to shows longer than everyone else?
If those people were around at the beginning of the scene?
If those people saw black flag, minor threat, the big boys, etc.?
Are the various forms of infrastructure in your scene(club, record stores, radio shows) run by a group or by an individual?
Are their official or unofficial “leaders”?

Have you ever noticed that success is defined the same way in your scene as it is for arena rock?
Have you ever noticed bands in your scene signing to huge labels saying they needed better distribution when they don’t really have anything to say anyway?
Have you noticed bands in your area charging 10$ and up for lps, cds, tapes(even though it only costs 2$ to manufacture)?
Have you noticed bands are starting to ask for four digit guarantees and are starting to complain about others not liking it when door prices exceed 5$?
Have you ever noticed how many people sell video and audio tapes of bands live shows for 10-15$ with out ever asking permission from the band or giving any of the money to the band?

Have you ever noticed people in bands, audiences, zine writers, etc., who talk about all the things that need to be done, all the changes that need to be made in persons lives, so that we can embetter our world and our fellows?
Have you ever seen any of those people doing any of those thing?
Have you ever noticed people in your scene using their political beliefs as a proof of their superiority over others and not as a motivator towards action?

I used to think if I didn’t use the word nigger than I wasn’t racist anymore. I used to think if I didn’t use the word bitch when women were around then I wasn’t sexist anymore. I used to think that if I was buying into the homecoming king shit that I wasn’t buying into hierarchical social relations. I used to think that so long as nobody “gay” was around it was OK to use words like faggot to dehumanize others.

I saw that there were serious problems with the way people were. Unfortunately I believed my parents, the TV, etc. when they said not engaging in those things was a simple matter of not saying a couple words, not doing a couple of behaviors anymore. They said that change would mean just those simple little things because they didn’t want to REALLY change. They didn’t want to really face institutional racism, sexism, homophobia, classism, male supremacy, greed. They wanted to be able to point the finger at somebody else and not have to examine their own lives.

Do you want to change? Do want to accept the fact that people shaped your attitudes over YEARS? Do you want to accept that it might take years to extract these things from yourself? It might even take your whole life?

Are you willing to accept that you are as much a part of the problem as anybody else?
Are you willing to give up the privileges you get from our society?
Are you willing to give up the idea of human domination over nature?
Are you willing to actually accept the fact that you don’t know it all and ask some one for help (oh how unmanly!)?
Or are you just looking for a mohawk, a place to be cool, a place to be superior, a place to prove your gender identity, a place to get fucked up and not take responsibility for your life?
I’ve engaged in most of these behaviors over the course of my life. It’s taken me a lot of work and time and willingness to change myself. To me it’s not about your lame and I’m not it’s about were all fucked and we need to support each other if we are going to ever get better.
Progress not Perfection.

Over the summer I was staying at a friends house a couple blocks from 924 Gilman St. He had bought the house from a guy who’s grandfather built it. His dad lived in it for fifty years. Instead of paying rent I helped my friend clear out the fifty years of shit the guy had there. One of the things I found there was a essay for school that a girl wrote sometime after 1906. It was titled “Berkeley As I Knew it in The Early Days” by Wilhelmine F. Bolsted Cianciarulo. It mainly just talks about the bottom of university ave. and the buildings, businesses that were built there. It talked about how it all used to be a swamp and about the horses and cows that used to hang out.

After I had read a few pages of it I got to the part where it says, “Thier house(the Sisterna family) was sold in 1906 and was moved to 10th street near channing way where it was remodeled. The family had one Indian slave named Pedro. He slept in the barn with the horses and was in demand at all times until he died.”

I don’t ever remember being told that slavery was even legal in California. I know they never said anything about slaves being here in Berkeley this century.

We seem to have a habit in our society. We rape, rob and murder, and then we demand that it either didn’t happen or that were past that now and it’s all behind us. We seem to lack a continuous Truth. They’ll release the Nixon tapes in a while and say it’s all behind us now. They’ll probably admit that the FBI and the CIA killed JFK, Martin Luther King Jr., Malcolm X, quite a few Black Panthers and hundreds of members, relatives of members and supporters of the American Indian Movement. They will undoubtedly say it was an honest mistake and the responsible parties are dead or retired so it doesn’t matter any more. Irregardless of whether or not we accept the insanity; that even though they admit willfully violating every law and commandment ever thought of, repeatedly across hundreds of years, they will not let it happen again. There is still in fact a continuous truth.

The ruling class use lies, murder, assassination(foreign and domestic), bombings, slavery (35 cent and hour prison labor {if you account for inflation 35cents and hour is probably worth less than the food and shelter that the slaves received in the old days}), terrorism, sabotage, divide and conquer, starvation, war, rape and economic violence to do what ever they want to whom ever they want and experience absolutely no consequences whatsoever. This will not change in a few years because of this circumstance or that circumstnce, it will end when thier means of control( police, army, media, division, war, everyone wanting to be the next “millionaire”) are either taken from them or destroyed.

I had another idea about our trash dilemma. If you built various long lasting holding containers for the various things you buy at stores, you could then leave the packaging at the store. This is completely legal, think about when you buy a candy bar, you obviously leave the wrapper in thier trash. What would that accomplish? Not much, but if lots of people did it Safeway/JewelOsco/etc. would incur huge trash collection costs fairly quickly. If people were adamant about it I think the manufacturers would have to listen. The only reason they get away with the current garbage/packaging nightmare is because we all agree to pay to have the packaging taken away and “disposed of”.

Last month, July 1996, a black man was shot to death four buildings down the street from where I live. He was shot four times in the face. He was a major crack dealer with an estimated 200 people working under him. My partner and myself went out for an hour to buy some food. When we got home the street was blocked off on both sides and we had to convince the cops we lived there just to go down the street. I went and looked at the guy. He was lying on the sidewalk. I guess I’m too desensitized from watching Television and living in an metropolitan area, cuz I didn’t feel anything about it for days. All the neighbors were all excited that something was actually happening.

A few days later my partner and myself planted a rose bush there for him. Then I started to see a chain of events that I imagine probably happened.

See, next door to us there is a woman who screams and threatens and beats her children. She must call them worthless at least 50 times a day. She also treats them like they are worthless and a burden. This seems to be a pretty recurring theme in Oakland. I hear it next door where ever I’ve lived in Oakland. Don’t get me wrong I’m not trying to say that this behavior is a result of them being black people. I’m pretty sure if you traced it back through people’s families it would originate with the white people who used to own them who would scream at them, beat them, and tell and treat them in a way so they would believe they were shit.

Anyway, I started thinking about the guy who got killed and the guy(s?) who killed him. They probably went through the same kind of childhood where life wasn’t worth much. It would make it pretty easy to kill somebody else or do things that would get you jailed or killed. So I was thinking that as the guy hits his twenties, there’s no work to be had. Meanwhile George Bush and Ollie North are busy importing tons of cocaine into the country. All around him in every form of media, during the 80s, greed and entrepreneurism was the order of the day. So low and behold this young black man tries his hand at selling cocaine and finds himself very good at it. Next thing you know he’s dead on the side walk with not so much as a face intact. And the media call it Black on Black crime. Even though the white people started it and facilitated it every step of the way.

Here are some numbers I got from the local library. It’s all from 1990-1995, so the numbers are probably higher now. The math is mine so things are kind of rounded at my convenience.

