My name is C Fish and I’m an alcoholic. It means that sometimes life feels awesome like I can drop in and bust every trick. But often it means I slam hard to the bottom of the bowl. Sometimes I don’t know how to get back up. Other times I’m the one reaching to pick another up. I come from a past full of wounds. Being sober means I feel every last one of them. Even ones I didn’t know I had. I come from almost 19 years of skate punk and an alcoholic bloodline. So not surprising how things ended up. There are times I simply don’t understand how I feel about things. Addiction is the mental and emotional equivalent of a chronic physical illness. It’s like you’re either on fire and can’t get it together enough to put yourself out or you’re the bad ass putting out every fire with a skill beyond you. Everyday is a fist fight. You do what you can to have people to reach out to. Though if you’re an addict you likely have burned a great many bridges.
All our blood soaks these stairs. Months of deep talks on dark nights. Deep wounds stitched together. Laughter exchanged as depths are known. Hearts and minds racing toward an unseen horizon. A mad season lays behind. Tonight I sit on those same stairs alone. Questioning everything knowing nothing. Feeding a swirl of rage, pain and fear. The tidal waves tear through an unmoving frame. I am a disconnected spectre, a fading negative.
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