Number of cigarettes smoked a day world wide: 15,000,000,000
Number of cigarettes smoked a year world wide: 5,475,000,000,000
Number of cigarettes smoked per day in USA: 1,000,000,000
Number of cigarettes smoked per year in USA: 365,000,000,000
Profit per day on cigarettes(1$ pack)world wide: 750,000,000
Profit per year on cigarettes (1$) world wide: 274,000,000,000
$ made on cigarettes per day in USA($1/pack est.): 50,000,000
Profit on cigarettes per year in USA($1/pack est.): 18,250,000,000,
Number of people killed by smoking per year in USA: 390,000
Number of people killed by cigarettes per day in USA: 1068
Number of people killed by cigarettes per hour in USA: 44
One person is killed by smoking every 1.36 minutes in the USA
$ made on car sales per year in USA: 189,000,000,000
$ made on petroleum products per year in USA: 77,000,000,000
Number of car accidents per year in USA: 15,000,000
Number of car accidents a day in USA: 41,095
Number of car accidents per hour in USA: 1712
Number of car Accidents per minute in USA: 28
One car accident in USA every other second
Number of people killed in car accidents per year in USA: 40,982
Number of people killed in car accidents per day in USA: 112
Number of people killed in car accidents per hour in USA: 5
One person killed by a car accident every 20 minutes
Number of people injured in car accidents per year in USA: 5,000,000,
Number of people injured in car accidents per day in USA: 13,698
Number of people injured in car accidents per hour in USA: 570
Number of people injured in car accidents per minute in USA: 9
One injury due to car accident every 6.66 seconds
—————————————————————- FIREARMS
$ made on the sale of guns per year in USA: 9,881,000,000
$ made on gun sales per day in USA: 27,071,000
Number of people killed by guns per year in USA: 37,776
Number of people killed by guns per day in USA: 103
Number of people killed by guns per hour in USA: 4
One person killed in the USA by a gun every 15 minutes
$ made from alcohol sales per year in USA: $50,000,000,000
$ made from alcohol sales in USA per day: 136,986,000
One million dollars made from alcohol sales every 10 minutes
Number of people killed by alcohol per year in USA: 19,568
Number of people killed by alcohol per day in USA: 54
Number of people killed by alcohol per hour in USA: 2
One person killed in the USA by alcohol every 30 minutes
Number of people killed by drugs per year in USA: 11,703
Number of people killed by drugs per day in USA: 32
One person killed by drugs in USA every 45 minutes
Number of women REPORTED battered per year: 3 million
Number of women battered per day: 8,219
Number of women battered per hour: 342
Number of women battered per minute: 6
One woman battered every 15 seconds
Number of REPORTED cases of child abuse per year(USA): 1,700,000
Number of cases of child abuse per day(USA): 4,657
Number of cases of child abuse per hour(USA): 194
Number of cases of child abuse per minute(USA): 2.23
One case of child abuse every 18 seconds
Number of REPORTED sexual assaults per year(USA): 700,000
Number of sexual assaults per day(USA): 1917
Number of sexual assaults per hour(USA): 80
One sexual assault every 45 seconds
Number of REPORTED rapes per year(USA): 87,600
Number of rapes per day(USA): 240
Number of rapes per hour(USA): 10
One rape every six minutes.
—————————————————————– FEMICIDE(BY PARTNER)
Number of women killed by partner per year(USA): 1,500
Number of women killed by partner per day(USA): 4
One woman killed by her partner every six hours.
In 8 hours, the time you spent at work or school today, the following things will have happened:
1 woman killed by her partner
10 drug deaths
16 alcohol deaths
40 car accident deaths
32 gun deaths
80 women raped
352 smoking deaths
640 sexual assaults
1,552 children abused
2,736 women battered
4,560 car accident injuries
13,696 car accidents
In other words 1350 people were killed, 2160 cases of sexual violence, 26,544 assaults involving physical and/or emotional injury done to women and children, in one eight hour period. When some one in the middle east takes a couple of hostages or kills a couple of Americans we’re there bombing tons of innocent civilians in the blink of an eye. The real killer is our society, and there is no way to go to war with it because it is already at war with itself.

It is war.

Here is another way of looking at it. In my life(26 years):
39,000 women killed by thier husbands
304,278 drug deaths
508,768 alcohol deaths
982,176 gun deaths
1,065,532 car accident deaths
2,277,600 women raped
10,140,000 smoking deaths
18,200,000 sexual assaults
44,200,000 cases of child abuse
78,000,000 women battered
130,000,000 car accident injuries
390,000,000 car accidents
———————————————————————— Here are some more thoughts I had after reflecting on the statistical information I gathered:
1) The numbers on rape and sexual assault and child abuse should be multiplied by 3 or 4 to account for the majority of cases where it goes unreported.
2) Since there is one sexual assault every 45 seconds and 55% of sex assaults are done to girls under 11 that means there is one case of a kid getting incested or molested every minute and a half. I figure that an average case of a kid getting molested lasts more than a minute and a half, therefore a child is being sexually molested constantly in the USA.
3) Our way of life almost kills as many people per year as either world war did.
4) We don’t value ourselves or each other or life very highly.
5) If you divide the number of deaths per day by the amount of money made per day you get a figure of how much money they made per person killed, for that year, they are as follows:
Cigarettes – $46,816.48 per person killed
Autos+gas – $4,623,287.67 per person killed
Guns – $262,825.24 per person killed
Alcohol – $2,536,777.78 per person killed
6) A few states are starting to talk about suing the ciggarette companies for the amount of people who must be treated for smoking related disease with no insurance or state paid for insurance. They should also be suing the gas and car companies because there are far more car accident injuries per day than there are smoking related hospitalizations.
7) The government and media use numbers a lot to justify thier interests. I used to think that they just made up numbers, but they don’t have to. When you say 32 people died of drug deaths today it sounds like a lot, but it doesn’t sound like much compared to the 1062 people who will die because of cigarettes today(which are totally supported by government subsidies). So I think what it comes down to is that they are telling parts of the truth and most people don’t care enough to find out the rest for themselves.

However, I hear a lot of activists and punks talk about how “so many more people die of cigarettes and alcohol than drugs” and use it as a means of discounting the damage illegal drugs actually do or arguing for there legalization. They have killed 300,000 people in the USA in my life and they have killed seven of my friends in the last three years. Also it seems like the government/media aren’t actually opposed to preventable death, they are only opposed to the ones that could be turned on them(guns) and the ones that provide them with the opportunity to invade minority communities(drugs).If they cared about peoples health, they would be attacking cigarettes, which kill 33.3 more people than drugs do(which also translates to huge unpaid medical bills from uninsured smokers that the states have to foot the bill for). Also alcohol kills twice the number of people drugs do.

If they really cared about preventing violent death then they would go after cars(can you think of anything more violent than being propelled into cement or steel at 60-100 miles an hour?) not guns. Cars have killed more people than guns for decades until last year when they killed virtually the same amount of people. Furthermore if they were out to end violent why would they do things like war, atom bombs, etc.

I also noticed that the media is pretty screwy about it’s logic. They always talk about how most of the car death happen in this situation or that location or whatever. The reality is that all car deaths occur in cars, all car accident injuries invole cars. Also the media seems to like to put on all those cheesy partnership for a drug free America commercials which happen to be funded by the cigarette/alcohol companies, the biggest producers of chemical warfare on the people. But it kind of figures they would put out commercials that badmouth thier COMPETITION. So in conclusion I can only make one recommendation – run for it.

Bras and Breast Cancer was written by Cynthia
Stop Staring at my Chest by Kelli from Weekender (it was taken from weekender w/out permission actually)
There giving vouchers….. by Julia Vinograd
Change was written by me for Ed’s zine, I don’t know what it is called
I got a lot of info out of the nice woman at the Berkeley Public Library reference phone line
The rest was done by me.

My World 2

Disclaimer: This is not the property of P.I.S. we are a preservational home for this.

Welcome to issue #2 of My World. This should end up being a little shorter than #1.5. This time there are things by other people. The letter to the editor is by my friend Pam, who writes Drop Out Zine. The Black Panther Party 10-point program was written by the Black Panthers. The art was stolen from a book that was illustrated by Miriam Arguelles. In the next issue I would like to do reviews. Send me anything to review and I will find something I like about it(even if I mostly hate it). Only good reviews will be given, don’t confine yourself to just music and literature, please.

Lately I noticed two different things in the newspaper on the same day.
#1)The entire amount of tax dollars spent on the US nuclear arsenal from the very beginning to today is 4 Trillion dollars.
#2)The amount of the US deficit today is 4 Trillion dollars. I guess somehow they have most of the people here too strung out on TV, dope, work, etc., to notice that they spent 4 Trillion dollars that they haven’t even stolen(IRS) from us yet, to build bombs that we will never use. They will charge the future generations for this expense. It occurred to me that if we never built all those bombs that there would be no national debt. Yet the people in government keep playing the charade of “how do we balance the budget?”. I keep hearing the same rich white congress people who appropriated the cash for the bombs saying now that it is the fault of single mothers on welfare that there is a national debt/budget problems. They seem to fail to mention that these women are on welfare because: 1)The men left, 2)The most important work to be done in our society, raising kids, is economically devalued to the point where it is completely unpaid work, because part of the patriarchy we live inside of states that women, children and people of color are our(white males) servants and they don’t need to be compensated for their labors. If you paid a woman $5 an hour for childrearing, which is a 24 hour a day job365 days a year 19 years long: 5x24x365x19=$832,200. This comes to 43,800 a year, $3650 a month, as opposed to the $400-600 a month they receive on welfare.

Once again the people who set these policies are blaming the victims of their bad planning for the fact that the system doesn’t work. This stuff makes me want to further both the group and the idea, Food Not Bombs, as much as I can.

Also I’m sort of thinking it might be a good idea to collectively go to the “defense industry” and return the useless missiles for a full cash refund. 4 Trillion Dollars.

The other day I went on the Friday the 13th critical mass and saw the ride fall apart due to what seemed to be a near consensus opinion that it was more relevant to go to a party than to do the ride. I don’t want to go into details, that’s just the way I saw that day(probably heavily misconstrued). What I did want to bring up was the things that bond the members of our community. I never thought of it much until lately I decided to abstain from Heroin, Cocaine, Speed, Acid, Pot, Alcohol, Sex, Coffee, Cigarettes and then later Sugar. Until then I never questioned the fact that almost every bond made in our community was made of the above mentioned items.

I think there are a few reasons for this lack of questioning(that we wouldn’t accept in other areas of our lives). First, I think we have a large vested interest in not acting in an authoritarian manner towards other people. I know I have a lot of trips with this one, as my parents had me locked up(beatings, mental hospital, jail, juvenile hall, group home, non-consentual homelessness at 14) on numerous occasions for things like suspicion of possession of pot(they have been on alcohol every day of my life). Second, I think that we use the nessecary drug etiquette(some things not being OK to talk about for legal reasons) as an excuse to not deal with some things at all. Third, I think we all contain some of our societies alcoholic condition of denying the existence of some of the things that are so obviously with us.

I’ve noticed that a lot of us hold the idea that some(heroin,cocaine, speed and sometimes alcohol) chemicals are bad for the formation and stability of community. But for the three reasons mentioned above it seems to be shunned to hold that same idea about pot, acid, sex and the other so called soft-drugs.

I saw all of us(including myself) do nothing when some of us(including myself) would do occasional to regular use of the so called hard drugs. I thought it was not my place to do or say anything because of the aforementioned experiences with my parents. This way of thinking dictated to us the idea that we had to sit and watch our brothers and sisters die if that was the direction that they were headed. I certainly don’t want to ever promote trying to interfere with a persons right to do whatever the hell they want to, but I don’t think that means we have to be silent among ourselves about some peoples actions troubling us. I think there may be some sort of middle ground between becoming what we hate and suffering in passive silence.

I have watched relationships loosely based on using chemicals and sex form and disappear over and over. The only relationships I’ve seen last very long in my own realm of reality are the relationships formed while undertaking actions like squatting over the last four years, the people I’ve meet while actively dealing with the universities attacks on the park, the people I’ve gone to jail with over all the attempts to go across the bay bridge with out a car, the people who do Food Not Bombs with very clear intentions of getting the food out, and the woman I traded blood with in order to become siblings.

In the last decade I’ve learned all that I know about how oppression is maintained. It seems to me that one of the biggest tools that they have is divide and conquer. It took quite awhile longer for me to recognize how easy it is to divide people whose bonds are mainly composed of getting loaded. I also thought I was over reacting in my thinking until I went over a mental list of how I had come together with all the people that I did work with and how different my bonds to those people seem to be just in the absence of a few drugs. Just remember It’s no big deal.

How many times have I heard some human in a suit or a frat costume telling me to get a job, as though an absence of a job means something besides not having a job. I could work at McDonalds(and destroy the peoples land in south america, torture cows with factory farming, poison people here and encourage people to not cook for themselves), I could work at a book store( and destroy the chances of our kids having trees and air to breath next century), I could work at a bank( and uphold the current situation of a few people having more wealth then they could possibly know what to do with, while most people are their indentured servants), I could work at the auto factory( and help put millions of tons of toxic waste into our childrens air, while encouraging people to drive which makes the air putrid, kills more people than guns annually and make us fat and lazy), I could work for the fruit industry( and ensure the subversion of third world DEMOCRACIES by our secret military), I could work for the police(and contribute to the imprisonment of almost exclusively young, poor, black males, does genocide ring a bell), I could work digging metals or oil out of the ground(and ensure the further poisoning of the earth), I could get a job with the U.S. military(and keep the world safe for economic exploitation of the third world, world domination, weapons manufacturers profits, capitalism. Mean while your tax dollars buy overpriced bombs to kill people, towns, communities just like you), I could get a job making or selling cigarettes( which will kill our fellow people), I could get a job at a hospital(and teach people anything but how to live in a way so that they wouldn’t need hospitals/drug people for not conforming to the mental/emotional paradigm), I could sell real estate( for such high prices that people will be indebted/enslaved forever), I could rent people houses to live in( at prices so high that people will have to work for others for the rest of their lives), I could build houses for a living(and destroy all of the other living creatures houses), I could work at a grocery store( and ensure that people don’t learn how to grow their own food), I could work at a coffee shop( and keep everybody on legal low grade speed).

Additionally, any job I could get would invariably uphold the fundamental capitalist principals. For example, large amounts of goods costs less per unit while less amounts of goods cost more per unit, no it’s not just the typical drug dealer economics, it’s also a way of ensuring that the few with all the cash(THE RICH) are the only ones who get the advantage of buying in large quantities therefore ensuring that they will remain rich and dominate forever. Remember you may get a little piece of this “pie”, but never enough to make you or your people free and never enough to buy back this world which was stolen from all of us. Lastly, many of us use the excuse that we need to pay rent as a way of justifying being anothers slave, it would be good to remember that we live on what was and is rightfully Native American land. Rent is only a scam dreamed up by those who falsely claim to own this continent.

How many times have I heard the teachers say that it’s too late to make amends for the fact that we almost completely genocided various Native American peoples. It just happened. To bad. Really it’s no big deal, just cuz we killed 15 times as many Indians as Hitler killed Jews. We sure have a lot of shit to talk about Germany, but none about ourselves. It makes sense that the establishment justifies the slaughter of 90 million with the acquisition of enough land so that every white man can have 100 kids and each one can cut down their own forest, and so on. It doesn’t make as much sense that we echo that same sentiment today, seeing as how we don’t recieve the rewards of the slaughter anymore. We don’t get all the free land that they clear(KILL) the people off of. We don’t get shit. We get 40 hours a week and enough left over after rent, bills and taxes to buy a little beer or crack to forget our misery for awhile. We get enough credit to keep us indebted and enslaved for the rest of our lives.

So anyway back to our history teachers. They try to convince us in one class about, America and justice and truth and what’s right, and at the same time that it’s OK to kill for land, enslave for labor, torture for control, etc. They say that there is nothing we could do about it now. They always admit to what happened after the fact and then they say”oh it’s too late to do anything about it”.

If you got caught today for theft and was prosecuted you would have to pay restitution(they would call this justice). If you told the white men that they would have to pay restitution for the land stolen from the Indian, you would be told to live in the real world. When our so-called educators tell us it is too late to make up for what we did, it just means that they are afraid of losing the privileges and convieneces brought/bought by genocide and slavery and “civilization”. It means we as a race don’t today have the courage to make amends for what we did. It means like our parents, we are afraid to have to fend for ourselves in a world where humans are not on top of a food pyramid but rather part of a food chain like biology teaches us.

In this last year the white buffalo was born.

In this last year I have witnessed the return of rains and the return of one snowy white egret walking slowly up one of the few remaining streams in Berkeley(Strawberry Creek), swooping on fish and bugs out of the creek. I think that there will be many more pieces of nature coming back into our world(cities) to be at home again. I hope that this time we have the sense to learn respect because this time I think if we are unwilling to adapt and take our rightful humble place then there will be no place for us at all.

It has always bugged me how the society that: covers the entirety of our urban areas with cement, burns petroleum like there’s no tomorrow, utilizes nuclear power before knowing how to deal with the by-products, establishes “safe” levels of poisons in our food, cuts down the vast majority of the trees that create the oxygen we breath has the nerve to put up signs that say shit like “don’t litter”. Like in the center of an entire culture of shit, whether my candy bar rapper goes in a garbage can or on the cement really matters. The rulers get to(only because we let them) define what trash is and isn’t. If I put my little bit of trash in the garbage can then I’m supposed to feel good about myself. Where does it go from there, in the ground. A little bit more poison in the land our food grows in, the water we drink, the air we breath. Is there really somewhere good to put trash? Outer space? Why don’t they ever bring up not making the trash in the first place? Probably because government and multi-national corporations are the same entity. They think that it’s more important to sell us a ton of crap that we WILL drown in rather than give up their control of the Earths resources and our lives and minds and bodies. I don’t really know what the answer is but I have met many people who have learned how to deal with their needs by their own work. Some of the things I’ve seen are, gardening rather than safeway, sewing rather than the gap, welding bikes rather than ford, squatting and camping rather than rent, etc. They all cost less or nothing and there is no packaging to be buried later.

One more idea I had was to somehow(I’m not trying to encourage crime or anything) disable the cities garbage collection and removal systems, so that people will be forced out of their denial about garbage going somewhere appropriate. We would then be realistically facing whether or not we want to live in a dump or not, when we don’t think it’s just going somewhere else.

Right before I got kicked out of High School I took a biology class. Every time I went to the class I noticed things that are supposed to happen in the world, according to biology, that are against the “LAW”. When we eat food we are taking in nitrogen from our food which originated in the soil. We are supposed to return that by urinating and defecating on the ground, an act which happens to be illegal. So instead we build immense systems of pipes under everything, send our waste to a place where we add tons of chemicals to it and then put it in the water we drink, fish and swim in. When we die we are supposed to rot back into the ground. That is the least we can do to play our part in the cycle we call the food chain, however you would get in serious trouble if you got busted putting a friend or relative who had passed away in the ground in your backyard. At night time you are supposed to go to sleep. If you don’t subscribe to the reality of wage/rent slavery, then any way you deal with your need for shelter/warmth at night is totally illegal. If you don’t own/rent a piece of land it is illegal for you to go to sleep. It is illegal to have a fire to keep warm in many places. It is illegal to hunt. It is illegal to use the resources around you to make yourself shelter because everything is already privately owned or is “public property”, which means that since your a part of the public, you don’t get to use any of it. Go Figure? Unfortunately, laws can’t eradicate the need for things like sleep, shelter, urination, deification, burial, etc. they can only attempt to eradicate the people who are landless.

My parents used to always say that god/religion is for people who couldn’t deal with the real world. Of course they drank alcohol every day so I guess that means they couldn’t deal with the real world either. Anyway, as a result of their abandoning of their parents faith/churches I was never brought to even one church service by them. While I lived with them I went along with the party line of “fuck god and all that stuff”, without really thinking about it much. The kids next door had to deal with a catholic upbringing and they told me all sorts of crazy things about how god keeps a book of all my good deeds and bad deeds and how it would be tallied at my death and I would be sent to heaven or hell. There were so many obvious contradictions in what their parents said about their religions(peace, goodness, justice, truth) and what they did in real life(violence, anger, constant punishment, lies), I figured all their god stuff was crap(as my parents told me). Later on I learned about the reality of the history of christianity. Murder, slavery, war, genocide, theft, rape. At this point in time I thought that the above crimes against humanity were evidence of the nonexistence of god.

After awhile I got put in juvenile hall for being myself and all there was to read was Sweet Valley High books and the bible. Needless to say I read the entire set of sweet valley high books before I even considered opening the bible. Eventually though I did open the bible. I read it about ten or twenty times. Alot of it seemed to say “god’s peace” in between the various accounts of wars. It seemed a little weird. However some of what it said seemed totally right on. Which really blew my mind, because all the christians I knew wanted nothing more than to be super-rich. Yet their bible seemed to say that it was easier to get a camel through the eye of a needle than it is for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. Plenty of these people seemed to support things like WWI, WWII, dropping nuclear bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki, destroying the people of Viet Nam, ruining the lives of the soldiers(children) we send all over the earth and capitol punishment even though their bible say that “thou shall not kill”. There are about a million other examples that I don’t need to mention cuz we have all seen them a thousand times already. Anyway, I was left with the idea that all the religion stuff was probably crap, but maybe the problem was all the people that claimed to be christians were fakes. Later on in life I found myself at my friends moms house and I was on some acid. My girlfriend was suffering from a pretty bad case of strep throat. I couldn’t get to sleep, so I ended up sitting there watching her sweat and cough and look miserable. For the first time in my life I felt really powerless over something. I didn’t really know how but I got on my knees and in my head asked for god or whatever It is to help her feel better. About fifteen seconds later she started sweating profusely and broke her fever. Moments later she proceeded to awaken and tell me how she had a dream that an encompassing light came down over her head and made her well. At this point I had to reassess my thoughts about god.

About a year later I was living in a house in north Oakland renting the couch in the living room. There was some weird people living with us who belonged to this cult thing called the OTO. We would do lots of speed and talk about all kinds of voo doo, magic, etc. By this time in our lives we had all read the bible enough to be familiar with it. So anyway one day on the TV news we saw something incredible.

In the book of revelations 6:12/6:13 it says, “I looked when he opened the sixth seal, and behold there was a great earthquake; and the sun became black as sackcloth of hair, and the moon became like blood. And the stars of heaven fell to the earth…” Also 8:11, “..A third of the waters became wormwood, and many men died from the water”, and 9:9, “And they had breastplates of iron, and the sound of their wings was like the sound of chariots with many horses running into battle”, and finally 13:18, “Here is wisdom. Let him who has understanding calculate the number of the beast, for it is the number of a man: his number is six hundred, three score and six.”

We were all sitting around watching the local evening news because we wanted to know what was going on with the US – Iraqi conflict. In one half hour we saw the following: an earthquake, a shot of the sun turning black as a result of the burning oil wells, the moon was red in another shot also as a result of the burning oil, lights(scud/patriot missiles) falling from the sky, Oil pouring into the sea, turning the water black, in the same place where that community desalinated the sea water to drink, helicopters flying, and after all that we heard the news caster casually refer to UN resolution 667 in regards to the conflict. That one was too much so I went straight to the library to find out what resolution 666 was. It said something like this: The UN holds sole(soul) power to relieve human suffering in Iraq.

That is in regard to the fact that a previous resolution says that it’s illegal for anyone to sell or give any food, clothing, medicine, etc. to anyone in the country of Iraq. I remembered various Berkeley paranoid conspiracy theories about how the story in the bible about the beast establishing one world government right before the end. Once again I had to rethink the god thing again.

Later on I got to a point in my life when I needed to stop using drugs and alcohol and I tried to do it myself and I couldn’t. When I found some people who had found some success with their drug/alcohol problems, the majority of what they had to tell me about how they did it was that they didn’t do it, cuz they couldn’t. This made sense to me on account of the fact that I had tried to do the same thing and failed time after time. They said that it only worked when they found a god/higher power/creator/deity of choice. This has also been my experience. I feel pretty lucky today that I never got forced into any kind of religion, church or whatever because most of that stuff that I’ve seen sucks.

Lastly, One of the people who lived in the house who lived with me left the area to live in a monastery and be a monk. At first it seemed like it had to be a bad thing that he was there because it is a christian monastery. I saw him later and he gave me a book that he had written with some other people from the monastery. This book answered one of my first questions about christianity. One of the major(to me anyway) points of the first part of the book was that Jesus is the only way to God. Jesus example/life seemed to consist of honesty, poverty, anti-imperialism, humility. Most of the churches that claim christianity seem real heavy into deceit, wealth, supportive of America/American Imperialism and social status games. When Jesus said I am the only way to god, he cut out the middle man. When the churches say that you have to give them 10% of your earnings and that you have to go to them to find Jesus, they have bastardized the whole thing back into a business. One of the other things I’ve noticed about most of the world religions is that they all say “I am the only true God” in there somewhere. For some reason people have an easier time killing each other in wars than they do realizing that it’s possible that the only difference between Allah and Jehovah is the language of the beholder.

So after a life wondering about all of this I have come to a very few conclusions. There is a power in this universe that burns the sun, spins the earth, revolves the moon around us, grows plants, animals and us out of dirt, blows the air, pulls water out of the sky, feeds everything and connects all of us. This thing seems(to me anyway) to be contained in and animate everything that there is in the world. Today I no longer think that this power is a bearded, vengeful, warmonger. Maybe we made god in our image instead of the other way around.

How many times have I been confronted by a store employee telling me about how I can’t come in and give them money because I’m not wearing shoes. I never really seem to have the time to explain to them why I’m barefoot before they think that my trying to talk to them about it is just my way of disobeying their “authority”. See it all started when I got terrible foot rot. This happened as a result of wearing shoes and no other reason. As soon as I quit wearing shoes the problem disappeared and never came back. It’s been years now.

The alleged reason for the requirement of shoes almost everywhere you go is that it protects people from spreading contagious foot diseases. Of course who ever thought up this crap failed to notice that in the absence of shoes there isn’t really much foot disease in the first place.

Sometimes I wonder if the employees and managers and owners realize they are blindly complying with rules not on the basis that they make sense, but instead, on the basis of being told to comply with said rules. How many times have I heard history teachers say that gassing Jews works only because the people were compliant and said nothing even though they new it was wrong, and that it couldn’t happen here because we aren’t like that. Oh well.

(This was a letter to the editor in some Sacto paper. It was then in Drop Out #2. It was written by my friend Pam. You can reach her at: Pam Davis 1901 P St. #27 Sacramento CA 95814. I am stealing/reprinting it because it more accurately sums up my feelings on what we call education then I ever could hope to.)


The title of the article should have been “Can we save our teaching jobs?”. Educators statewide, with the help of the theme-recycling media, love to create the image that they wish they could overhaul the schooling system but they just haven’t been able to galvanize enough support to bring in that tidal wave of change. The dialog was the same as always: Fortieth in the nation in per pupil spending, Multi-racial and non-english speaking student population, kids from broken homes, too many kids in each class, not enough school days in the year, not enough hours in each school day, teachers not committed enough, teachers burning out…

No one is willing to state the obvious, so I will. People calling themselves educators don’t really know anything about learning, or they do know in their hearts but are unwilling to acknowledge it. Learning, the kind that matters, does not take place inside the classroom. Just ask anyone about their schooling experience and whether they learned anything truly useful. Ask a parent who watches, really watches,their own kids when they are at home doing their own thing. Humans learn all the time just by being alive in the world! Teachers, administrators, educational counselors are trying desperately to justify their existence, and they have the nation duped. Structured schooling as we all know it and experienced it, is obsolete and ultimately damaging to actual learning, but to admit this would means thousands and thousands of school employees out of work.

The most direct and simple solution to the public school mess is to remove the compulsory attendance laws. The fact that the dropout rate is so high should tell us That kids don’t want to be there. The finger is always pointed at the drop out with the question “why did you fail?” The question should be “Why does everyone hate school? Could it be that school itself is a failure?”, or “What gives adults the right to force children to do things they despise? Can we honestly say, with the world as it is, that we know best?”, or “Why would it be such a disaster for children to play all day as they are growing up? Maybe they might learn something about life!”

If it were made optional whether to attend school or not, then schools might finally have to figure out what they are doing wrong, otherwise no one would show up. Any teacher that didn’t have something to offer would be out of a job. Any school that continued to structure itself in ways that are not about real learning would close down, because real learning is compelling, interesting, motivating and if you know kids you know they love it.

“They process the people like they process the food.” Whenever I was in school I didn’t want to do the things I was being forced to. When I simply refused to comply they would argue with me about how I didn’t know how negatively I was impacting my future. What I didn’t know then, and I do know now is that everything they had to say to me didn’t matter at all. All of their arguments were really just intimidation tactics. They were actively threatening me with confinement, banishment and the encouragement of abuse at the hands of my parents. The real lesson they were trying to impart on me was OBEDIENCE. This is one of the primary functions of the so called educational system, to intimidate all people into a constant state of submitting to authority. If you doubt this premise try out disobeying any of the hundreds of pointless orders given to you in one school day. If these people really knew what was best for our futures why would they actively encourage us to join the military, they did that to some of the boys my age who later ended up murdering and being murdered in Iraq. Also there is now a new slew of human toxicity problems due to the “anecdotes” they injected into all the desert storm soldiers. Those are really the actions of caring guidance givers.

You don’t ever need to argue with the school authorities about why you should or shouldn’t do this or that. Just ask them why, if they are RIGHT can’t they sway your opinion on the basis of superior logic rather than fear, intimidation and abuse.

My World 1.5

Disclaimer: This is not the property of P.I.S. we are simply posting to give it another home.

Welcome to issue 1.5 of my magazine. I decided to split it off from the lyric sheet in order to not continually waste paper on the same lyrics in different issues. I am including most of the non-lyric part of the first one so that I can cease printing of it(since I decided to split zine from lyric sheet). I hope you find something useful in here, if you don’t please give it to someone who might. Thanx.

These are the things I’ve learned about housing. There are hell of people without homes. Most of us don’t understand why. We think that maybe some experts can figure it out and fix it. The governments experts don’t seem to ever come up with any satisfactory explanations or plans for helping. We wonder why. As far as I can figure there is one fundamental reason people are homeless. This is the idea of the Earth belonging to an individual or group of individuals. I say the “idea” because it is not a fact. You can’t pick it up and take it. When you die you don’t retain it. It is not really someones possession because they write “this is mine” on a piece of paper. Once we decided we could own part of the Earth, it cleared the way for people to have a mad dash to get as much of it as possible. The inevitable result was the future generations(us) not having a place to be. So then the people with the much RENT some of it to the people with the none. Somewhere down the line things like the industrial revolution happen and people stop teaching their children how to deal with the needs in their lives because their all to be found at the store and all you have to do is one task and you get money to pay people to do the other things for you. Before you know it this is what we consider normal and are incapable of functioning in any other setting, making us a sort of slaves.

A few questions you might want to ask your self as you walk by homeless and think to yourself “what a hassle”. Is this person a victim of WWI,WWII,the Korean war, the viet nam war, the gulf war? would I be able to retain my sanity after such an experience? Is this person a victim of the governments flood of cocaine and heroin and alcohol? Is this person a victim of Incest or child abuse? Is this person a victim of domestic violence? Could I retain my sanity after these experiences? Is this person a victim of physciatric pharmacology? Is this person a victim of electro-shock, Is this person someone who wasn’t always homeless and lost their job and then their housing? If I lost my job for a period of months would I have a place to live? Would my landlord let me slide for months? Am I blaming this person for the fact that they are homeless or am I blaming the system of thought (which I partake in) which actually makes people live without shelter?

I’ve also noticed that people who rent and work make a ton of excuses for their landlords and bosses. Shit like “well he’s nice for a land lord” or “she’s not as bad as the other bosses I’ve had” or “he’s not bad he let me slide a couple of days on the rent”. You would not make those excuses if a black man robbed you on the street but you would for the white man who robs you the first of every month. If a stranger came up to you on the street and force you to work for him you wouldn’t excuse it but you sure would for your boss.

These are some things I noticed latter about housing.

There are more vacant housing units in every urban area in america than there are homeless people. They are kept vacant with wood and screws and nails and nuts and bolts and fear. The last one fear is the hardest one to overcome, the rest of it is a simple matter of tools. Number 1- your brain, you need to find a house where the neighbors won’t call the cops on you. There are a couple of ways to do this. First you can find a house that is easy to go in and out of without anybody being able to see you, this could be no neighbors, or trees and bushes in the way of the neighbors view or whatever works. Secondly, you could make friends with the neighbors. My experience is that poor black people makes friends easier than others(although sometimes people are pretty suprising). Also I’ve noticed that if you party to hard in your home the neighbors will stop liking you and start calling the cops on you because they are probably already are scared shittless of the crack/heroin thugs in the neighborhood. We have tried to remedy this problem in the past by making rules against the use of certain drugs. This has not ever worked for us. One thing always leads to another. People will complain that you get to smoke pot and they don’t get to shoot speed so that makes you a hypocrite and their just gonna do what ever they want from now on etc. This situation has lead to the end of every house I’ve been a part of taking over. And recently has lead to the death of a teen ager by heroin overdose. My only recommendation in this area is if you don’t want a vampire in your house don’t invite him in.

On to more tools. Since the houses are generally closed with plywood and nails and/or locks, usually all you need to get in is a crowbar and bolt cutters. Also you need courage, if you are too scared of making noise breaking in you will never get in. However if you are confronted by someone who is threatening police action leave immediately because breaking and entering is a felony. Come back later. Being inside the house is only misdemeanor trespass and in my 10-20 times of being caught for that I have only been told to leave. When they do that they right your name down and then if they catch you there again then they will charge you with trespassing(misdemeanor). Once you are in the house you will want to secure it. The easiest way of doing this is with an dead bolt. They cost from 2-10$. They all have the same sized hole requirements, so if there is already a lock on the door then the holes will match up with your dead bolt. Another matter of immediate concern is the presence of dust/asbestos in the house. If there is lots of dust in the house you should wear something over your mouth and nose until you can remedy the situation. I don’t want to trust Xerox technology to show you what asbestos looks like so go to the library and look up pictures in a book, this is important as it will kill you in time. You will want to have running water cuz not being able to shit and piss where you live is a drag. There is usually a square cement lid outside the front of the house. You lift this up and underneath there is a meter and a big metal screw type thing. The screw thing needs to be turned one way or the other to turn the water back on. You can find out how to turn on gas and electricity from your library also but I don’t want to get into it here cuz it’s potentially lethal and I couldn’t reproduce pictures good enough.

In the last two years I have noticed a thing happening everywhere I go. This is the criminalization of homeless people. I first noticed it here in LIBERAL Berkeley, where the city council voted to make illegal the following actions: sitting on the sidewalk, Asking for change near an ATM or a parking meter, asking for change after dark, holding out a cup, etc. We fought this law in a variety of different ways, successfully, until they finally got the idea on the ballot and it passed by 51% or so. At that point the ACLU picked up where we left off and sued for infringement of first amendment rights. It is currently in court and we have a temporary injunction halting the implementation of the law. In the last two years I have traveled to hundreds of major cities in America and the situation was the same everywhere, laws that all essentially outlawed not the homeless person but everything that a homeless person must do in order to survive. This has also been the case in the cities I recently visited in Germany, France, Austria, Spain, Italy and I heard similar things about England. I brought this up because irregardless of your current situation you are most likely in the same position as the vast majority of the populations of these countries. It may seem pretty distant from you but you are in reality only 1-4 paychecks away from homelessness. Whether you rent or have a mortgage or even own and have to pay property taxes.

Although some people are on the street as a result of alcoholism, drug addiction, mental illness; what is more relevant is that these people are on the front line of a war on the people, waged by our rulers in quest of wealth and power.

We can do as our rulers have planned for us and fight each other over crumbs, fear each other over differences, kill each other over land we haven’t really fully realized our birthright to or we can recognize each other as the players on the same side of the game that we are, whether we choose to accept that or not. Always remember you’re next.

The newspapers and the TV news like to tell sad stories about the fatalities of homelessness. Being homeless and exposure to the elements don’t kill a person. People have lived on this continent for a long time without fixed dwellings. The concept of private property which says that YOU don’t get to use the resources of YOUR world that you need to deal with the elements is what actually kills. It is just another christian way of blaming NATURE for our own shortcomings.

End of spring 1995
I was staying on the Berkeley/Oakland border in a bus in a back yard. I was hanging out with friends, one of which confided in me about a mutual friend raping another mutual friend a few days earlier. She seemed really freaked out about it, besides for obvious reasons, probably because she was an occasional lover of the man who did it.

As it was told to me, the man was staying over in the woman’s room, both people were drinking(not an excuse just a factor). She was asleep and he removed her clothing from the waist down and proceeded to penetrate her. There were more circumstances to the situation but I don’t want to get into them because consent obviously didn’t exist. A couple of days after it happened word got around to the point that some people decided to confront him at the house he had been crashing. When the confrontation happened I was in my van. The woman who told me about it in the first place, came over and told me that the confrontation was happening and that she thought it was about to turn violent. I put clothes on and went to where it was happening. By the time I got there, he was already beaten until he could flee. I don’t know happened exactly but I’m fairly certain that he was told that it was unacceptable to violate a person in the way that he did. The longer I talked to people there the worse parts of what happened seemed to be. First of all it seemed like many of the people present were past lovers of the man, considerably less than impartial participants. While I was there I saw more than one of the people taking delight in the fact that they got to witness or participate in his beating. It felt to me that some of the people were not there on the “victims” behalf but rather to dump some anger/rage over old resentments. I also saw one of his ex-lovers exclaiming proudly how enjoyed hitting him and was pleased that he wouldn’t be back and that she could then keep his bicycle.

Secondly, it became clear that a totally valid message “IT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE TO VIOLATE ANOTHER PERSON” was accompanied by the physical violation of the person for whom the message was intended.

Thirdly(and the reason why I’m writing this), as I stewed over the events of those few days I began to see that there was a complete lack of a “bigger picture” kind of perspective.

Let me backtrack a little. The only way I had known of dealing with the aggressor in a rape situation was what I had read in various radical/activist publications. They mainly advocated violent confrontation and various forms of humiliation, etc. All of these seem to use a line of reasoning in which some of the men are an expendable enemy and other men aren’t. They also don’t seem to take into account what happens in a man’s life to get them to the point where they engage in behavior like rape(such as being victims of rape in the first place, as children), even though they seem to like to dwell on a persons background when it comes to explaining the shortcomings of criminals, minorities, etc.

Another part of the bigger picture(for me anyway) is the fact that the majority of the people doing the beating were men. I felt the biggest connection to the men who actually did the beating, even though I thought it to be wrong, this is why:

This event loosened some things that are normally trapped in my faulty memory. When I was 14 and still living with my parents, I brought home a woman who needed a place to sleep. She slept in my room. She fell asleep before I did. From the waist down she wore only underwear. I tried to take them off of her(with all of the same intentions as the man), but she woke up. The only difference between my experience and the mans was alcohol and chance. The actions were the same, only the outcome was different. She happened to be moving to Texas the next day and I never saw her again.

This also brought up another recollection. About a year or so later A woman about my age was staying with me. we usually slept in the same bed. One night we were engaged in some petting. I disrobed her and as I entered her she kept repeating the word NO, I didn’t listen to her. Up until the rape my friend committed, I was of the opinion that if a person were raped it was my responsibility to fuck up the perpetrator in any way possible and that in doing so the problem would be solved. I found out that it wasn’t possible to think that way in the case of someone I love and whose welfare is of my concern. I also found out that it didn’t seem right to think that way about any man who is probably the victim of childhood sexual violence like I was. I started to see the short sightedness of our communities means of dealing with a REPEATING(the first show I went to in 1983, a woman who was passed out was put in a truck a hauled off by a group of about 6 men/a woman was raped in the side room at gilman street/etc.) situation. We kicked one man out of our community, he is somewhere else now. He is probably no closer to getting help than he was before. He is also free, where ever he is, to have children who will also acquire his condition. This is what I mean when I keep referring to the bigger picture. We can stop one man in one place for awhile, but we need to alter the handing over of sick consciousness from fathers and mothers to sons and daughters. Violence will not accomplish this at all. Violence will only reinforce the feelings of no worth that a man must have in order to treat a woman as though she was of no worth.

I’ve seen us react to situations pretty poorly. I am under the impression that He and I are not the only boys/men in our scene with pieces of the past/present locked and denied out of our realities by guilt, shame and fear. I wanted to write this because as I saw the state that the men who did the beating were in, it seemed just exactly like me. I would project the hate I had for myself, for my past actions, onto someone else so I could feel like it wasn’t me. I wanted to find a way to reach other men(or women) who may be interested in creating a space where we could begin to deal with and eradicate our sickness.

Recently there has been a lot of talk about why we should all become vegans today. I guess I’d start off by saying that I totally agree with idea theoretically, however there are some parts of how people are advocating this idea that I think are pretty stupid.
1. The proponents of veganism(for the most part of what I’ve encountered anyway) seem to be ignorant to the fact that a large part of the genocide of the Native American peoples was done in the name civilizing these “savages” by converting them to christianity and by forcing them into agricultural based reservations. I don’t think it is OK to put out literature that says “be vegan” without acknowledging that this only applies to the races that are not naturally occurring on this continent. Anything less would be a continuation of the same attitudes of colonialism that brought on our current insane situation. Furthermore the native peoples were free in a way that we are not because we do not hunt, which might not seem like a big deal to you until you think about how easy it is to declare a state of emergency and suspend the constitution and go house to house to round up dissidents(you) for extermination. Good luck growing your garden while your fleeing a military takeover.
2. I, as a homeless person, take great offense at any person who has never been homeless telling me to not eat something. They are obviously not acting out of compassion for everything. This makes no difference to me whether what I might be eating comes out of a dumpster or is paid for.
3. A lot of where the literature that I’ve seen comes from a thing calling it’s self HARDLINE. It seems to me that there is a lot of judgment coming from what I’ve read. I’d like to remind them and everyone for that matter, living in a house that is not temporary and moveable is/has destroyed many other organisms right to exist on the land. Houses use gas, which wreaks our land, water, and air(the environment are friends the animals have to live in also). Houses use electricity, which pollutes the same as gas. Houses use plumbing which drain lakes, and dump sewage into our water supplies. I think that it might be good for a movement that wants to go in the direction of extreme ecological recovery might consider moving towards establishing HOMELESSNESS as the real hardline as some of us already have.

You are invited to Mankato Minnesota on the 26th of December, 1995. This will be an anniversary of sorts. 125 years ago, some Sioux were cheated out of there food rations and they were beginning to starve. A group of males went to town to take food that they felt belonged to them out of a store house by force. The white folks got all uptight and fighting broke out. The white folks got there asses kicked. The government could handle it so they sent the army to round up all the Sioux who they said did the fighting. They captured 303 men. and were going to hang them all. The great benevolent Abraham Lincoln came to calm things down and decided to pardon most of the men who were to be executed. The great man the he was decided that only 38 of the Sioux men deserved to die for feeding their families, rather than all of them. This took place in front of what is now the Mankato public library. I want to have a gathering there starting at sunrise on the 26th. I would like to present a formal apology for the murder of the 38(and for the murder of millions of other native peoples), I also hope to find a donor of some land that could be given to them as well as a ceremony were as many white people as possible will swear to an oath to never again claim ownership of land on the planet earth(and to teach that sacred principal to their children). Please join me on that day. Write me for directions.

This is why I quit smoking:
So I can out run cops. So I can spend my money on food instead. So I can breath/sing. I was going to put some statistics on how much damage cigarettes do each year but I’m too lazy to find them, rest assured that if you continue to smoke they will kill you and make your friends and kids sick.

This is how I did it:

First I read a piece of paper produced by born against, it was a general outline on why I was such a loser for buying and smoking poison. Next, I suffered.

The first two days are the hard part, that’s the period of time it takes to break the physical addiction. Afterwards it takes 1-2 weeks to get used to the fact that you don’t actually smoke them anymore. For these first 15 or so days I highly recommend not going to school or work cause you will already be irritable enough.

These are the things that helped: Deep Breathing, in through the nose out through the mouth, a friend told me to do it 4 times when I wanted to smoke, I recommend a number closer to 40. Either way do it till you feel better.

Meet your needs. It is too easy to confuse a lack of a real need for the need to smoke. Therefore during and after the withdrawal process make sure you always have more than enough water/juice, food, multi-vitamins and vitamin c, exercise, rest, sleep, something to do.

Meditation. This helped me immensely. All you have to do is sit cross legged(or lie down), close your eyes, don’t judge your thoughts and feelings, try to imagine your breath going in your nose-down into your lungs-pause-back out.

Drugs:I found that at least during the first few weeks it is totally a bad idea to drink alcohol, caffeine or any other stimulants or any other drugs. Half of them make you want to smoke more than you already do and the other half make you forget that you quit in the first place.

Bike. Your lungs will heal faster and you will feel better sooner if you sell your car and get a bike and ride it everywhere you go. It will also mean that, if you stop using gas and electric or go homeless, that you are not polluting that air at all anymore.

Gum. Gum and licorice root are invaluable things to chew on for the first few weeks and thereafter.

Avoidance. Avoiding smokers and places where people smoke(bars/cafes) helped me alot. Herbs. For the first week you might want to try some form of valerian root to calm down, after that you might want to try smelling sage or making tea out of catnip in order to stay centered.

Good Luck.

Fizzball is a game we created while touring in Europe. We were receiving four cases of beer every day and none of us drank alcohol, so we found a large pole and pitched beers for the batter to hit. The winner is whomever avoids can shrapnel in the face. Since here in America we don’t receive free beers on a daily basis and you wouldn’t want to support the liquor industry you should just grab the beer from any store, run out and yell yahoo.

4-20-94 my friend Charlene died of a fatal dose of heroin. three days later I was in Atlanta Georgia and called a friend at home to see how everybody was doing. She told me that my friend was dead. I could seem to take in enough alcohol and pot to deal with how I felt about losing her. I had to learn about a new thing for me, grief.

About a year later I was almost to the point where I didn’t think about it every day. In that period of time I had come to the understanding that I was probably next, so I quit using heroin, speed, coke, acid, pot, alcohol and cigarettes. At that point in time I was living in a house that myself and some friends had taken over. After awhile I didn’t feel like living with people who were still using so I moved into a rented place. Some where along the progression of that house core people left to travel for a time and when they got back they were informed that the people who had agreed not to use powders or needles in the house had changed the rules in their absence. It quickly degenerated into a shooting gallery. In the last week or two of the houses existence a 15 year old girl from Georgia named Blyth showed up in the house. She was in the process of lapsing into and out of a coma. This went on for a day and a half with no one seeming to think it out of the ordinary or even being aware enough to notice. At the end of the day and a half she started to turn blue which was the first thing to incite enough of a reaction for anyone to act. By the time she was brought to a hospital she was dead. Sometimes I wonder how here parents deal with it, and how her friends at home deal with it since their probably pretty young like she was. I and a friend had heard a few hours after she died what had happened and that she had a back pack there, and that probably there was still some heroin in it. We went there to get the back pack because we thought her parents should get the contents of it. It was already gone.

I remember how many times I said that my using drugs was victimless and that it hurt no one but myself. I think the people that were too high to notice a child overdosing in their living room probably thought the same thing. In our sub-culture we call punk rock we have an unspoken rule that we don’t get to question anything about any kind of drug use, because we would then be acting like our parents did or like the cops do. I can no longer afford to live by this rule. I have already lost too much.

Alcohol is a poison, it is put on every corner for a reason, to kill black people. The liquid nor the government nor the industry cares if your not black. The fact that you brew it yourself doesn’t make the drink any less poisonous. It just means that you put the work into killing us instead of them. Speed is a poison, it is readily available so that we think we are getting something done, when all we are actually doing is sucking a glass pipe or trying to extract more shit out of an already overworked cotton ball. Cocaine is a poison, it is everywhere for the same reason as alcohol, to kill black people an as above it does not give one shit if you are black or not. Heroin is a poison, it is everywhere for the same reasons as the aforementioned substances. So are cigarettes. Together they form a net that keeps the truly angry people, who have suffered the most damage and have the most to make just, sedate and crippled.

While it is true that not everyone who uses is an addict and it is also true that weed will always lead to heroin use is false, it is true that every junkie I ever knew did start on pot and alcohol and eventually they didn’t kill their pain anymore so they moved on to more powerful things.

Now that I’ve said that, I wanted to add a few things in the period of time between now and when you quit using(if you do that sort of thing) please bleach your needles if you “have” to share them. Also if you use heroin please start off with a quarter of what you would normally use so as to prevent accidentally dying from under cut shit. A

lso if you decide you want to try living without it(and you will eventually or you will die) please look in the phone book under Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous or if you have a big problem with the word god there is a group in some towns(AA and NA are in almost every city in the world) called Secular Organization for Sobriety which doesn’t use god or prayers. These organizations are not cults, the only form of reprogramming used is a rethinking of life revolving around alcohol and drugs to life revolving around life, and are 100% free of charge.

In the last thirteen months I’ve noticed a lot of things about both straight edge and the philosophy of using that are pretty stupid. See I used to belong to the user camp. I am an addict/alcoholic. I used as much as I could for about eleven years. I had to cover the pain of physical, sexual, emotional, intellectual and verbal abuse. I didn’t get a choice in the matter. I no longer use drugs or alcohol, nor have I used them for roughly over a year now. This is what I’ve noticed in that period of time. Alot of straight edgers/SxE bands advocate alot of judgementality and sometimes even violence.

A lot of the time I even hear people/bands advocating things like attacking/killing drug dealers/users. I wonder if they realize that to really eradicate drug abuse in america would entail destroying the CIA(who bring the drugs here), Destroying the corporate/capitalist state that has stolen everything to the point where drugs are the only economy and the only relief left(for poor and minority peoples), Destroying the liquor industry that assists in destroying more lives than all the illegal drugs put together, destroying the coffee manufacturers and the cigarette companies. Out of all of these evils why do the SxE kids pick the most defenseless target, the one group who is actually victimized by their position in life, which also happens to be predominately black males. I wonder if they realize they are promoting the same racist platform as the white rulers who came up with the drug war(on the black community). I also wonder why sixty-five years after the birth of alcoholics anonymous, they still haven’t learned about the FACT that alcoholism/addiction is a PHYSICAL DISEASE(rather than a lifestyle choice).

On the other hand.

I wonder if the drug/alcohol users think that armed struggle/mass movements are helped by wrecked bodies and burned up minds. I wonder if they think that giving cash to anhiser bush/r j reynolds is going to further the revolution. I wonder if they think that using the smoke and booze is only a temporary thing? does it seem that way after a year, five years, ten years? Does it further our causes to constantly put yourself in the position of incarceration? Are you you going to be able to escape on foot, after smoking, drinking, doing speed coke and heroin for years, when the game is up and the military are in every town and the roads are all monitored? Are we going to know how to survive when we’ve given all our time and energy to the corner store? Have we really created an alternative when we can’t relate to the world just on the basis of our own consienceness,? Just like our parents. And in general…

Are we all going to cast the masters off our backs when we are too busy spending all our energy and time fighting each other?

1. Put a rag in the tank and light it on fire
2. Put sugar in the tank
3. Pop the tires
4. Steal the tires
5. Let the air out of the tires
6. Put cement mix in the gas tank
7. Put balloon with Drano in the gas tank(then run)
8. Pee in the gas tank
9. Vomit in the tank
10. run it over with a monster truck or a tank
11. Explode a fertilizer bomb in it(federal building is optional)
12. Drive it off a cliff
13. Drive it into a lake or a river
14. Drive it into a forest fire
15. Take it on tour!
16. Play demolition derby with it
17. Drain the oil
18. Put hot tar where the oil goes
19. Cut the gas line
20. Cut all the other hoses
21. Put a bucket of glue in the radiator
22. Shoot large caliber bullets through the engine block
23. Loan it to furley
24. Break the wrong key off in the ignition
25. Switch the tires with skateboard wheels
26. Play chicken with trains
27. Chain the axle to a house foundation
28. Get lots of tickets until the cops put the “boot” on it
29. Hit it repeatedly with sledgehammers until it won’t start
30. Take all the nuts off
31. Take it completely apart and get your youngest sibling to put it back together
32. Fill the interior with cement up to the ceiling
33. Fill it up with dynamite and crash it into an oil refinery
34. Puncture big holes in the gas tank
35. Weld the tail pipe shut
36. Fill the gas tank with superballs
37. Weld the body to a metal pole
38. Run over bike cops until they take it away
39. Cruise the Cyprus until the big one hits
40. Shoot a flare gun into the gas tank
41. Leave it on a curve on the train tracks
42. Leave it on a airport runway
43. Wait for twenty years when the gas runs out
44. Drive real fast, blind-folded down the wrong side of the freeway
45. Leave it in NYC with the hood up and a sign on it that says “free parts” 46. Drop refrigerators on it from a roof
47. Cut all the electrical wires
48. Weld the thermostat shut
49. Crazy glue the gas cap on
50. Roll a boulder over it
51. Hit it with a grenade launcher
52. Remove the parking brake and leave it on hills
53. Crash it into a power sub-station
54. Disconnect the alternator and go driving
55. Use blasting caps instead of spark plugs
56. Jump snake canyon
57. Jump the grand canyon
58. Jump the pacific
59. Take all the lugs nuts off
60. Cut it half with the jaws of life
61. Drive into the la brae tar pits
62. Take it to the shop
63. Let your friends on speed “work on it”
64. Remove steering wheel, cut the brake line and go on high speed chases 65. Let gorman or Dan drive
66. Go to Wyoming and do donuts on the black ice
67. Let motley crue drive drunk
68. Let james brown drive
69. Let OJ drive
70. While driving, smoke crack and shoot at the cops
71. Go to the shop and say “I’m from out of town and I don’t know anything about cars, can you fix it.”
72. Put bubble gum in the oil
73. Loan it to your blind friends
74. Jump the sears tower
75. Crash the gates at the white house
76. Drive over Niagara falls
77. Drive in the pit at a megadeath show
78. Run down hippies at dead show parking lot until they hug your car to death
79. Loan it out for the filming of an episode of chips
80. Park under landslides and avalanches
81. Let Billie Joe drive
82. Play dukes of hazard with it
83. Drive it 80mph then throw it in reverse
84. Loan it to the crash test dummies
85. Ride a bike
86. Ride a skateboard
87. Walk
88. Roll it into a quarry
89. Gun powder in the gasoline
90. Weld brakes on
91. Replace engine with leggo motor
92. Convert engine into tattoo gun
93. Clean it with the flame-thrower
94. Fill the gas tank with liquid nails
95. Drive through shopping malls until the police take it away
96. Put oil eating bacteria in the engine
97. Crazy glue bullets all over the outside, facing inwards and drive into walls 98. Light it on fire and see if you can drive fast enough to blow it out with the wind
99. Use any east coast toll roads
100. Give it to Food Not Bombs
101. Drive it into a volcano

While we were making our last record we received an acoustic version of one of our songs on a tape. So we used it. I was thinking that since CDs hold 36 more minutes than records do I should ask you to send us tapes of our songs(or whatever you want to send so long as you can deal with our thumbs up/thumbs down we get all the say in what we use policy) preferably without using amplified sound. Please put it on tapes only and don’t worry about sound quality and we won’t either. This way our future CDs wont have the wasted space. We will pay you no moneys but will probably send you some copies of the CD.

A couple of really weird things have happened to me since all my friends signed to major labels.

1. I was squatting at the green day house after they made the video and moved out, watching TV when I saw the longveiw video, filmed in the same room I was sitting, for the first time.

2. Later I went to see Billie Joe’s new baby and he asked me to figure out who to give a lot of tax-deductible moneys to. So I hooked him up with food not bombs and the free clinics in the east and west bay. I went to see one of the two shows from which they donated us the money. It was exactly like seeing green day before except there was ten thousand screaming kids. After the show I went to the doorway on telegraph avenue where I was sleeping at the time. As I was waiting to go to sleep I had sort of a hard time comprehending how I could be both homeless and capable of moving $150,000 to where I want it to go, all in the same day. Go figure.

3. Every time I walk by a news stand I notice somebody that used to hang around gilman/berkeley on the cover of spin or rolling stone magazine. So I usually stop and read the next slew of crap about how punk is an “attitude” and how it was never about whether you were a millionaire or not and how it never was about being political. For some reason the fact that I can’t read any of these magazines with out reading the names of my and my friends old bands. It seems like these names are used to prove that they are from a real underground. It makes me feel really pissed, like something was stolen from me. No band that I have been a part of was for media vampires, those words don’t belong in their magazines. It doesn’t make the sellouts valid, it only makes them thieves.

I think zines are usually pretty cool.

I think records are pretty cool also.

I think most reviews are pretty stupid.

I think most reviewers blow ass. Lance Hain is great though. And it has nothing to do with the great review he gave us. Pretty much the rest of them suck shit.

Last fall we toured Europe. I got to learn some great things about my cultural heritage.

In Tublingen, Germany we stayed in a giant wonderful squat. It used to be the Gestapo headquarters during W.W.II. In the basement there was a practice space, it is where they tortured prisoners. Across the street was a giant cathedral. It used to be a pagan burial ground. I got a pretty good view of the untrue idea that “Christianity works as a moralizing force”. The Christians came and desecrated the pagans sacred space(attempting to annihilate memory that they even existed) and built a church. The people of the town went to worship god across the street from where their government was torturing dissidents, and everything was honkey dory. Go figure.

More bits on “my” cultural heritage. I found out that to this day in some of the countries in Europe they still medically advise drinking alcohol to pregnant mothers for kicking pains. Good for the brain I guess. Now it makes much more sense that people who came to North America thought genocide and slavery would turn “savages” into worthwhile human beings.

In croatia there was an abundance of highly tanked(about 18 years old) males, not causing problems just highly drunk, at the show we played. I didn’t get what the deal was until somebody informed me they had to go to the other side of the country the next day to fight the war. I asked a few people about why there was a war in what used to be Yugoslavia. Everyone (including a man who was a Serb, who had fled his region. He had a constant shaking going on in his body and ticks in his face, I could only speculate that it was a result of Post Traumatic Shock, I didn’t have the courage to ask him about it.)told me it was due to the fact that when the country broke up, the serbians had all the military capabilities and hardware and the USA and the UN and NATO declared sanctions(making it illegal to supply arms) against all of the fractions of the former Yugoslav republic. So to us folks back at home reading the paper, it looks like their playing the role of peace keepers when in effect we were ensuring the slaughter of the people in four other regions. Not to mention the ethnic cleansing and the mass rapes that happened in the last few years.

Amidst all the media hype of late about how American cities are violent and how we have to hang/shock/gas all the perpetrators, I need to constantly remind myself that the biggest perpetrator of violence on the face of the earth is the one that functions off of the consent we give every time we pay taxes, every time we vote, every time we do anything but outright revolt to stop the nightmare machine we call the USA.

Food Not Bombs is an organization working towards feeding the hungry while at the same time exposing the myth that there is enough resources for war but not for peoples needs. It now exists in about 70 cities internationally. I have enclosed a list of addresses(in the back) of these groups in hopes that you(yes you) would take the initiative and give some of your time, energy, money or whatever to maintain and expand Food Not Bombs. If there are no groups near you maybe you should start one in your town. There is a book on how to do that(and the history of Food Not Bombs)for $10 from the San Francisco address. Thanx.